More things that I need to invest in, and start doing.

Stamps
Envelopes
Dry shampoo
Toilet paper
Bagels
Christmas lights
Lamps
Cat food (soon)
Stationary
A Mac
A blowdryer


Start walking,
Go to revivals,
Make holiday plans,
Be great,
Write more,
Feed ducks,
Plan trips,
Go to concerts,
Keep in touch,
Birthdays,
Addresses,
Files of information,

I want:

A waterbed,
A violin,
A piano,
A new car,
A puppy,
A condo near the beach,
The movie Waitress


To go to church revivals,
To take cooking lessons,
To learn to knit and sew,
To take piano and violin lessons,
To take my trips again,
To leave the country,
To sky-dive, and other dangerous, adventurous things


TO SAVE FOR:
My passport,
My FA education,
My trips,
My moped,
My relocation (however close or far that may end up being),
My multiple appointments,
My retirement,
My shopping sprees,
My wedding

It's a song.

I'd really like to know you.

I'd really like to show you.

Just exactly who

I am, and who I will never be.


I'd really like to

Know you.

I'd really like to show

You.


I wish that you would

Let me prove just who

I can be.


I'd really like to know you.

I'd really like to show you.

Will I ever get to know

Just what you know.


I can see only

What you show.

Tell me more of

All you know.


I'd really like to know you.

I'd really like to show you.

This is me.

This is me.


Darling, can't you see?

I just want you.

To want me, too.

I'll show you who

I am.

I Need to Decide.

I have a lot of life experience.
I have a lot of job experience.
I want to figure out what I want to do.
I need to know where I have to go.

To be happy.

All I want is to be happy.
Here, I need to be happy.
Here, I know I won't always be in hell.
But here, I have to reach for my light.

I need to learn what makes me smile.
I want to decide what else to do.
I have made a lot of mistakes, and bad choices.
I have enough to erase my life through.

I cannot lose.

The time I have to live this.
Sometime I'll have to kiss it all goodbye.
For now, I want to stay like this forever.
For now, I want to stretch out towards the sky.

2012

I just saw the world up-close and ending.
I never saw it coming, through the sound.
The noise, it's overtaking,
How can we even hear you scream outloud?

I don't know how to stop this pain from coming.
I have to figure out a plan,
To change my life to a better living,
To change myself to help the world around.

I'm not alone like I get down and start thinking.
You're right next door, you're only across town.
I want to save my world from rearranging,
I can't refuse to start all of this right now.

What can I do to start being so better?
How can I start again from all I know?
When will the earth start crumbling to pieces?
Like how, when will we know?

I want to fight, I want to save
Myself.
I want to search for
The things I need to know.
I want to fight.

On Channel 44.

I had a dream last night
That I was at the try-outs
For a talent show.

A guy tried to juggle
Five soccer balls,
But juggled four instead.

The contestants were less
Than the ideal expectation,
But I liked it.

At the end,
I decided to try,
So I'd sang.

Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Biiiiirthday.

I was nervous and
I'd had no real experience,
But I sang.

Sometimes I guess I can be brave,
I woke up..
Singing Happy Birthday.

How do you feel about love?

How do you feel about love?

When do you know what's what?

Attraction's a trick, do you know?

Liking someone, and liking someone.


Do you enjoy a person's company?

Will you laugh when they're angry?

When will you change your mind?

How do you feel about love?


Sometime, a lover's quarrel becomes broken.

How do you feel about love?

Can you be sure when you love a person?

What makes you think you're in the loop?


Will you know between fake and real, when it comes to me?

Do you like it when I breathe, when I speak so free?

How do you feel about love?

I'll always bet that you just might like me.


How do you feel about love?

Is it always a test?

Will I always run free?

Should it be complex or simplicity?


Does time takes it's toll?

Do you think love dies?

How do you feel about love?

Can love be repeated, or done just one time?


What stage do we get in, to get the right phase?

Is time the manager of love?

What makes love stop?

How do you feel about love?


You don't know me, not even close.

How do you feel about love?

Why do you think you'd fallen over me?

When will it stop-- love and her trickery?


Can I go without love forever?

Do you think kharma provides and takes away?

Tell me what you think.

How do you feel about love?

