:( Darn frownie faces, and the feelings behind them.

I hate how I can feel this feeling.

I hate feeling like I have a lump in my throat when I look around a place, look out a window, listen to it's sounds.

I don't want to be able to go from one feeling to another, so drastically, anymore.

I was doing really well--I really thought I was. :(

I was enjoying my week, and I was in an okay state of mind with knowing I'd be going "home" within days. Somewhere I lost my grip on that, and within ten minutes ago, I lost my hold completely.

I looked out the window.

That's all it took this time. I looked out the window, into the darkness, and I don't want to leave. I don't want to go. I ..don't want to go back.

Earlier this week, I felt like I was stabilized in feeling ready to take on the world upon my return to town, like this time would be right, this time would be different-- more settled, more stabled.

It all ..went out the window.

I hate feeling the way I feel.

I hate being able to feel these feelings, feeling like my heart is apart from my body.

I don't know what to do about it, I don't know where to go, I don't know what drugs to take, I don't know who to talk to, what to say, I don't know why it stops or goes, I don't know whether it'll ever stop, I don't know how to keep pretending like I don't feel like this, I don't know how to quit going from extreme to extreme, from plan to plan to lack of plan.

If there's medicine, I would take it!
If there's a drug, I'll do it!
If there's a plan, I'll try so hard that my nose bleeds.

Someone just help me.
I'm calling an SOS.
I don't want to do this anymore.

HEEEEELLOOOO..?

I had a wake-up call today.
I was walking down the main strip in Gatlinburg, by myself, going in and out of shops, looking at random things-- everything there was to see, I saw.

I was in The Village, which consists of 27 little shops, just wandering.
I went inside of a little Christmas shop, and looked at all of the cutesy ornaments, the pretty ones, the ...anyway.

====================

WAKE-UP CALL:
Stop being so drone! Wake up and smell the coffee, Tabytha! Take a walk and smell the roses, darn it!

====================

I was looking at things that I forgot that I appreciate. I forgot how much I enjoy looking at cards, and looking at glittery, pretty things. I forgot how much I like having fun, how much I like not remembering to look into a mirror or the reflection in a window to make sure my hair looks okay or check to see that I'm still acceptable-looking. I forgot how much I like to just have a good time, and just be.

(TO BE CONTINUED...)

I am unhappy about my return to the weird.

Why am I getting weird? Why is this happening right now, of all times? (Not that now is a particularly bad time for this to happen, but still, why now?) What’s making me go in reverse, after all the progress I’ve made? What can I do to stop this fast-rewind?

I feel like I’m drowning, in almost every way.

Financially: I am drowning. I ..am drowning. I need another job. No one is really hiring. My tattoos are becoming more and more of a problem. I don’t really want to have a long needle injected into my wrist and/or neck multiple times, then have a doctor cut my skin off, only to have to wear thick, blinding-white gauze until it heals into a different color of skin, with a scar unbearably noticeable/hard to avoid when it comes to the eyes. I need money for August. After I pay this month’s bills, I will have nothing. Maybe five dollars to my name if I play my cards right. I’m scared that I won’t get a job in time. I’m scared that I won’t get more than just my bill money, if I do get hired. I’m scared that I will go to bad lengths of wrong to get money that I think I need to have.

Thoughts: I am drowning. I think about what I have to get done for the future, before I think about the day. I think about all of the things to do for the day, and make a schedule, and never have enough time to do it all. I think about how I am pushing myself backwards, constantly, with nothing there to stop me from doing it. I have, thank goodness, stopped expecting a person to stop me from being the way I am, stressing, thinking, worrying, plotting. I’ve realized, finally, that that isn’t how it works. No one even close to me could stop me from thinking the thoughts that I think, no way, no how. I think about pain that others are going through, how I could help them if I could, how I want to hug my mom because I know how she feels, but only a fraction of it, but I can’t because …we aren’t like that. I can’t hug my mom out of the blue, and tell her how I feel what she’s feeling, because she would get mad at me, or she would yell at me, or hurt me. I want to hug my grandma and tell her that I hope she never dies, or remind her how important she is to me, my sister, my mom, my pop. I want to babysit her when she takes her medicine, I want to take her on walks, I want to control her internal temperature so that she wouldn’t get so hot. I want to hug my sister, and just hug her for a long long time. I want to squeeze her pain out, her anxiety, her debt, her hardships, her issues, her friends, her instability. I want to hug Pop and tell him that we feel it, too, and when his world crashes, my world will crash right along side of it. I want him to know that I’m here, too, and that he has me as long as he wants me. I want to hug my brother, and make him feel like he matters, and help him with everything, everything. I want to hug my best friend, and tell her that I’ll always be here for her, as long as she lets me. I want to hug out her hurt, and her thoughts, and her struggles. I want to punch her in the face, and bring her back to reality, and reset her battery. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stop thinking about how I’m falling, I’m failing. I can’t stop.

