I just cried.

I just don't know, man. I just don't.


I read her blog.
Two pages of entries.


At first, I felt sick.

And then I felt really excited. Because, I know her. And I can imagine her feeling the way she's talking.

I feel sick right now, again.


But, this situation is really really hard to deal with. For me.
Obviously just me.


....

I have done well, I thought. Like, ...I confronted him, face-to-face style. I told him exactly how I FELT (which, if you know me, then you know that I'm not good in the "feelings" department), and what I thought. I thought I was brave. I was proud of myself for being so bold.

I went on to tell him the plan. The Plan. And then continued to try to fight for him.


Yeah. Life is. And yeah, I messed up. And yeah, Dakota's a great guy. A great person. And yeah, Katherine was my best friend. And yeah, we stopped being friends. And yeah, ..I don't know.


It's no longer a winner-loser situation, I really believe. I feel like.. it's a life situation now.

(I don't know if I will be able to fully explain what I mean by that, but I'll give it a go.)

I had the opportunity, and I wasn't ready. I thought I was ready a few times, but I wasn't. I moved back home. I got caught up again and again, I got cold-feet more than a few times. I wasn't ready. I made a plan. Which ultimately leads to me not having been ready, but trying to prepare myself for being ready.

Shit happens. Life happens.

Katherine and Dakota. They ..happened. It just is what it is.

I mean.. It isn't my FAULT because really, ..I wasn't ready.

Yeah, I can go and think that she slipped in while I was MIA during those few months of awful I was going through, after our fight. Well, his fight towards me.

But, he said what he felt, what he thought. He was angry, upset. He couldn't know how I felt because he wasn't here, and I wasn't there. I couldnt' know how he felt because I wasn't there and he wasn't here. It happened.



I'm glad he had someone to talk to, I mean, I guess. I was sad to hear (probably more jealous than sad) that Katherine and Dakota were talking during that time. It hurt me that he'd hurt me, and that my friend was talking to him, sometimes even about me. Technically (as I saw it) behind my back. That she'd be so friendly to someone close to me that hurt me so harshly.

Sigh.


This all has happened.

That's what it all comes down to.


I'm crying, and I'm not sure if it's because I don't know what to do, how to breathe correctly, what to say, how to go on, where to turn, how to feel, or anything. I just don't know.


I didn't react badly when she said mean things to me on his facebook status. I didn't. Because I said it like it was/is: "It's not about you, Katherine."

It wasn't about her. I promise with my whole heart, it had nothing to do with her.


I didn't talk about her to Dakota. I didn't say dirty little things to him, to try to sway him to Team Tab. No. Because, well, ..frankly, I have more class than that. I don't have to stoop that low. I just don't, and I know that. And she didn't have to either. Sometimes, it's easier to get caught up though, and just say things, because that's what happens. It's what happens in this world, with everyone around us, it's just what happens. She may not have even meaned some of that. Or any of it, for all I really know. She was hurt, I'm sure, and maybe scared because of what action I took.

It's hard, sometimes, to remember to put yourself in another's shoes for just a moment even, to relate, to feel for that person, to feel what you're doing to that person. Even remembering that people are just people, can be hard. It's hard for me. I struggle nearly every second with that.

Anyway. She was threatened. I threatened her happiness with Dakota, by telling Dakota what I told him.

I knew she'd be upset about it, but I had to tell him anyway. I figured I was justified since she was my friend and he was mine all the time, that since she was able to just .."break the friendship rules" that all was fair in love in war. And it's true. All is fair in love and war.



Um.

I was too late. Is what it may or may not have come down to.

The main point is that, Katherine and Dakota are now dating. Now, this could've taken place in high school and I probably would not feel the same pain that I am feeling now.

Katherine and Dakota are dating.


Yeah.

I'm pretty sure they had sex. Which, I can gather from her blog.
Which.. I was most threatened by.


So. Fuck me.

Haha.

But, okay.

So. Yeah.


Anyway, deep breath.


