Come downstairs and say hello.

I am a Christian.


And I feel weird saying that right now.

Because, Reality3.


I feel like a lot of things have gone out the window.

I may've mentioned this via blog before, about how I feel like I'm writing my own history? How I feel like there's only this moment, right now, just this? Because that's exactly how I'm feeling these days, and it's allowing me to breath easier. A lot easier.

I feel like "fate" and "destiny" are fake-outs. Which, leaves God's Plan in the throw of automatic assumptions of the same 'fate' as those, so to speak.

Which.. makes me technically deciding that The Plan isn't really real, and that means the Bible must not be real (which I've wondered before, in terms of good writers knowing how to pull at the heartstrings of readers, and being really good at writing). But if I'm not believing in anything past right this moment, and just hopefully assuming there'll be the very next moment after this, then I have to say that I don't believe in fate, therefore The Plan, therefore the Bible.

Thus, what do I believe? What is there for me to know to believe? If the Bible isn't so, then how should I know anything about God, or how we (as in everything) got here, and why we're here, and why things are as they are, why things happen, and what will happen to us when we arent' here any longer? So, am I a Christian? Am I just a struggling Christian? A tested Christian?

Am I anything?


Do I believe so much in my own perception and occassional bouts of enlightenment to the point that I'd be better to search in terms of an enlightenment belief? Or do I place my faith in God, and assume He's giving me what I think I give myself?





Does my questioning, or lack of everything, make me a nothing?

I don't know what I think now. And it isn't that I'm turning my back on God, because I don't feel hatred or disbelief, really, or anger, or super-confusion. I just feel like things go one at a time. Things, moment, breaths, things. But why? Why do they? Where will I be when I die? Who do I trust? Does trust have to even exist? Just assume that there's nothing to hide, nothing to keep, just go on going on. I could easily do that right now. But ...where will I go when I die? I can't seem to easily believe that I'm a flame and once I die, I just go out. Just ..nothing. I can't seem to believe that. So what then?