2010.

I wish that people would take each other seriously.

I wish that we didn't always have to laugh at our own jokes.



Um.

Starting in 2010, I am going to be nicer.
I am going to be more outgoing.
I am going to relax.
I am going to be less of a glutton.
I am going to appreciate every moment, all the time.
I am going to be happy to be alive.
I am going to work, and have a home, and travel (I hope).
I am going to go to church on Sundays that I don't work.
I'm going to take people seriously.
I'm going to believe you, and believe in you.
I'm going to be humble.
I'm going to be good.


I really will.

Merry Christmas.

While I was mostly goofing around, making silly facial expressions at my brother and sister halfway down the row, and holding and squeezing Pop and Gram's hands as I held them on my lap last night, trying to make them feel comfortable and loved and not-so separated, I was also in church, halfway listening.


It's pretty incredible that Mary and Joseph just walked through crowds, trying to find a place to stay.. I mean, people just walked right past them and didn't even realize who they were, or who they'd be.

Mary and Joseph could've been anyone out of everyone. We might have Bible-extraordinary people amongst us right now, and we just walk right on past them.

I know that everyone takes most everyone else for granted at all given times, but I suppose I never thought about Mary or Joseph or maybe even Jesus being that way.

It goes along with treating everyone as you'd like to be treated, obviously, since what if one of those other people were Mary? You'd have no way of knowing from the outside, really. You'd have no idea, maybe even if you were her friend.

And what if Jesus walked amongst us? Like the homeless guy by Taco Bell, or the cat lady on the bus, and so on? Treat everyone as we'd like to be treated, and I'm pretty certain that the ultimate way I'd like to be treated is how Jesus himself would treat me.


It's just a strange thought.

That person that cut us off yesterday, ..they could've been on their way to the hospital to have a baby. And we'd sworn that we were going to put a cap in their ass.

:/

I know that Jesus has already been born. I'm not retarded, thinking that Jesus will be reborn, but ...we really just need to give people the benefit of the doubt. And we all have that friend or family member who has a hard time quite often, and we understand because they let us into the details of situations, and we know they can't do anything about it, and that they're truly struggling, while other people assuming they're 'emo' or stubborn or self-centered. We know, because they let us.

Perhaps some of us should make it our New Year's Resolutions to treat every person-- stranger, acquaintance, friend, good friend, best friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, family member, boss, co-workers, church people, etc-- like you treat that one friend of your's. Understand, or at least, give them the benefit of the doubt. Give out your heart to every person. Believe what they tell you. Forget that people try to "get attention" and play the "pity card" because we're letting it all happen by offering those options.

Just, be genuine. To yourself, and to the people. WWJD?

__

At least I have somewhere to live, come February.

Tab, seriously. ..Love, Tab.

I need to:

a) Make a resume,

b) Apply,

c) Try to get a little loan,

d) Leave it up to fate.


And stop trying to talk myself into leaving Evansville. If this doesn't work out, it's just not meant to be for 2010.

REDO: New Year's Resolutions.

-Eat just one serving each meal.

-Walk three times a week, at least.

-Clean once a week.

-Celebrate holidays.

-Work very hard, work often, save money.

-Remain in lease for twelve entire months.

-Every two months, go for a 2-3 day trip.

-Be learning a skill at all times (starting in February, probably).

-Keep in touch.

I'm really trying here.

Dear Santa,

I can't really say that I've been very good this year, but I can't say I've been very bad either. Somewhere, sometime, I lost the ability to be either good or bad. I suppose the new polars we can use are self-centered (in a less than generic way) and objective (moreso in a libra sort of way).

Santa, I try really hard. To be good, to do the best that I can when it comes to every person around me, and all I really want is a place to live in February, a major, a good secure job, a car, and the ability to smile.


Please, Santa.

Sincerely your's.

New Year's Resolutions.

-Eat only salads and negative calories.

-Clean my house once a week.

-Save seriously for a) puppy, b) car, c) relocation, d) student loan payoffs, e) FA school.

-Travel at least once a month.

-Go to at least 2 concerts.

-Write on a regular basis.

-Learn piano, and consider violin.

