OKAY.

I knwo I'm so bouncy.

I know I know.




I'm unpacking my kitchen right now.

Maybe I caaaan have it all.

Maybe. Just maybe.



I have to be here at least until March.

I guess I'll just ..do that then.

Puhaha.



Um.
I can still travel.

I can still.. do these things.

I can!


I can still do school. No, I WILL still do school. Hopefully in January even still.

This can be fine.



I think so.

Sigh.

I'll live here. I will work weekends.

I will work really hard and make as much money as I can.


I will pay my bills.

I will try to save some money.

I will have a great Christmas here.


Things are going to be fine.

My birthday's going to be fine.


I'll get a car, or get mine fixed. It's not as bad as all that. I can do this.


I got this.

I. Got. This.


Everything's still okay.

Even my plans will be fine. Just a little fine-tuned. Things'll work out. I think that I have this.

I mean...

I feel better today.


I'm uh, stressed.

Ha.

So far, ..my mother's decided to force me to honor my 6-mo agreement when it comes to the house.

She also wants me to take a job at the hospital as a receptionist, full-time, with the intention of staying for 5 years so I can get a pension.

Uhm.


So far, ..I still have to pay for my rent at the apartment. And the house. And the utilities. And the cable and internet. And gas. And food. And my cell phone, and both loan bills.

And birthdays. And Christmas.


I have to either get my car fixed ($250) (EVEN THOUGH, WHO KNOWS WHEN THE NEXT AWFUL THING WILL HAPPEN TO IT) or get a car. Because my mom needs her's back, because the truck doesn't have heat. (I totally understand that, and yeah..)


I either need to put off flight attendant school, or ..go with my mom's plan for me.


========

On another note, I feel better today.

Because I've decided to write down the symptoms I see in myself.

Hopefully sometime, it'll matter.


I can't jump into things like I try so hard to.

I can relate to people, but I can't let people relate to me.

I need certain people in my life, and I try to push myself into things, into ideas, plans, scenes.
I can't do that, apparently. Because, as it's turned out, that's what messes me up.

Makes me freak, and change my mind. Only to change it back again, sometimes, after ruining it by explaining how I've changed my mind.

I'm a consistant screw-life-up (DIY).

But I don't wanna let you go. None of you. I just don't know how to stop myself. Not from letting you go, but from pushing myself away from you, or pushing you away from me.

I'm not sure what to do.

I know that I need to figure it out.

Figure me out.

I wish you could help.

Even the best fall down sometimes.

You're supposed to know that if someone has issues, you won't be able to be the person to their rescue. You can't be their hero, ultimately. You will not be the person able to change or fix them.

That if someone has cuts on their legs, scars.. that you've dived into a helpless, hopeless situation. You can barely handle yourself. We can all just barely handle ourselves, that the theory of being able to cure someone of such ailments is a lost cause.

Especially if the person isn't you. If it is you, we're pushed to seek help. Help from people trained in your specific area of distress. Whatever that may be.

What if you're a little bit in denial? Enough to know that you do it to cope. (In knowing that alone, said person should know that they have a problem.)

Enough to be told that you're a closet-pessimist.

Enough to know the right reaction to such a remark should be hurt, disgust at how "little" that person knows you.

[Enough to know that that isn't the worst confrontation you have or will experience.]

Enough to know just how to react according to most remarks.
Conversations.


Enough to know how to protect oneself.

Protect oneself against the truth, against the mirror.
Against attacks from reality.

Enough to hide, openly.

Who needs help? Said person could have enough control to control the issue enough.
To keep it from being truly exposed.

Enough to know to talk silly about the possible diagnosi, enough to throw close ones (and far ones) off the path of undeniable situations occurring in oneself.

Oneself.

Thank God it's just one, right?

Since when did I become my own worst enemy?

I had a mediocre beginning to my day. Getting irritated easily, and stomping my heels on the tile.

I had an alright lunch break w my unexpected fam.

Came back to work w a better mood. Better attitude.

Got a surprise visit from my friends. Talked.


Got happy, excessively happy, then depressed.

Because I've done it again.


I don't know when I'll ever make the right decision.

I don't know when I'll stop being the way I am.

I don't want to do this. I don't WANT to be this way. I didn't specifically ask for this.

I'm really sorry to be this way. Much more sorry than you'd be able to believe. And I honestly understand that. I just wish that it could be different.



I hate being me.

I hate being me, who does this.

