Decision made. 9:27a, 2/25/10.

You know, ..I thought I was being provided signs before.

But.. I think..


Well, I think I think that my maturity-levels and the wisdom and knowledge I'd've gained from these twenty or so years, are supposed to help advance me, instead of keep me idle in the one position.

I think that with what I know, and what I've learned, and what I've realized, and so on, that ..the "signs" I've been recieving, even lately, are what I'm supposed to look into, and then through. For my betterment. For my lesser niaveness.

And, ..of course, I was looking at it, and taking it and running with it. You know. Instead.


Because that's just how I am. That's just "my personality." Well... Ha

I think.. That some brighter, more vibrant signs have just come into focus.


And, yeah, I'm somewhat being sought after by someone that I don't exactly mind being sought by, and maybe one or two others.. And yeah, that could technically be taken into consideration (but, just as before, it would be a mistake to include this sort of subject into the decision-making process, just as before, just as always) (thus, it wasn't, and isn't), but not this time. It's a warmer feeling though. And I could really use a warmer feeling.

But. Other things. Like.. the good things I have. I have some situations that are ..well, technically.. really great. Really convenient, really perfect (even though I allow myself to, a lot of times, feel like it's not, because I'm too tired, too irritated, too unhappy, too stationary). Not just the situations, but some factors that were pushing me in the opposite direction, are seemingly pulling me here, too.

I've read a lot of articles lately (I have no idea how they're getting sent to my email, but I'm rolling with it), about how 'settling' isn't really settling. It's accepting. And it's the best thing any of us could do really. And it's true.


I'm not really 'settling' by staying here. I'm accepting my lot in life at this point. I'm working. I'm going to school. I'm living, and paying for it. I'm where I am. This is where I'm at.

I don't have many friends here, and I don't feel so exotic. But, I do have very great people in my life. And I have enough jobs to hand out to homeless people, and still be okay myself. I am in an okay-spot, for my age. I didn't fail yet, because I haven't truly tried anything.


I think, it's time to calm down. Shoot the anxiety a pill, or something.


Be a big kid now. Now isn't forever. Granted, forever isn't promised.
That doesn't make now any the less nice.


_x___

I feel found-out.

Who is your true self: You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
Your view on yourself:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :You are intelligent
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Honest
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Sweet
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :You are friendly to everybody
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Don't like conflict
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Because you're so cheerful
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Fun people are naturally attracted to you
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Like to talk to you
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :You like serious
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Smart
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Determined people
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :You don't judge a book by its cover
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :So good-looking people aren't necessarily your style
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that pe
The seriousness of your love:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :You are very serious about relationships
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :If you meet the right person
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :You will fall deeply
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Beautifully in love
Your views on education:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Education is very important in life
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :You want to study hard
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Learn as much as you can
The right job for you:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of t
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :You need to choose something
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Go for it to be happy
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Achieve success
How do you view success:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :You are afraid of failure
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you d
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous
What are you most afraid of:
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :You are concerned about your image
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ :Not what you wear

^.^

This is it. I'm this. If anything changes, it'll be my hairstyle, my clothes, my location, my social circle. Everyhing else is here. Right here. And this is it. It's time to get past my social anxiety, and move forward. Replace the fear, and make the world my playground. Once and for all.

Thoughts for food. (I eat my thoughts. Very filling. Nom nom)

I wonder how many people would look at me,

and how often,

if I DIDN'T have tattoos.

-x--

Whatever happens, happens.

Nothing's as big of a deal as it seems in the moment.

Hardly anything outside of marriage, death, and births are a crisis.

The goal is to smile; it'll leave you happier.

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

A person's a person. Doesn't matter how much they've accomplished, how little they've amounted to. Forever

Of course, I had to pay for my day yesterday somehow.

Woke up at 5:30a, with a fever blister. Sigh.
It's okay though. I mean. It sucks, but that's a small payment for the greatest day that I ever had, yesterday.


Let's see.

My tax return came in yesterday (and is sitting pretty in my bank).