-Take lessons of all kinds.

-Smiles at least one hundred million times a day, every day.

-Keep in touch.

-Be more involved.

This one's perfect.

http://www.gemologica.com/images/am334_white_topaz_diamond_gold%20_ring_1.jpg

I Don't Know if I'd Want to Know.

I looked at you
Putting your stuff down
Putting your self down



Right across from me
I was in the room
Almost alone



I looked at you
Drinking from a cup
As I drank from mine



I watched you
Pull out your headphones
And close your eyes



I played distracted
I smiled too much
Too genuine



I looked at you
Sitting in the chair
Sun-shined face

I wondered
Why you sat
Right there

You were a picture
For my pleasure
A shadowbox

I looked at you
Looking sad
And asked to see

I heard your voice
I smiled
At your smile

You sounded
Like plush grass
I like it

I looked at you
For a long time
So quiet

I kept busy
On my phone
You checked your's

I looked up
Your eyes were closed
I gazed forever

Your wrists were perfect
Your coat was black
And blank

I felt
Soft
Seeing you

You look to me
Like butter
Spreads

I looked at you
Looking at nothing
Like I do

Eventually you left
But I said
Goodbye

I bet you feel
Like velvet
I can see you

Life.

The world is a very dangerous place, with different booby traps, and wicked people, and scary situations.


I should be where I am remotely safest. That's probably here. Where I have lived these twenty years. Where I am familiar and comfortable. Where I can walk into a public place, and know at least one person everywhere.


I have unrealistic expectations of the world, of people I know, of people I love, of people I don't like very much, of my life, of my future, of myself.


The most genuine and realistic that I can be, leaves me to these hopes and dreams and wants:

-I want a career as a flight attendant, and a sidejob of some sort of paperwork/secretary/receptionist position.

-I want to live somewhere small and safe and comfortable. Probably here.

-I want a condo by the ocean, for when I want to pick up and be somewhere else.

-My house to be a small cottage.

-I want to get married, and have a child, or children.

-I don't want to be financially stressed, at all.




That's what I'm serious about. That's what I know. I don't really know much more than that. And I'm not going to start persuing any of that, until I'm stable enough to grasp something without tossing it away from me on impulse.

It's a bad time for me right now.

Life: short, exciting, scary, pointless, meaningful, weird

A lot of times, I don't know what the point of life is. Actually, it's a consistant nonunderstanding. I don't think anyone really knows. Maybe there is no point to life. It's all just a game. A game that no one even wins at. It's kind of a terrible situation.

Friendship: complex, futile, difficult, issues, popcicle stick theory

I feel like my friendships are built up, like a little house with exterior walls and a roof made out of tiny, thin popcicle sticks glued together. Sometimes, I have faith in myself and the other person and our relationship together. I feel like we are strong, and we'll have the ability to stand up to anything that tries to wear us down. I'm wrong.

My friendships, each in time, break at some point. Some part in the roof gets cracked in one or two spots, then three. And soon, the parts of the roof that are still okay, aren't enough to keep the roof from caving in, and the walls come apart all around it. It breaks my heart. It makes me cry.

Friendships are complex, with the constant good times, the fights, the arguements, the disagreements, the opinions, the having each other's back, the backstabbing, the lack of loyalty, the who's right and who's wrongs, the differences in each person's life. It's a lot to handle, it is a lot to try to keep together. It's compromise and it's a war, and it's backing down sometimes, and it's standing up sometimes, and it's brutal.

Everyone has their issues. Trying to fit ourselves together like pieces in a puzzle. That's what we do in our relationships. I think I have a friendship issue. Either it's me, and I am completely oblivious to the problem that I have, or I have a problem with chosing the right people to be my friend. Because while even the best fall down sometimes, the worst try to push you down farther even when you think you can't get any lower.

Family: too much, just right, straight love, everything

My family is all I have, is all I could handle having. I love each person in my family so much that I'm consistantly surprised that my heart hasn't exploded. I have the ability to appreciate every one for different things. I can't imagine being without any of them. And I think that perhaps one of the reasons I try to move so often is so that I can distance myself from them, and make it easier on me when something happens to any of them.