My heart: I am drowning. I have to watch Garffi every single day, at least half of each day, waddle around, needing to go to the vet. I pass the litter box, and fall to my knees every single hour, to clean up her mess on the floor, because she has diarrhea and can’t make it into the box before going, sometimes. I know that I need to help her, and I can’t. And I can’t just dismiss it all, because I’m her mommy and I really feel like I’m suffering, knowing that she’s suffering, knowing that she can’t function properly. I have to treat her like an old person, cleaning up after her, keeping an eye on her, making sure she’s still doing okay, following her from time to time, to make sure that she’s not doing things that I don’t know about.

Future: I am drowning. I am nearly twenty years old, and I have just piles and piles of experience to sum it all up to. I have no plan. I have too many plans with nothing else. I have goals that will never be accomplished because factors coming from the sides are going to interfere in every little way, adding things that I don’t want, adding things to do that I don’t want to do, or don’t know how to do, adding obstacles that I don’t feel like tackling because I’m a direct-outcome wanter, not an indirectly guided to the outcome kind. I can’t find it. I can’t find what it is that drives me to continue, drives me to be who I am. I can’t find what I like doing so much that I would never be able to stop liking it. To find that something that I can take, excel at, then transform it, excel again, transform it, enhance it, breed it, make it mine forever. I can’t find it. I can’t find it, and I’m drowning, and I might not ever find it, or I might find it 2 seconds too late, or I might continue to make things up and do what I think I want, and keep fucking up, and keep failing, and keep losing everything all the time, or some things some of the time.
I want to drink lots of water, take walks on a daily basis, wear sweaters, smoke pot, play with Garffi, feed the ducks at the park on a regular basis, travel every month, write my books, have my books published, enjoy Christmas to the full extent, and after a couple of years, have a baby, if I’m financially stable.

Now. What the FUCK is the problem with that?

.....
The worst problem about this entire note is that.. This isn’t even how I really feel. I can’t even convey, through writing, through blogging, my insides and what is really happening inside of me, and all around me, right now.

Enlightment Lesson: Boys and Selective Hearing:

Girls have selective hearing, while boys hear everything. Girls would go crazy if they didn’t have selective hearing. Guys are not wrong all the time, it’s just that girls do not realize that the guys have all the information, and that we only have some of it. Girls are superior beings, which make other girls (that, and their ignorance in general)believe a girl and her ruling before believing and taking a guy at his word and opinion. With girls being such, boys cannot avoid their superiority and have to succumb to it. Also, girls would easily take over the world and rule, without putting much thought into dismissing boys into a lesser category and making them slaves or something along those lines. So, boys are intelligent enough (intelligent period, really, it’s just that we as girls don’t realize it because of this EXACT explanation) to know that it’s better for them to keep their opinions to themselves most of the time, and when they forget that, they (most of them) end up agreeing with the girl just to save an argument. And the others.. ehh, well the other boys who push their side (knowing all of the situation and having the clear answer) are obviously rebellious, riot-starters. They are far and few between, it’s seeming more like these days. Anyway. The End.



Song of the day:
Hand Me Down: Matchbox Twenty.

BAM.

I'm fairly impressed with how much fun I am actually able to let myself have, and be.

I've got my head out of the clouds for 5 minutes.

I love ice cream and cookies and chocolate shakes and cereal w milk and pizza.

I know that I have responsibilities and that I can handle them even on the run, as I so often do.

I know that one day, I will get married. It will probably be before I turn 40, and that I have nothing (like that) to worry about.

I know that I will have at least one kid. At some point.

I know that I'm still a kid, that I don't need love like I seem to think that I need it. Like I seem to think that I need someONE's.

I know what I like to do to have a good time, and I like to do a lot of those things solo. Sometimes, I like to include others to the mix, and have a different kind of good time.

The thing is, is that.. I don't really care anymore. I don't need to clear my thoughts and organize them and decide who I should limit myself down to, when clearly, I can do whatever I want, and am and have been for a while. Why should I take that extra step, when I could be having a good time the way I'm having it? I'm not hurting anyone because, unlike some specifics, I don't take it to such a level that each individual feels like they're my 'one and only.' No one that I enjoy being around, in a playful, flirty atmosphere, realizes that I am on that level with them, so they can't get carried away by it, and eventually feel the right to expect something at some point. Nope. I know how to play the game.