Thanksgiving, oh how happy thou maketh me.

I am thankful for:

-My grandma. For listening to me. For being my best friend. For being a badass granny. For loving me.

-My sister. For being the greatest sister a person could have, on her good times and good days.

-My pop. For being honest, and genuine, and a hard, strong, working man. Someone to set the bar for any other men in my life. (Whenever I begin to apply those standards, then we'll be in business.)

-My brother. For being such a true spirit. For trying so hard, for struggling, and continuing to swim towards the surface. For being brave. For being worth my time.

-My mom. For giving birth to me. For not quitting, when quitting seems to be the only option. For showing me what to not do, most of the time. For our few and far between good times together one on one.

-Valerie. For being my friend for these years, and years to come. For proving to me what makes up a best friend, and a worst friend. For being the reason of my learning to forget, along with forgiving. For making my life better sometimes. And for making me cry other times. Because, lord knows we can't get any good unless we get some bad.

-Meg. For thinking of me as her best friend for life, no matter how often we lose track of each other, and lose sight of what's going on. She has faith in me.

-Garffi. For always being home when I get here. For being so pretty and soft, and for when she tries snuggling up to me when I'm sad or upset, even when I clearly don't want her in my face. And, for her sometimes trying to eat my leftovers, liiiike my cereal milk, :/ like right now. Lol



-For the grass being that really fresh, gorgeous green that it is sometimes.
-For birds being able to fly, and for fish being able to swim.
-For movies showing me parts of life that I'll never experience. For allowing me to feel involved even when I'm not.
-For my job. And for my other job. For paying me to do what I really enjoy doing. Being with and around people. And making people's minute, from time to time.
-For Christmas, and the entire month prior. For the lights, the music, the snow, the smiles.
-For having been released of my insanity. Well, sort of.
-For having the slight intiative to get a grip, and try to find my path.
-For getting my groove back.
-For certain music, certain feelings, certain sights, certain smells.
-For food.

Thanks again, dude. Amen.

CHAROLETTE.

Where's It..?

How do I get out?

Can you point me towards the exit?

I'd like to leave.

Where am I?

Should I go left?

I really don't want to be here.

Do you know the way out?

Will you show me another sight?

I'm not feelin' this.

When can I go?

Can you tell me what's else?

I'd rather split, -please, now.

Where is there another..?

Where's it..?

Apostrophe T.

I won't stop speaking.

You can't keep me out.

You can't keep me down.

I'll fight until I can't.

I won't stop until I die.

You can't leave me here.

I can't not try, I can't just die.

You won't forget this.

You can't just let me go.

I keep going on.

I won't get there.

You've stopped leading me on.

You can't leave.

I won't let you die.

You can't make me stop.

I'll fight until I can't.

You're leaving me.

I'll fight until I die.

I fight for you.

Be Who I Need You To Be.

Extend your neck, always.

Keep your head straight, looking forward.

Stare, don't squint.

Don't bat your eyes.

Lick your lips quick, don't linger.

You've got to be hard;

You've got to be hard;

You've got to be a hardcore man.

Hold my hand.

Twist your fingers in between mine.

Pull me toward you.

You've got to be strong.

Put your hands on my hips.

Put me where you want me.

Hold me near you, don't soft up.

Your hand is on my face.

Look into my eyes.

What are you looking for?

Bring up my chin, and rush in.

Kiss me swiftly.

Don't kiss me if you don't mean it.

Kiss me hard;

Kiss me hard;

Kiss me hardcore.

Be a man.

I like you.

I like a hard, strong man.

He calls to me, when I can finally breathe
Speaks my name, to leave me shaming

Pretend that I don't know him
Keep slumming to my pain

I would never pick you, if I had another chance
Let go of my hand and, I'll leave you

I miss you being weird to me
You don't even know my favorite color

He's ugly always, and I don't mind it
Smelled like me, I was proud of it

I can't loiter on this level
Have to speed up this piece of prison

I hate you for forgetting me, don't forget
Drown yourself in bullshit, ruler of my kingdom

Please be different, I need a friend
I wish you needed me like you used to

What Makes Things Break Up Like They Do?

I know that I lied.

I told you to be good,
And to do what you should.