While I wish that I didn't have anything I couldn't stand losing, I really don't want to be without them. While I'm lonely more than I've ever noticed before, I try to be with them as much as I can. While I feel like I try to be kind and understanding to strangers and people who are possibly misunderstood, I try to be whoever my family needs me to be, when they need me separately for something only I seem to be able to help them with or through.

Love:

I don't know a lot about love. I had a dream where I was in love once. It was the most intense, overwhelmingly happy feeling I'd ever felt.

I know that I care about my family so much that it hurts when I sit down and really think about the immense quantity that I have of that feeling.

I don't know if I will ever feel fully loved by anyone other than my family. I don't know if I'll ever be able to really believe that anyone could possibly know me well enough to know whether they truly love me or not. Right now, that's what I struggle with. I don't believe people and their opinions. I can't take compliments, because I don't believe that they fully know what they're saying. I suppose I feel like everyone's too shallow to understand what's really there.

I know that I long to be loved, and I know that I have an issue with allowing anyone close enough to be able to love me. Perhaps I have a feel of being unlovable. I don't really think I do, but maybe I do. I know that love makes the world go 'round, and the world is spinning slower and slower. I try very hard to love and to spread love, but the world pushes me down so much that sometimes, I'm just trying to breathe without being squished to death. And sometimes, I get hasty with my love-mission. I get hateful and angry. Why isn't anyone helping me? Why isn't someone pulling me back up?

I'm more of a taker than a giver, I know that. I give out my heart and my feelings and my mind, but nothing else really. So that leaves me as a taker. I take all I can get. I try to get more than that, sometimes. You can say that I'll never be able to know love really until I learn to take and give equally, but I wouldn't believe that you'd know what you were talking about anyway, so your words would prove pointless to me.

Growth: so much, constant, scary, sad to me, exciting surfacely, nerve-wracking

We each grow, from the time we're little babies, when we're little kids, when we're teenagers, when we're young adults, when we're real adults, when we're elderly, when we're old. We grow and grow, and change. I knew this, I know this, most people do. I tried to embrace it without really thinking it through very much. I tried to avoid it, by figuring out who I am and why, but all the changing I forced myself through...was probably just a cover-up to avoid going through change like everyone else. I want control of change if I have to go through it. I've realized I can't control it.

My sister's pregnant, and I can't control it. I wasn't a part of that. I wasn't there for that decision. I wasn't able to keep it from happening. I couldn't plan it for her. For us. For everyone.

I changed my mind every five minutes. I changed my plan every five days. I changed my look every five weeks. I changed my friends every five months. I was in charge of change. I pushed change so change wouldn't push me. I don't like to be pushed around. I'm being pushed around. And it isn't going to stop.

True Love?

I wonder if true love is real.

Like, if it's when a person loves you. Loves you so much that it's genuine, and honest, and true.

If it's possible for love to be where the two people feel secure in each other. Feel trusting and dependant on each other. To where they can shut the rest of the world out, even their family and friends.

If true love is like when one person is sitting in the shower, allowing the water to smooth their hair over the face, running hot and running steady. True love being that they don't lock the door, they don't shut the other person out. They aren't hiding.

True love when the other person comes inside, sees the person sitting down in the shower, and knowing that something isn't right. Feeling at one with one another. Feeling the same, in the name of the other. Not feeling angry, or offended, or personally attacked, as if taking on the responsibility of the person's unsettlement. Moreso feeling helpful and considerate and sweet and patient and adoring.

Is that what true love is? Being one half of another, and not being one whole with one whole?

Knowing that it is okay to be you, but to let them be them, and both be one together?

Knowing to be part of them, at all times, instead of as a possible target or as a possible offender.


I wonder if anyone knows what I'm asking, or what I'm saying, or what I'm proposing.

(I didn't even realize what true love was, if this is what it is, until just now, as I saw it in a movie. This is what true love seems to be, to me. And, while I obviously have my problems and my past and my present, there's one person that I see this situation happening with when it comes to me. I'm nore sure if that means anything, seeing as I'm mostly unstable in this area, but I find the scenario and meaning intriguing, nonetheless.)