I hate being me, who does this and expects change.

I hate being me.



I am my own worst enemy. And I don't like it.

I hate it.

I want to be right, for myself.
I want to do what needs to be done for myself.

I love God.
If I didn't, believe I'd be gone.


I don't want to play my own game anymore.
The more I keep going, the more I believe the bullshit I come up with, and the more disappointed I become. Disappointed at life, and my potential, with myself, at myself.

I've got problems. And they make me throw up.

It's alright. It's ...alright.

I uh, should write out my notice, and give it to them tomorrow.

I'm ..unhappy there.

Hm.


I hate Embassy Apartments. But.. if you're looking for a studio apartment, I can assist you with that, ha. ;)


I'm getting better and better ideas.

I need a little bit of time to uh, get that kind of stuff done.


Hm.
I wonder if they'll do me the favor of just telling me to not come back.


:/

I can't decide if I want to wear heels today, or not.

My feet hurt.

I have a ten hour day.

I think I'd better wear them. I haven't wore 'em in like, two weeks.
I'm slackin' in style. Well, you know.. almost, at least.


I feel a bit better now. I'm going to try to go in with a positive attitude, blank slate kind of shit.

Sigh.

After work, I'll get to go straight home, though.. Which will make me happier.


I really thought I knew just what kind of girl I am. I ..really have no idea.

WTF TRUE>

Your personal ruling planets are Venus and Uranus.You're a social dynamo with a grand expression of love, warmth and vitality, wherever you go.In your social and love life you may find it just a little difficult at times to find partners that can keep up with your lively nature. As well, you have a most erratic and spontaneous tendency...you know..."Lets go to Niagara Falls...now!!"Your progressive ideas will be noticed early in life and these talents can be put to great use if you could only proceed a step at a time. Don't scare people away with your radical ideas and demands for immediate support.Sudden rises and falls in your destiny require you to even out the peaks and troughs a little. 40th year appears magnificent.

51st post.

I'm sure that no one really prefers to read one of my long blog entries, but I feel it's necessary to warn you that this has serious potential of being just that. Don't feel obligated to read it.


So, I just watched Love Happens. I enjoyed the evening by myself... It's been a while since I've done the movie solo thing. It's a favorite hobby of mine, but I just haven't had time or validity for that. Ha.

Anyway. I cried at least three times throughout that movie.

I have realized recently-ish that I am way more of a complex person than what I give myself credit for a lot of times. I don't realize things about myself that maybe you already know or have noticed, and that really should make me feel uneasy, but I am actually so calm and drained right now that it just doesn't even matter either way to me.

I uh, have so much to say.

Is timing ANYone's forte?

Blarblarrr.

I had a DREAM where my back hurt. Lol. And, of course, it does.

I think I'm gonig to have to splurge a little, and have an Asian go at it for twelve minutes today.


Exercise!
Less eating!
More dresses!
Lay out in the sun!
Stick out the jobs.
Work on the wrist situation.
Pray aaaaaaaaaaaaa lot that I'll make enough money to cover all the things I'm going after.


Barkley Palaster is a bastard. With a semi-cool name.

You know what I don't like?

WHEN THINGS FALL ON MY HEAD REALLY HARD.

WAHHOO--

I like dresses. I like wearing dresses. I want more dresses.

I'm really going to appreciate it when the treadmill actually appears in my backroom. Lol

I'm nervous about what I'm going to do. But, I'm going to do it anyway.

I'm excited about what I've decided! I'm serious, and while I have another idea on the backburner, I am fully confident that I can do both if I work it out. :D

I'm nervous about the October trip, too.

And, I'm having a talk w a friend this evening. Because sometimes, even when people you love the most treat you the worst, you still don't want to go on without them. So, I've made the decision to keep those people, because they are who I love the most. And they mess up, and sometimes don't even care to notice, but ..I want them there anyway.

I need a new cord for my iPod, because Raine chewed it to the wire, and it won't work-- surprise, surprise!

I should go to the bank soon. Deposit both checks, two banks. Just paid for my October trip, woohoo!

I don't know about my wrist. Poor thing. I think I'm going to do the less beneficial. Which, no doubt, will leave me feeling awful soon enough, but ..I'm just ..I don't know.

I am more of a girl than what I realized. I get dewey eyelashes more often than I ever have. I blush easier than what I cared to notice. I like dressing up! I like things. Girly things. (Not pink, I'm not that gay, gahd. But other girly things!)

