I mean...

I feel better today.


I'm uh, stressed.

Ha.

So far, ..my mother's decided to force me to honor my 6-mo agreement when it comes to the house.

She also wants me to take a job at the hospital as a receptionist, full-time, with the intention of staying for 5 years so I can get a pension.

Uhm.


So far, ..I still have to pay for my rent at the apartment. And the house. And the utilities. And the cable and internet. And gas. And food. And my cell phone, and both loan bills.

And birthdays. And Christmas.


I have to either get my car fixed ($250) (EVEN THOUGH, WHO KNOWS WHEN THE NEXT AWFUL THING WILL HAPPEN TO IT) or get a car. Because my mom needs her's back, because the truck doesn't have heat. (I totally understand that, and yeah..)


I either need to put off flight attendant school, or ..go with my mom's plan for me.


========

On another note, I feel better today.

Because I've decided to write down the symptoms I see in myself.

Hopefully sometime, it'll matter.


I can't jump into things like I try so hard to.

I can relate to people, but I can't let people relate to me.

I need certain people in my life, and I try to push myself into things, into ideas, plans, scenes.
I can't do that, apparently. Because, as it's turned out, that's what messes me up.

Makes me freak, and change my mind. Only to change it back again, sometimes, after ruining it by explaining how I've changed my mind.

I'm a consistant screw-life-up (DIY).

But I don't wanna let you go. None of you. I just don't know how to stop myself. Not from letting you go, but from pushing myself away from you, or pushing you away from me.

I'm not sure what to do.

I know that I need to figure it out.

Figure me out.

I wish you could help.