I'm sorry.
I told you that I lie.

Perhaps at another time,
You'll remember why.

I didn't know that I would
So I guess that I'm worse.

I wanted to let you,
And that's why I told you.

I'll try to be true,
But I break up like things do.

I know that I lied.
Just.

Know that I cried.

Foresight.

songs playing.
singing songs.

nod my head.
pound my heels.

smile.
shake my head.

pushing buttons.
bite my lip.

heart pounding.
singing louder.

expand diaphram.
smile broadens.

tap the wheel.
toss my hair.

pretend to ignore.
touch the roof.

glancing around.
hum softly.

lean over to the window.
turn it up.

slowly frowning.
head bobbing softly.

closing eyes.
forget goodbyes.

i'm a goner.
splat.

I should've known.

sometimes,
i wonder where
i went wrong.

what step did i trip on,
which street did i cross,
when did i get lost?

i see my feet and
zone through the grass
picturing my past.

i'd like to go back
to where i once was;
anywhere at all's fine.

sometimes,
i wonder when i'll be asked
"will you be mine?"

like some sort of card
i need some sort of sign
why don't you just take me there instead.

i get lost easy
but that's not the problem;
the issue's my memory.

where've i gone
what've i done
please take me home.

i don't want to be here anymore
it's all i can think about
just show me the way.

listen, i need you
more than i needed you before,
so can you please just push me?

knock me,
pull me through
oh dear, nevermind, no not you.

i'll find a way
i can't go back but
i'll stray along until i lose.

i'll be lost without you
i'm lost in your eyes
i'm losing my mind.

i don't even know any of you

11/22/09 First poem since high school.

Licking my lips,
Searching, rocking eyelashes up and down,
Spinning 'round and 'round

I dunno where to go,
I can't find the right threads to sew
When's my birthday?

I need a drink,
I don't wanna stop to think
Where I've come to..

Oh, gahd, who are you?
Drop my glass,
Shit tastes like ass

I don't know what to say,
"Oh, you! Hey, hey"
I don't like it

I'd hug you, but
You'd be confused
And I'm not in the mood to be used

No, not tonight
I don't want this today-
I need to breathe time away.

I'll sip on oxygen,
And wait for you to leave
Because I need to grieve

In silence.

Goodbye, my almost-lover.

Who says?

-Bible one.

-Children, Listen.

-Thoughts.

-Secrets.

-Ideas.

-Allow me to elaborate... A true story.

-Dearest Diary.

O-k, it's time to get real.

I need to think about what I'm good at.

What I enjoy.

What I enjoy doing.

Where I enjoy being.

What I enjoy hearing, tasting, touching, thinking.

What I want to have completed in life by the time I die.



I need to be realistic, of course, (not "of course" like I always am realistic, but "of course" like, this is me getting real, and being realistic is real in getting real, dig?) but think of the big picture, then break it down into the small pictures.


I don't need to worry about things that I cannot help at this time. Feeling that I cannot control at this time. Money that I do not have at this time. Opportunities that aren't reality at this time.


I need a legit plan. And bank on it. Without involving variables like boyfriends, and whatever else.



BOOM. And there I have it. I'll work on this tomorrow. In a positive light, I hope.

PS, My life sucks because I let it suck, and sometimes even MAKE it suck.

I just want to know what the matter is with me.

I can't keep doing this. Keep playing these games with people. With myself.


I don't know if it's really far past issues that are leading me to be such a fuck-up in these type of situations, or if it was Mark, or if it's just me. I really don't know.

I feel like I have this blockage, to where I can't force myself to think past it, in order to analyze myself to find out the true problem. Or possible problem, or lead. I can't get past the blockage. And I'm not fighting to.



I thought I was ready.

This just makes me think that I'm still just NOT ready.

Which makes me feel even shittier, kind of.

STILL NOT READY? Really??

..Really?!




There's something wrong. Some part of me needs tweaked. Some part of me is a second off.

I don't like the way that makes me feel.


I feel like I'm in my prime, and if I can't reel one in now, then I'm a loner for sure. But the problem isn't reeling someones in, it's the whole ..me keeping interest/me being comfortable/me being able to go forth instead of making that someone drag me forward, against my will... thing.

