Oh, highlights of these times, how I wish thou were't constant.

"Those are your dishes. Dancing in the cupboards. That happens, you just usually don't hear it." -me

My bad. For real.

I'm a tease, it's true.

But it isn't because I do it on purpose! I don't even realize I'm a tease, until after I've already done it.



:/

I just get attracted to the ideas of things, and play along as long as I can.

I'm not good at follow-through.



So, it's only somewhat my fault.
But, at least, I can now see that I am a tease.

Today.

I'm forcing myself to be awoken on the right side of the bed. It feels like there's only been one side to my bed, for a while, but I decided last night to make today a winner.

"Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me."



I put make-up on today. And I did my hair.
And I put clothes on. Actual clothes.
And, I'm listening to iTunes. I haven't listened to my music since I left.

I'm drinking water.

I'm going to do the dishes, and straighten this house.

Repack my things.


I'm going to brush up on my Beethoven, and get my work clothes out of the car, and decide what to wear this weekend.

I'm also going to be hanging out w an older friend today, and she might be making me feel better, too. I'm sure we'll watch a movie, but I think she's going to play with my hair. :)


I'm debating on whether I'll have time enough to go get my massage. I could use it. But, I dunno. Priorities anyway, you know?



I need to go get my passport. Seriously. Not for any specific reason, but just to have it. For whenever.


I think I'll polish my nails today.

Text-- Okay, hair's not being messed with today. That's okay. It's probably for the best anyway. :/



I feel like I'm sick and I'm forcing myself to be up and moving about. Like, it's not time, but I'm making myself do it anyway.

It'll be okay.

I can do it.

I can do it.

ow OW

I was asked on a date.

And, I actually have a date with another person.


I'm pretty excited about date 2. I'd be cool with date 1, too, I bet.




I wonder how these will go.

Date 2 is a real date. Like, real real. I'm nervous, and excited to death.

I hope it goes well.

Break me off a piece of that Kit! Kat! Bar!

Tonight was awesome.

I love being stoned.

And I love the great people that get me stoned.

Because they're really nice, and funny, and fun. And they like me, and like for me to have fun, too.

This is true for everyone I smoke with.



And I'm excited for Saturday night.

And my shoulder doesn't really hurt today.



I'm up at 3am. :D
I'm living some life.


I'm going to wash my hair for a little restoration, hopes.

I'm tired as fuck, now.




I had so much fun though. A great time, a great time.

And Saturday's going to be a lovely time. I'm nervous, but I'm thrilled, and excited, too.



Um.

I don't want to think about anything else tonight, besides my great evening, and great evening to come.

That's it, and that's all, and that's good for the rest of this day.

1) Dear "big sister," stop reading my blog.

2) I guess I'm not important enough of a person to actually go the next step, to prevent me from doing anything stupid.


Even having heard me, heard my harm, I'm okay enough to scoot out the door "until next time."





Okay.

I won't see you next time.

It makes the most sense, after all.

It all starts with one.

One time, you treat someone different. Say, badly, or worse. One time.

The person you're treating such ways, responds. Cause and effect.

Then. The person is left on their toes. Waiting for it to happen again.

It's assumed, I assume, that no one really learns their lesson, and will offend repeatedly after just once.

The way this person responds/reacts, has the potential to build and build.

It starts with one. One time, one person, one situation, one remark.


This is usually how bitches and assholes are made.

You were mean to me one time.

You treated me like shit one time.

You forgot about me one time.

So, I took that time, and kept it in mind.

To prepare myself for later, you know.


You've been mean more times.

You've treated me like shit more times.

You've forgotten about me more times.


Now you don't like me because I'm a bitch.

Because I don't support you.

Because I am always condesendingly responding to you.

Well.


It all began with one.

You can't take responsibility for very much, but you are nailed to the first time.

Just one.


I don't have the energy to change who've you've forced me to adapt into being.

I don't have the patience or feelings to be hammered into the ground by you.

