Listen.
I try to be a good friend. I know that I AM a good friend.
I take your side against everyone and anyone else, including your other friends and your family.
I'm your back-up and you know that you have that in me.
I listen to you speak about your dreams (literal and figurative), ideas, feelings, and experiences.
I contain myself when I want to take over the conversation to tell you something, because I know it'll make you feel bad-- like I'm not really listening, or like I don't care what you're actually trying to share with me.
Even when you're wrong, I take your side. I don't actually take your side if you're wrong, but I word myself to where I'm on your side without agreeing with whatever the hell you're saying or what you think or what you've done. Only a very bright person would be able to realize that I'm not actually saying that you're right. Even when you're something besides right-- in terms of behavior or what you say-- I don't say anything unless it's appropriate, and between just me and you, so you don't feel attacked or preyed on. I do you a lot of favors because, hey, I'm your fucking friend.
I don't talk crap about you when you aren't around. I don't talk crap about you to my other friends, your other friends, to people who don't even know you, to people when you leave the room, to my family (usually).
You don't realize how good of a friend I am, unless I slip up-- which I don't. Unless I purposely slip up. Which.. I don't. So you are very lucky. You don't even know what you have in me.
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I'm really glad that I'm not you, no offense.
You have faults that I would hate to have, and not know about.
You are so rude to people, and you don't even care. You don't even think you're being serious, after being called out on it, but you are serious. You are serious in the moment, and you are a bitch about things.
You call people names that are completely inappropriate, and that hasn't been "cute" or "funny" since 8th grade, okay? Be respectful to people-- all people, all old people, medium people, young people, friends, not-friends, family. Don't treat people like they're nothing, because they aren't NOTHING.
It's quite obvious that you feel patronized on a regular basis and that it bothers you, but I'm beginning to see that some people try to make you feel that way on purpose, to get back at you for the way you are towards them. No, it isn't right of them to pull that, but it isn't right what you do to people. To us.
You can't just talk to your family like they're cats that you just want to kick, but know that it's wrong, so you just talk shitty to them instead-- feeling okay about it because you think they can't understand what you're saying.
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While I sit here, continuing to have your back, you're somewhere away from me, thinking about what an asshole I can be.
I can listen to you bitch and moan for four days, 24 hours each, and just ..take it in. I can watch you tear people apart, while thinking you're hilarious. I can hear you say rude shit to everyone you come across, and think that it's okay because they know how to take you, or know that you're joking, or whatever-- however you'd like to make it okay, and I'll keep to myself.
The thing is. Don't touch me. Don't play-hit me like we're eight years old, because I'm not eight years old, and I don't like to be touched. Don't think that I'm your little rag doll because something makes you feel like you're at least slightly superior to me, because you aren't. At all. Chances are, you'll never be superior to me, no matter how great I let you feel about yourself in comparison to me.
The other thing is. Don't fuck with me. Know when to hold your tongue when you're speaking with me. I can deal with you spitting out names, even at me, like you're an eleven year old, but know when to stop. Know when and how to control yourself. Know when to stop joking with me in any sort of way that involves physical contact. I don't play those games, and it isn't a secret. I'm not sure what makes you think it's okay to do that all of a sudden, and why you don't know to stop after me telling you more than once, but do it one more time, and I flatten your ass into the ground. I swear I'll fucking do it.
I'm so kind, helpful, reassuring, supportive, brave, and understanding that you forget that I'm a person. Perhaps you start to see me as a portable therapist, but I'm a person. I'm just a very decent person. Maybe once you realize that, you can recognize that I put up with a lot from you as-is, and I stand by while you hurt yourself and others without interefering for your present benefit because I know you prefer it, maybe you could realize that I'm pretty damn great for all of this. But you won't realize that until I write you a blog that you can't read, or write you a letter before a very long period of absence on my part. Then you'll remember and recognize, and appreciate-- after your anger subsides. Then I'll come back, be here for you, play this game all over again, all because I love you more than you could ever love me.
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PS. Why do I love you more than you can love me? In case it's been unclear, I long to be loved. I search for it. I crave it to the point that it gets me in trouble. My need for love branches out to my awkward man-choices and career-paths (hooking?), and still it's unclear for you.
I'm pretty good on my own, that's no secret. You know that, I know that, we all know that, and I remind you constantly, because I AM independant, and a lot more independant than most people I know-- including you. And you know what? It pisses me off that I get unspoken or unnoticed recognition for that huge accomplishment of mine. But what this is really about is that it's like.. since I'm so okay, I don't seem to need things. Since I'm such a good friend, I must be fine on my end. If I'm so good at being a listener, that must be what I want to do, what I need to do.
I am a person. I wish I didn't have to remind you of this so fucking often, but I'm reminding you once more. I need someone to care about me more than paying for me for something from time to time, paying super-attention to me every once in a while, claiming me to be your best friend. I need someone to hug me when I AM FEELING SAD. When I feel like the world is forgetting that I exist. When the world is swallowing me whole. When I feel like I'm nothing. When someone hurts me. When I'm panicking or stressing out. Sure, I talk to you about it-- I give you the immediate story or update, but summarizing isn't enough for a person, okay? I'm serious.
You don't know how you smother me. How I feel so involved as a person, as a side person to you. I'm only here for you, to you and to me, more and more. It makes me want to breathe. Makes me want to cry and scream and bust your head against a wall. I just get upset, and frustrated, and I feel more alone than I allow you to feel. I'd never let you feel how I feel. I don't let you.
I guess since I'm so great, I don't need to talk, or have you on my side at all times, or be my protector, or anything at all. I'm sure I don't count on you, right? I'm sure I don't plan things according to you and your availabilities and abilites, right? I'm sure I don't get excited and then let down by you, do I? Sure. I've got this. Don't worry about it. Fucking assholes.
FUCKING ASSHOLES.
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