Katherine and Dakota are dating.


Dakota is a great guy. Katherine's a great girl.

I'm finding out a lot about my insides. Like, I'm not one to pick out matches. If I ever had that talent, it's left me high and dry. Probably some time ago, really.



Dakota deserves someone that can love him, and baby him, and be sweet to him, and talk to him when they're upset, and cuddle with, and be romantic with.

Katherine deserves someone that can love her for her, not for who she sometimes TRIES to be, and who will talk and listen with her, and who has the ability to be sweet and caring to her, and who can role play. (I'm sure he could if he put his mind to it.)



I don't know, man. I just don't.

I'm worse off than what I thought. But also, I'm better off than I thought.



I feel like a wounded bird a lot.

More often than I blog about sometimes, even.

Makes me feel pathetic and worthless. But I'm not necessarily pathetic or worthless.
I'm just.. I don't know. I just need some work. Some fine-tuning, maybe.

I know that it's all going to be okay, legitimately.

I know that everyone's going to be okay, and everyone's going to have troubles and happinesses, and then we're all going to die.



I know that many many things that hurt now, that stress me out now, that make me angry, or lead me to feeling betrayed, ..I know that those things will fade or get better. I know that in ten years, most things aren't even going to matter at that point. That the "big" things now are just going to sail on by. Sail on by.

I'm hurt. I am.
I'm scared. I am really scared.

I was upset (to put it lightly) that Katherine began talking seriously to Dakota. Even though we weren't friends at the moment.
We always fade in and out of each other's lives though. We float.
Friends don't do that to friends. Friends just don't.


I was upset.

I blamed her, and tried to protect him from myself. From the hateful, harmful thoughts I was having. I shielded him and put her in the spotlight.



I just wanted someone to hear me. To realize what's right and wrong, morally. I wanted to be told that I was right. That I wasn't in the wrong. That I was brave. That I was worth being proud of. I just wanted to be helped.


It isn't anyone's fault. It's life. Life just is.

Dakota and Katherine are dating.


All we can really do is be ourselves. Try to help ourselves find comfort in who we are, and try to help people find their way, too. All we can really do is be us, and let someone be apart of that. A part of that greatness that we all are.

I don't exactly know how to do it yet. I don't know how to be a girlfriend. Or a good girlfriend. Or a good friend. Or a best friend. Not anymore. I used to, I can and will honestly swear.

But that's all.



Day after day. Day by day. Day to day.
This is all we have.

This is all any of us have.


Who can say what's right for anyone beyond ourselves? And even for ourselves sometimes?

Why can I be so wounded when they're just living? Playing out their days as they should? Being as happy as they can be, while they can be? While the moments present themselves?




I'm not the boss.

I'm not in charge.

I've fallen.


It's going to all be okay.

I'm going to live. I'm going to live every day until I'm done.

I won't be done until I die.



She will always be a friend of mine. I know her. I wouldn't hurt her (other than hit her, like I've told my family, which .. I wouldn't hit her. Not really), I wouldn't talk about her, I wouldn't say things about her to make myself feel better, to make her look bad, to skew the situation, to harm her name, her reputation.

I'm sad, I was hurt, I was upset.

I'm sad. I cannot claim this to be the foundation of my sadness, because truth be told: woe is me.

I'm working on it. One day, soon or far away, I'm going to run into someone who's going to be there to help me work on it. To help work out my kinks. To sit me up straight, and reteach me how to walk, how to breath, how to function.



It's nobody's fault.

Feelings. Thoughts. Actions. Emotions. Responses.
DO NOT HAVE TO =
Backstabbing. Vengence. Hatred. Jealousy.

They just are what they are. Complexity fucks up everything. And society promotes it. Our peers surrender, and we surrender. We do as we see, as we hear, and we know.

We forget to think on our own, to do as we would. To feel ourselves. To believe ourselves. To listen to each other. To believe in each other, in the good of one another. We are all good.

We are all good.

We forget to believe each other.

We forget to listen. We forget to care.