I don't really have time to be hammered into the ground by anyone.

I'm losing time.

So, fuck you.

And you, and you and you.

Because I wasn't supposed to be a bitchy, little sassy thing.

I was a lady. A sweet, kind, good girl.



Ya'll fucked me up. So this is what you get from me.

The finger.

xoxo.

Sequel.

I just got real depressed real fast.

I fall in love w my ideas of situations, too easily.



I get crushed too easily, too, sometimes.



I wonder, sometimes, if I should just try everything out-- everything that I ever aspired to do-- before giving up.

Or if I should give up, because I know that I'm 100% insatiable, and nothing that I choose to do will keep me stable and settled for long.



It's me.
I'm a chameleon.
I'm only passionate when I'm in control.
I'm never in control of myself.
I lost control over myself.
I can't control myself.


I can't find someone to be in control of me, for me.

I hate everything.

I hate my hair.

My hair color.

My length of hair.

My hair's texture.

I hate my eyes.

The size.

The color.

I hate my ideas.

I hate my theories.

I hate my estimations.

I hate my approximations and abbreviations.

I hate my goals.

I hate my life.

My past.

I hate my future.

My present doesn't really work.

I hate my everything.

I hate how my plans are busts.

I hate how I keep making plans.

I hate how animals shock the shit out of me, after not having seen one, or been in contact with one in a while.

I hate how people overwhelm me.

I hate being tired.

I hate being homeless.

I hate being jobless.

I hate being purposeless.

I hate not having anything as back-up.

I hate the truth about God.

I hate everything.

I hate how it's always too hot or too cold.

I hate how I get headaches.

I hate how I forget to eat sometimes, and I get sick.

I hate that I exist.

I hate that I have nowhere to go after this.

I hate that I really didn't have a reason for being here this long.

I hate that I don't know what to do.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I hate my life.

I hate my decisions.

I hate my existance.

My pointlessness.

You can make the words up.

I only have dreams of you now.



_x____

I need some recoop time.

I'm probably not gonna get any for another month.


But, I need a place to go and be taken care of, and babied, --some place to surrender my freewill, and allow myself to be offered to the hands of someone trusted.


No dice.

I'ma be.

I honestly believe that I've loosened my grip on bitterness. Right now, in this mood, I feel like being bitter is the solumn feeling of adulthood. Being bitter prevents everything from being a joke. Seriousness is grown.

----


I thought I was loyal. Now, I'm seeing obligation as something that I oblige to. Is loyalty the same as obligation? I see no arguements against that reasoning.


----


I never cried so much, in the morning-time, as I did on this Easter Sunday, at church. It wasn't because I was unbelievably grateful, it wasn't because I was moved. It was probably a combination of the hate I felt, along with the tension pressed upon me by the ones that usually matter most, along with the lack of acknowledgement I had recieved, along with the desperation of my near adventure, along with the pressure I feel from what feels like four walls, a ceiling, and floor closing in on me- which is really just people trying to see me or cancelling on me or the feelings these people have, towards me or with me, that I can't stop or control, or even help a little.

Happy easter, bastards.

Fucking crying already, and it's not even ten o'fuckin'clock.

Hoppy Easter, peeps.

I'm going to church, on Easter, to thank a dude for dying for me, who I don't even really know existed or not.

I was wearing a pink dress, and then was decided on looking like a "hot date" or a "church fluzy." So I changed.


It's cool, though.

I'll be standing in attendance, for everyone who has to work today, and wanted to go to church today. That's me. The extra. ;P




I'm hungry. Happy Easter.
No Easter basket, either. :( Lol

Stoned notes.

"

If we follow statistics so well, and count on going with the majority of the successful way, then why haven't women taken note to be attracted to the 'nice guy,' and even grasp him in such a way that he'd never escape and leave us to the d'bags of the world?

Clearly, stats would show that relationships are healthier, and last longer, and are more beneficial and worthy of growth, when the 'nice guy' vs (and conquers) the 'asshole'/'douchebag'/'piece of shit.'