Stuff is good, and getting better.

Me and Dakota are friends.

Maybe, just.. maybe..

I'm being given these ..options..? or ..curveballs..? because I'm being given the other chance.

It's a test to see if I make the right decision this time.

I've got good options to work with, but will I do the right thing?

Or will I do bad again?

and again.

and..again..

So..

I got cable and internet today. :D

And I cleaned my bathroom out. :D

And I took a really long shower and used about 40 mintues to get the tangles out of my motorcycle'd hair.

I'm a little confused about something, but I'm going to take the time to figure out my true feelings. Which is hard for me, we're all very well-aware. I'm going to, though. Not just for me, but ..for you, too.

I've got a good birthday idea. Not my birthday. But, you'll see.

I really love my cat. She's sweet and adorable, and really soft.

NCIS has put me in a great mood tonight. LOVE IT. And surprise Starbucks drinks. :)

I love my family.

I'm excited that things are getting better for me.

I wish people could be a little more tolerant of religion. I wish what I thought mattered, in that way.

I'm in a good mood tonight. I like commercials. I miss certain times. I want to do things, fix some things, redo some things, relive the life. I'm working on that. Haha

Just wait. You'll see, soon.

Yes, sir.

My track back:

I am now a happy house-renter.

I now work 2 jobs, and an additional every so often.

I am driving a temporary vehicle, until who knows when.

I am on the search for another SuperScooter.


Future endeavors:

I'll be going to train in January or February.


Things to do/get:

Next pay, I'm ordering my passport.

I'm working on obtaining either a piano or a keyboard.

I'm teaching myself basic Italian, French (again), Greek, and Latin.

I want a karoke machine, and the movies: Ratatoille and He's Just Not That Into You.

Last night's dream:

Stephen Scene:

-I ran to catch up with Alice, who’d gotten tired of standing there waiting (with no idea of my intentions) and walked the sidewalk down towards the ice cream line. I ran and said “hey!” and lightly tossed myself on her back (not jumping on her back, just almost hugging her from behind, with unexpected force). She turned and smiled at me, and we walked together towards Ben, who was already waiting in line (last, of course). He was leaning his back against one of the columns, just smiling calmly, looking around.

-We stood there, patiently waiting for a minute, and then my bubbly-explosive good-mood moment kicked in again, and I just smiled bigger and bigger, looking at Ben looking all cute smiling so happily at nothing, and I used my excited-voice and said “Ben, you are ADORABLE. Just look at how cute you are! I love it!” and hugged him and let go just as fast, but all the while with a huge smile on my face, eyes lit up. He just laughed and kept smiling, looking towards the ground for a few seconds, then continued as he was.

-I stood there, glancing around, trying to get a feel for what’s around me in every direction (I like to be completely aware of my surroundings when possible), and that’s when I saw him. Not too far up the wiggly-line, Stephen Lang stood waiting, too. And he wasn’t alone, I saw. I couldn’t be sure of who was actually WITH him, but I could tell that about two guys behind/beside him were passing things out to strangers while they waited. I didn’t care about that, but I couldn’t really take my eyes off of Stephen. I have a gawking issue, and it kicks in almost doubly when I notice someone that didn’t exactly treat me right, unexpectedly. I finally pulled my eyes away.

-At some point, as the line kept moving, step by step, inch by inch, the random strangers between my little group and his little group kept dwindling (from the irritation of waiting in line for so long), and eventually, I was standing close enough behind him to see that the guys were handing out post-cards to advertise a big party coming up. (I kept myself as distanced from Stephen as I could, seeing as I’m sure he’d have the balls to holler over to me a “hey! What’s up?!” and then go back to acting like I wasn’t there not five seconds later, but I really wasn’t interested.) When the guys passed out the cards to the people in front of the people in front of me, they glanced up and saw me, and hurriedly just thrust the cards into the people in front of me’s hands, and didn’t socialize about it, then walked the few steps back to stand beside/behind Stephen, and just occasionally glanced back, only in my direction (as if to see if I was still standing there).

-My irritation was building. Of course Stephen had known I was there, too. Of course I hadn’t NOT noticed him making quick looks behind him, only to shoot his eyes STRAIGHT forward once more. And the girl to his left probably was entirely clueless. My irritation built to anger. I was just so angry. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. After one of the guys glanced back at me, AGAIN, I yelled “HEY, what’s the issue, bud? Don’t WE get a postcard?!” And they tried to play it off like they didn’t hear me, and just gave each other shocked looks instead. So, I took a step forward, kind of nosying the people in front of me’s cards, and said “Oh, cool! That’s this weekend! Man, let me get one of those cards! Can I?” And one of the guys turned slightly, and just gave me a look as if saying “Girl, what are you doing? Just stop, you know to stop.”

