I'm totally "in it" right now.

I just had a big day.

Got up at 4am to take a shower and do my hair.

Went to work, got off work at 12:30 (overtime! :D,
ran over to the movies to get my check, then
headed to my interview (to which I would've been hired if I'd quit my other job),
went to the bank...
Bought myself an ice cream, to make up for my disappointment towards the interview,
got gas! Filled my tank up! :) :) :)
Went home, took an hour nap...
Got up, went to work, got off around 11:20ish.

And I took Harley out, then this stranger guy came and picked me up, and I went w him on his motorcycle. I went around 11:40, and just got back (1:43).

I'm so tired. My eyes are really red, like I just smoked the best pot ever.


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Yeah, so I went on a bike in the middle of the night w a strange guy who I didn't even know, or know what he looked like. Yeah. He's friends w me on facebook, and has talked w me before. But I went. Why? Because I had a weird, fucked day. I needed relief. I didn't get hit by a train on the way home, so why not go w a stranger? At least I'd be on a motorcycle. Even if I did get into a wreck or get kidnapped or something. At least I'd been on a motorcycle.

---------

So, I was thinking.

It's so hard to give up something that you love.
It's so hard for me to give up something that I love.

I deal w losing things by not being around them ever, not thinking about them, not hearing about them, not coming in contact w anything that will remind me of them.

This was the case for the beach, after the Florida disappointment. This was the case for Dakota after the New Years big hurrah. This was the case for Ladawn after wtf happens. Etc etc.

What I realized tonight, is that sometimes, I have to let go. I don't have to push things away necessarily, but I have to stop grasping to things so tightly.

I miss Valerie. I do. I missed her a lot soon after the fall-out, and I felt numb to it in the in-between time, but it's because I dealt w it as I explained above. Recently, I have missed her a lot. Maybe more than when I first missed her. So I got ahold of her. And talked to her. Tried to explain my new methods and thoughts and feelings and all. She responded as she'd always responded, and was nice and said we should hang out, but.. it wasn't right. For some reason, it just didn't feel right. It made me feel weird for not thinking it was okay, and then I felt bad for having texted her just to leave her empty-handed, but I guess I realized it then too: you just have to let go sometimes.

I miss Dakota a lot. :( I think about him more than I want to, believe me. I talk about him more than I want to. It's always "what's your life about, Tab?" and I'm all "movies, travelling, fucking shit up, Dakota-- I have a new nephew!" :l

It sucks. It really blows, actually. I always think of what he'd say, or what he'd said in relation to whatever I'm dealing with, or who, or what I'm doing. On the way to my interview, I heard in my head "you've got this." And I responded with "yeah fuckin' right." Sarcastically, obviously. But it sucks.

He's doing really great though. According to his blog, in which I stalk. Which, makes me strange. Um.


Yeah, though.

I also realized that, hey, he's right.
I need to find myself. I took so much offense to that before, when he'd say it. I was pissy because I know my personality, I know what I'm working with when it comes to myself, and I know how I function and how I think. I thought he was insulting that. But, even if that is what he meant, that's still solid. I have found that I can be happy. I just have to tune myself down a little more.

For instance:

-I have an attention issue. I need it, I crave it, I beg for it, and I get it. Or I get mopey until I get it, or get shitty and then isolate myself and THEN I get it when I get back to the real world. It's a cycle. And it's fucking vicious.

I know that I could delete my facebook. I know that it wouldn't be the end of the world, especially since I don't have my own computer even.
I also know that I could get my texting removed from my plan. I only really texted facebook and Dakota like crazy, so it wouldn't be an enormous loss.

But... I cling to it for security. I'll explain later on.

-I have a superiority complex. For whatever reason, I think that I'm incredible. I think that I am incredible, and no one sees it but me, and no one can acknowledge just how great I am, in the ways that I personally know myself to be so great. That being said, I still put myself before others, because I know I'm not a huge loss to the world. I could do something, I am someone, I can do stuff that not everyone can do or will do. Thus, I am first. I take care of me, I look out for me, I strive for me, and I talk to you for me.

It's true.
But, I value what you have to say. I believe some of you (mostly when what you say is half-and-half: half- down to earth, half- sweet and endearing), and I don't believe a lot of you (usually when you say shit that is super nice, or cliche, or if whatever you're saying sounds like something you think I want to hear). But I listen, and I ask. I believe in you, but I really seem to believe that I believe in you, more than you could believe in yourself. Or that anyone else could believe in you. That me having that faith in you, is going to be what makes the difference.

Again, I don't know why I think like this. It'd be interesting to find out, ha.

-I find it difficult to deal with change. This is true, and so I take control of it. I plan things out, I plan out my life, my jobs, my kids, my husbands, my rules, my big life-happenings. I make things happen in my head, then jump to make it happen out loud, and that's when the spontaneity comes about. I just do whatever I think. If it's a good idea to me, I'll plan it out real fast- make it doable, and do it. Jump. It's what I do. I do it before something does me. Feel me?

I could just ..not. I could not talk about my thoughts and ideas. I could just not act on what I want (even though, when I come up w an idea or theory, once my brain has been adjusted to that, I have the ability to make myself feel literally sick if I don't do anything about my current situation) (<= sucks, but it's true). I could just breathe, every day, just breathe. Just concentrate on breathing. And after a while, see what's happened.



I dunno, dude. I have a lot to say, but I'm getting hungry because I've been up so long, and I'm so tired, my eyelids are swollen and heavier, and my fingers are hurting just from typing and stretching to type. I'm so tired, so hungry, so sleepy, so exasperated, so anxious but relaxed weirdly, so sad, and so content. I just don't know what to say or do, really. I just want to relax. I just want to calm down, and this be this and that be that. My brain is what sucks really. It just keeps going and going. Goes in circles, goes in patterns, goes in random directions, creating new paths. I don't know what to do to make it stop. To make it chill, so I can chill. Pot's all that I know of so far.

Um.

I.

Well. I just don't know.



Buhbye.