"


_x____

Do yourself the favor of finding out as much info on these things as possible. S'awesome.

=> Seadragons

=> Stargazers






You won't be disappointed.

Stoned notes. (Legit though.)

"

We're being taught to learn backwards, from great huge, to itsy-bitsy barely there.
The childlike way of life, and way of handling things-- is much more right. Than our ways of 'maturity' and 'know how.'
We go from seeing big, bright orange, floating, nicely separated boxes, to pencil-leaded strictly angled lines all fleeting to a vanishing point.
This is all backwards.
To be hippies, you may do drugs, be easier-going, feel happier and more free, and believe and ACHIEVE learning from the ways of the world and the rights of the wrongs, and being at one with that.
And if that's what it takes to be a "hippie" (that we seem to somewhat dread the personal title to), then I am a goddamn hippie.
And I will fuckin' frolick the grassy hills and sing out my glee at it.
And you'd be right to, too.

"

((Originally, "frolick" was spelled "frocklick."))

Stoned notes.

"

Gram feeling the way I do, and 'needing to be that person for most everyone.' She's mostly made herself that for me, but sometimes, I can just tell that she genuinely has a shimmer of like for me.

"

(A week or so ago.) Note to self.

Today. I have been a bad girl.
I.. quit one of my jobs.
I.. topped off two credit cards.
I.. work the wrong colors to work.
I.. stole some milk to aid my cereal.
I.. was ten minutes late to work, again.
I.. let myself get dehydrated, and addicted to cigarettes.
I.. didn't tell anyone that I've quit my job. Or that I'm probably moving.

I legitimately believe that I am an exception, and that my life, thereby, should be measured in cat/dog years.

(I think that will remain true, until the end of my life.)
(I've tried to control it, but I can't. So fuck it.) ;)

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Everything always works out.


It hasn't yet, but ..it will.




Ha.

Um. I'm just going to keep going. I can backpack across the states, if I so decide to choose.



S'all good.

I'ma continue to chug w the plan, that's missing a sturdy part now, but like I said-- it's all going to work out, one way or another. Nothing ever NOT works out.




I'm okay today. :)

I NEED A GODDAMN KITTEN

Multi-subjected.

I need an apartment, my car, some food, gas in my car, a full-time job, and some serenity.

I'd like a kitten, and to be making more than minimum wage.


=========


Time and time again, day after day, moments after moments, I'm consistantly surprised about the kindness of strangers.

I have purple, blue, green, and gold hair, and tattoos, and a mouth like a sailor, and still, strangers just talk to me like they've known me for years, and respect me like I'm someone worth being, and are so kind and friendly, that I'd swear they were my best friends, better than anyone I've had before.



I haven't had any friends for a few months now.

I haven't missed it. Then again, I do have three jobs, and I live very close to my family.

Even still. When I've sat down and thought it through, I haven't missed having friends. I don't miss having friends.

And right now, I'm remembering why I don't really need to have any friends.



The dramatic situations that just pop up out of nowhere? Ha, not when you don't have friends! The fights and "backstabbing" and "unforgivable acts"? Hah, no. Not when you don't have friends.

Yeah, even when people aren't your friends anyMORE, they can hurt you, or cause situations that are unnecessarily dramatic, because they probably know you fairly well, and they probably know what pushes your buttons, and what you like, and what you'd hate to lose. So, even though I don't have friends right now, I still have old friends. Old friends who knew me, who know me, who can and will hurt me.

Thus, douchebags. Thus, enemies. Thus, assholes. Thus, disappointment.





2010, I haven't held grudges. I dropped all judgments I had before this year.
Except for Katherine.

But, I forgive Katherine. And even though my sister's a jerk, I don't hate her, I don't feel angry towards her. And even though I feel royally fucked over by Dakota right now, I won't hold this against him. I'll just keep it in mind for the now, and future too.