-The line started moving a little more. Stephen and the girl went with the line, him moving in angles to where he could be focused on her body, but to where he could easily, without suspicion, turn to look at me. The guys went forward more slowly, and when they ended up between the people in front of me, I grabbed one guy’s upper arm/shoulder, and he turned to me (not meanly, not nicely) and I said “hey?” and he said “You know I can’t give this to you. I’m not giving you one, okay? So stop.” And I FUMED.

-I yelled “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T GIVE ME ONE? IT’S A FUCKING POSTCARD TO A PARTY.” He didn’t answer me. I knew at least the back 1/3 of the line had the ability to hear me yelling—including Stephen and his new girl. I let the heat rise to the back of my throat, and reach my ears, and my cheeks, and yelled “Oh WAIT. You mean you don’t WANT me at your party? WHY IS THAT? Is it even your party? No… (glancing at the postcards in his hand), it sure isn’t even your party. So, wtf, man?” Nothing. “HAHA, ALRIGHT.” I went to back up one step, holding my hands up like I didn’t want them to come at me swinging (even though that wasn’t even what was going to happen, I can easily assure). I yelled “It’s because of STEEEEEPHEN, RIGHT?! Stephen’s going to the party, and he doesn’t want me to come, RIGHT? Hahaha…”

-Stephen looked back, and looked back at the girl. The guys didn’t say anything, just kind of looked down in confirmation. I patted the guy’s arm once, and said softer, “It’s okay. I don’t go to parties anymore anyway. I just wanted to know.” I just looked at them for a second, looked towards the ground, and backed up, to stand with Alice and Ben again. The guys moved slowly towards Stephen again, and stopped. We all kept waiting for our damn ice cream. I was sad. All over again. Thanks to Stephen, all over again.

-Finally, hurt and still a bit angry, we made our way through the line (the concrete swirvy, and the line just as much so), got my ice creams and was waiting to go back. I was alone at this point, Alice had gone when she’d gotten her ice cream, as had Ben with his. The movie was probably starting, and it’d’ve been rude to make them wait. I stood sideways towards the counter, with the ice cream to my left and a swirvy, resting area to my right (where there were some tables and chairs, and a lot of empty standing space. Stephen, amongst a huge group of standers, was over there forming a crowd. He didn’t have ice cream. He’s vegan. Ha.

-I was at the very end of the line, finally, and I had just swiped my card to pay out, and this bigger guy was on the very very end, holding his ice cream, standing right in front of the little exit swing-door. I put my hand on this guy’s chest/upper-shoulder (keep in mind that this is the way I move in crowds always, and people generally get the idea that I’m wanting past them, or needing them to make space for me), because he was blocking my exit-path (expecting him to budge slightly to let me through). He looked at me for a second, but didn’t move. He hadn’t given me a look of confusion, so I didn’t understand the miscommunication. I just stared at him, kind of waiting, and nothing! He just looked down, and got down to tie his shoe, holding his ice cream in his big mouth.

-Even with him hunched over to tie his shoe, I was only my shoulders and head taller than that version of him, and could do nothing but stand there. I got pissed off and said “Get out of my WAY. You’re obviously RIGHT where I need to go, so MOVE, asshole!” And he looked kind of shocked when he looked up at me, and was like “Geez, well, I didn’t know.” And stood up slowly (possibly trying to be intimidating, but unaware that I was past being anything but pissy at this point in the ice cream area).

-As I pushed past him and his irritated facial expression, I kept raising my voice, word by word, as I got huffy and said “What do you MEAN? You think I just touch people for FUN?!” I looked over at Stephen, who must’ve felt my gaze because he looked up too, and I yelled, loud and proud and firm (looked back at the big guy) “I DON’T. TOUCH. PEOPLE. FOR FUN. (looked at Stephen, made eye contact and continued on, smoothly) ….I DON’T TOUCH FOR—F U N.” I put a little proud smirk on my face during the last second of our eye-contact (all the while, he held a neutral know-nothing look on his face), turned on my heel and pushed past the big guy and the swinging door, and walked away, feeling totally relieved and proud.