I also got a paycheck yesterday, that is twice as big as any I've had all 2010. (Which, is great, mostly because it's very hard to get small checks when I depend on making more than minimum.)

I got my car insurance started. :)

I went to the hospital, and my grandma's procedure was rescheduled.

I got taken to lunch (Hacienda), where the lunch special was a Seafood Enchilada! (seafood<3)

I then went and got myself a pedicure (for my poor feet), and walked out with a mani, as well.

I stopped by Kohl's in search of something, but they were sold out (which I didn't need that something anyway), and ended up playing around in the make-up department. Walked out with bright, big eyes, and pink cheeks, and pinker lips. (And.. a bag of new lipstick, and 3 new eyeshadows.)

I walked to Petsmart, and played with the kittens for a while, and they were having some sort of puppy day, too, so I got to pet puppies!

Then I went to the mall, and stopped in at the salon, for my boss's birthday party, and got to eat potato soup (potatoes are my favorite veggie), and carmel apples (my favoriteee!), and brownies!

I got my massage, which I say "12" and end up with 30. ^.^

Then I picked up my other check, and got more than what I thought, too!

I went back out to my car (my new convertible, btw), and decided to go tanning before heading home. Just to, you know, top off the day.

I get there, and they said I can tan in ANY level bed for FREE. So I get in a stand-up, level 3. Fuck yeah, dude! I danced the whole 15 minutes. It was fun!

Then I went home, and watched a good movie, then half of two shitty movies, and ate Fruity Pebbles w my sister.

Then went to bed, :)

..And woke up with a fever-blister.
But like I said, it's only fair. No one really has good days like that anymore, and giving up my regular lips for a swollen one, and a normal one.. well, that's getting off easy to me, I'd honestly say.



I even had the whole day off yesterday.

OH, and the surgery was rescheduled to Monday at 12. I work from 7a-1p, then 5p-9p, BUT I talked to my boss, and she said I could get off at 11:30, to be there. So, double FUCK YEAH!

Unamused.

Dreams are beginning to be cruel.


And I do not support that.


..The bastards. >:(

Doing a great job, 2010. Keep it up, yo!

Greatest feeling ever?:


Feeling like I'm going somewhere, finally.

A new car. (That new car being a 2000!) ((I never would've thought I'd have that new of a car, until I become a millionaire.)) (AND that new car being my DREAM car, no JOKE!((a gold convertible!)))

Freshly-shaved legs. ^.^

Having started my day with a free Grand Slam at Denny's, IN my footie pjs, with my siblings, IN the snow!

Short, careless hair! :)

Probable cash for my junked car.

Knowing I'm going to be something great, within a year from the 12th. :D

Having personal rules, thanks to two wise people, and their advice/guidance.

My apartment's specific decor/idea's follow-through'd. :)

Looking forward to visiting Texas, to reunite with my girlfraan, sometime!

Looking forward to visiting Florida, to reunite with my beloved beach, and possibly my friend (sometime, Joe's?).

Feeling great about 2010, once again.

Knowing this is the start of adulthood, in the real life biz. If you only knew...



THIS is the greatest feeling ever. And it's not even my birthday. And I didn't even have spaghetti today.

(...Granted, I did have Truffle Blizzard ice cream. Nom nom nom nom.) ^.^

< 3

I got a new car. I'm buying it today, picking it up tomorrow.

:D

fuck YEAH.



http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30021384&id=1161780128#!/photo.php?pid=30601496&id=1161780128

Aha.

Worry lines.

Broken hope.

Down-to-earth positivity.

Work, work, working.

Routine.

Lack of energy.

Some sleep.


So. This is what it's like. Life, . From now on.
Grown up world.

S= l

Well. That explains that, now doesn't it?

__

Words from the temporary wise.

Life is hard. Even when you're in the moment. Maybe sometimes, even moreso when you're just in the moment.





And sometimes, pretending to yourself to be a badass, is just as effective as actually being a badass.

____

I had a dream.