Makes me feel scared. Being alone forever.
I didn't realize how lonely I am, until a short while ago.
And now that I've recognized it in myself, I feel naseaus and suffocated by it.

Like, I need to relieve myself somehow, and quick. But how? OH, I know HOW. ...NOT.

My ideas are terrible.

Haha




Seriously though.
Terrible.


Sincerely,
Terribly Thought-Out Tab

I want a simple life.

Sometimes, I forget how to go about that. Or I try so hard to get to that, that I complicate things, and then get flustered about the complexity of everything in my life.



Sometimes, I forget that right now, and ten minutes ago, and three days ago, are all part of my time. That this time that I keep living, and going on, it's all part of what I'm going towards, what I'm going for. I keep looking so far out, that I'm overlooking right now.

Sometimes I remember to take this for what it is, though. Those are the times I like the most. I try to live it so deeply that I breathe deeper, trying to fill myself with the moment. I can't honestly say that every moment I live is one of those times. Maybe I should encourage myself to make them each those moments though. Even the ugly, sad, bad ones. Because it's all emotion, it's all intense, it's all worth it in the end. Every bit of it all leads me to the next big thing that I count on, the next lessons I learn, the next memories, the next rule I make for myself.


I am, actually, enjoying right now, with my freshly painted toenails, huge, fluffy, clean hair, trashy house, plans tonight, blah blah blah. ;)

I make things special for myself. I try to instill the good moments in myself, for myself. I've gotten pretty good at it. But sometimes, other things get my attention, and it's hard to focus on so many things at one time.


Sometimes, a few good things happen at once, and make it difficult for me to remember the other good things that I try to hold high.



It's okay though.
I can't do everything.

I can't control myself all the time.

Dear Diary,

This morning (around 3 something), I woke up from a dream about some sort of paranormal activity.

I got up, got dressed, ate cereal, then went to work.

Pop and Josh got into a motorcycle wreck today. I panicked. Of course.
I left work and went to the hospital, where I remained for hours.

I took Gram home around 5:30p, and she made hamburgers and real fries. It was great. We had a heart-to-heart. A few, actually. She's happy for my situation.

At 6:30ish, I left to go to Showplace to meet up with Sean. I followed him from theater to theater as he cleaned, haha. Then got tired of roaming in heels, and went to sit down in our theater.

I was hollered at by an old high school friend, and went up to talk to her and her old boyfriend (who I knew as well), until Sean came in.

We watched The Fourth Kind. I'd already seen it before, but he wanted to see it, so I'd agreed to go with. (He whispered to me that I looked pretty, during the movie.^.^) It really got to him, I think, lol.

Then we left, and he hugged me for a long time. Trying to make me feel better, I think. Which was very kind of him.

I headed out, and came home to rebudget and plan my tomorrow.


Tomorrow, I meet up w Val bright and early, and depart to Nashville (<3) for the day, where we'll shop for hours on end (I have a very pretty, shiny new credit card with the beach on it), and then go to the Regina Spektor concert that evening, then head to Wafflehouse around midnight, as tradish.

It's going to be a good day.

Tuesday, Sean has a surpise afternoon/evening planned for me. He's taking me somewhere, and I'm thinking it's maybe thirty minutes away, because his timing seemed as such. But, I'll see, I suppose. He promised that I'll be safe, so hopefully he's being honest. LOL

I tried to talk him into taking me to the circus, but we'll both be working and having plans on Thanksgiving, and that whole weekend, I'll be working doubles, :( I'm totally bummed, but he said he's going to try to find a way for us to go anyway. :( So not possible, though.



Anyway.

Sigh.

I should really go to sleep now, considering what I have going on tomorrow, haha. :) I'm totally pumped.

Goodnight, Diary. Thanks for listening to me,
Tab

November '07

I sat in my car, waiting for you
Though I knew you would not come.
I looked at the sky and sang a few songs,
While I waited for you to come.

I thought and I thought and
You still hadn't come,
But I thought that love was unfair.
For I wait and I wait and
I continue to wait all the
While you do not care.

So my wishes and wants
Were wastes of my time
Because as I sit here waiting for you,
I know in my heart that this isn't right
But it's the most that I'm able to do.