Anyway. I just woke up today and realized that I don't care. And it's a great feeling to not feel at any given time. I can't not smile about it, really. It's just one more enlightenment that will help me stay sane and alive. I love each person I know and don't know, I truly do. I enjoy them, who they are, what they're about, all of them. Now, I just realize that I'm not of the age (personally) to feel obligated to pick just one to hold above all others and hope that he'll do the same for me.

No sweat, kiddos.

Let's get fiesty.

I'm making new old friends.

I have Garffi home. She loves me. I love her. It's a love story.

I'm tan.

I love the beach.

I love my moped.

I love hanging out w my friends.

I love my sister.

I am hardly working.

I need to make my decision.

I can't tell if God's sending me these friends and Garffi to try to tell me to stay, or tell me to go.

I hate the summer. Where'd spring go?

He's not The One. There isn't one. Thank God for ..you know.. ...God. Ha

I enjoy singing.

I should dance soon.

I cleaned my apartment. To pack, or to ..stay. I'm not sure.

I had to cut my bangs today. Already. I can keep track of my hair growing this way.

I'm not getting more tattoos.

I sure could use some marshmellow ice cream.

Maybe I should get ran over by a car. That would hurt. Bad idea.

I don't know if I can make this decision in 2 days.

I wish I could take Garffi on walks. Like a dog. Haha

I don't believe in mistakes. I believe in progess.

I'm going to pull an all-nighter. A fourth of July all-nighter.

Happy 7:20. Let's all pretend to care.

I have scars from Raine that I didn't realize I had. It's weird to me.

I don't know why I had such high expectations when I fail everyone I know, and should be able to relate to the ones failing me.

Every high hope leads me to failure in thoughts of progress in certain areas. Every "failed" situation has led me to be more independant and more dependant, less expectant and more expectant, less predicting and more pessimistic and more optimistic. It's complicated. I'm done.

Yesterday= RAWESOME.

Went to bed.
Straightened a little bit of my apartment.
Got home.
Left IHOP.
I play clue until 4am w the guys.
He invites me to stay and play Clue.
We get up to leave soon after, then stop to say bye to Corbe.
They all left.
Dustin and Joey came, sat, and talked to us in our booth.
Ate my stuffed french toast, nom nom nom nom.
Went back to my booth.
Sat down, talked it up for a little while.
Shawn took me to the other side of IHOP to see Dustin, Joey, and 12 others.
Saw Shawn on his way to the bathroom, and yelled at him hello.
Listened to Val's dream.
Took Shawnda to Corbe's booth and laughed inside about the awkwardness.
Got up to say hi.
Saw Shawnda, Jessica, and their babies.
Sat down in our booth.
Saw Corbe, said hi.
Went to IHOP.
Left Gram's.
Got drunk-dialed from Dakota and Alex, kind of.
I went to Gram's to talk to her about my decisions.
Val went home to take her dog out.
Decided to take Garffi home the next day, to clean the apartment and clean her.
Talked to Billy, Val, then my sister, too.
Went to Mom's, met up w Val.
Went home, set everything up for Garffi.
Went to Walmart-- got food, litter, treats, all kinds of flea shit.
Left to transfer scooter for car.
Took her to the back room.
Took her inside, gave her some food and water.
Went outside, called to her, she came running.
Little girl next door told me that Garffi was under my porch.
Left her door open, lights on, walked through the house, then answered a knock on the door.
Walked home (well, to Mom's).
Left the game, felt sick.
Ran, awkwardly, into a guy I talk to through facebook, and he smiled weirdly at me.
Michelle and Audra saw me and said hello.
Saw Meg and her fam, and said hey.
Got seats, went to get beer w Billy.
Got hollered at by a guy who knew me in high school, said hey.
Saw a friend from my high school cooking class, said hi.
Walked to the Otters game w Mom, Josh, and Billy.
Went to the bank and got Bacon Crunchy Burgers (or something) from Rally's.
Walked down to Mom's to hang w Billy.
Sat, talked to Gram while looking stuff up on the internet.
Went to Gram's.
Rode moped around for a little while.
Watched The Other Boelin Girl and ate cookies w milk.
Went inside, baked little fourth of July sugar cookies.
Got online.
Brushed teeth, did hair, put clothes on.
Ate a huge bowl of Coco Puffs w Marshmellows.
Got up.

She's like the wind.

Public Enemies= Fantastic movie, I thought.

Also, man. My life.. Um. Is going to be an adventure. From here on out, fashauty.

I'm nervous, but.. I'm excited. I'm outie, yo. Seriously.


It's official: I'm not going to settle. For anything. Probably.
And yeah, it kind of sucks. But really, whatever, man.

I've written out what I want to do, where I want to go, what I want to get done, and I'm doing it.

My time's running out, so I need to scoot.



And this is me shalling.

Watch me.