I had a dream last night.


I was working in the mall. In the salon. As the receptionist, but also as this older lady's assistant, every time she'd come in to get her hair done. It was almost like I was her babysitter, too. She'd sit for hours, after her hair was finished, and I had to run her errands and take care of her, and the desk at the same time. Maybe that was counted as two separate jobs.

And I was working in another store in the mall, too, --a video store. I needed to work as much as possible (much like I do now), and I'd run back and forth between them.


This particular day, I was in the salon, my lady came in. She sat down in the back, ready to have her hair done. I remember running out to do a few things in the mall for her, and Carrie was doing her hair. She trusted Carrie with herself, so it was all good that I was MIA to do her errands for a little while.

I came back, got the desk straightened back out, went back to check on her, and she was saying something as the phone began to ring. I asked her to hold that thought, and I jet to answer the telephone. It was the video store, pleading for me to come back to help real quick. They were swamped, I took it. I ran back to my lady, asked her if she needed anything, told her I'd be in the video store for a minute to help (she put on a look of disgust), and then she said she felt kind of hungry, so grab her a burger. She didn't give me any money to get her a hamburger, :( (..Which meant, of course, that I'd be having to buy her damn fucking hamburger.) The more she talked about the hamburger, the more hungry she talked herself into being. I could tell that on the spot. I jet off to the video store.

I walked in, and started bagging everyone's rented DVDs, and sent them out the door as quickly as possible. It was a long line. Multiple long lines. Ha. Awesome.

By the time I got out of there, and had the lines majorly cut down, I ran into the mall again, and it was probably 5 'til closing! I was thinking "oh, shit!" because of the close-down stuff I'd still have to get done in the salon. Then I thought about the hamburger I was supposed to get my lady. They weren't making any more food. I begged them to make a hamburger, they could tell I really needed it, --probably because I would've cried if they hadn't. I got it and RAN to the salon, and walked calmly to my lady and asked her if she was still hungry (half-hoping Carrie'd had my back and grabbed her food for me, half-hoping she'd just be happy I had her stupid burger). She was pouting, and shittily say "No."

I sat her burger down, in front of her and walked to my desk. Carrie walked her to the waiting area, so she was staring at me while I closed. She wouldn't speak to me, just scowled the whole time. I went back to the station and brought the hamburger back to her, and tried to explain that I work three jobs, and all I can ever do is just try, and she just looked right through me, like I never spoke. I asked her if I could do anything else for her, and she ignored me still.


Her husband and daughter came in, to get her. They three started looking around, and then her husband plopped this HUGE suitcase on my counter, to show his wife how "awesome?" it was? He was trying to impress her, and she didn't really give a shit, but she interacted with him (probably just to show me that she was purposely just being an asshole to me, and only me). They looked at blowdryers right in front of my desk and I'd just shut the registers down.

Carrie started muttering to herself about how she was irritated that the lady had got her hair cut shorter than she should've. She'd've looked better with a little bit longer hair. I took it all in really fast, and just exploded, as result. My lady wanted to pay for a blowdryer.

I told her I was sorry, that I'd just shut down the registers (which, led her to think I was even more of a fuck-up), and then I got real shitty with Carrie (taking up for my lady), saying how she is more than capable of making her own damn decisions, and if she wants her hair short, cut it short. Don't argue or try to tell her how wrong she is. She's the client, first of all, and she's rich, secondly, and she's an adult. Whatever she says goes. PERIOD. So stop acting like a five year old, and get over yourself. Carrie looked up from filing her nails, and just stared at me, shocked.

I asked my lady and her family if I could show them to another register out in the store, and they said no, and put the dryer down. And ignored the fact that I just took up for the lady to Carrie. (Had talked to each other about the dryer and registers and suitcase, all through my huge explosion, and hadn't stopped to notice or care.)

So whatever. FML.
I can't do it all. I can't work three jobs and take care of everyone's "feelings" at the same time.
So sue me.

Fuck it.

0.0

So this is what it's like.


__