Regret.

I regret having gotten lazy:

When it comes to school, and my future... Like, having stopped being on the ball when it comes to homework. I regret not having been more motivated, and serious, about my senior year of high school, and my college preparation (and having let my disappointments in friendships and reputation get me down). I regret having let other things get in the way of my education, and my plans for the future. Like, allowing mean and hateful comments and actions infect my passion.

When it comes to my family… Like, having stopped being an active member in my own family. I regret not helping making dinner, and not helping plan birthday parties and Christmas plans. I regret not taking better advantage of my living situations when I lived with both my mom, and then with my grandparents. I feel like I could have been there more, for everyone.

I could’ve listened to my mom when she talks about work and her boyfriends, and what drama she has to deal with, and how she responds so silly (in my opinion). I could have given her better advice, I know I could have. I’m good at giving advice. I’m good at avoiding drama (outside myself), and I could have helped her maybe, by at least giving her opinions at doing that, instead of just assuming that she likes it, and is kind of fueling herself off it.

I could’ve helped my brother with his homework, and taught him things that he didn’t know or understand. I could have talked with him about what he was being talked to about. Helped him with his handling of information that he may or may not have wanted to know—situations he may or may not have wanted to be any part of. I could have let him talk more to me, just to talk to someone. I could have spent more time with him, because I know what it feels like to be alone.

I could’ve allowed my sister to help me. I could have given her the opportunity to do something for me… It has been unfair of me to just hold her responsible for some things that are averagely considered to be the first of many mistakes. I’m not sure how long it would’ve taken me to drink alcohol or smoke pot, if I hadn’t done both when I was fourteen, but I’m not doubting that it would’ve happened anyway. Just because she didn’t stop me from doing it, doesn’t mean that she made me do anything. I may have let her be my role model, but why does anyone get to blame anyone else for living their life, despite pressure? Because that’s what it all has always been. Everyone putting pressure on each other to do the right thing, be the best anyone could ever imagine being, being successful, good, and impressive. She was a teenager herself, and drinking is an experience that the majority of us experience before due time, and her having a sister doesn’t cancel out her chance at experience. If anything, she was smart to go out there and do things, and not let outside influence affect her chance at living life.


TO BE CONTINUED...

BOOM.

I’m worried about me.

I need a job. I’m one hundred dollars short from what I need to have by the tenth of June. I’m not going to have it. Beyond that, I have bills to be paid by the end of the month as well. I really am trying to do everything within my power to make it back to Evansville for July 4th, to be present at the birth of my nephew. I’ve planned on that since the beginning, and it would crush me to have to give that up. I mean, CRUSH. I’d probably cry all damn day, at least.

I’m thankful that I have the rest of the money that I owe on the first of the month (being more than one hundred), and that I’ve been able to be okay this long. And that I have a little bit of gas in my car, and some food to eat. I’m lucky to have the smartest, sweetest, most honest and genuine brother I could ever imagine, and a sister that loves/hates me and that when she loves me, she really loves me, and when she hates me, she says things and then leaves me alone for awhile. I’m glad to have her back, and to have her advise me. Because, as it turns out, she’s got some good things to say to me, and some things to help me with, that I didn’t realize I need help with. Maybe I will just listen, and allow her to help me, allow her the chance to actually steer me in a good direction, a different direction than I would steer myself only to crash and burn as usual. Maybe I’ll end up in a sucky spot, but that wouldn’t be any worse than what I do on my own, so why not give her the opportunity to possibly help me? So I am.

I’m happy where I am. I’m happy dating Dakota, and with being myself and being how I am alone—with him. It’s fun. To be with someone and to be normal at the same time. And, I’m feeling lighter, knowing that I have my brother and my sister in my life. It took my distance to get this, but I’ve needed the both of them for a while now, and I’m feeling more positive just knowing I am allowed to love them both an extreme amount, and to feel an equal amount of love from them separately, as well. Dakota dedicated Cher’s If I Could Turn Back Time to me, lol. I think that’s cute. And appropriate. All I have to do, is remember to stay calm and carry on. To take life one day at a time, and keep upbeat and happy. I need to look at today, and reflect on the good times and positive events, and keep a feeling of everything ending up okay is inevitable.

I'm. Going to.

Q: What do you want?


A: I want to feel this calm for the rest of my life.
I want a job that I can depend on, and excel at, whilest making decent cash that can pay all of my bills, and allow me to have fun every once in a while, and visit the fam maybe twice or three times a year, for a few days.
I want to learn to play the piano, and take belly-dancing classes.
I want to finish and graduate from travel agent school, and get a good job in the travel industry (either as a flight attendant, or as a travel agent on the go, or office work with some travelling opportunities). And to feel like I accomplished something.
I want to feel secure in myself, and in my life, and my situations.
I want to be kind, and helpful, and impressive, and sweet, and smart, and pretty.
I want to just be. And to be happy with Dakota. (By that, I mean ..being able to control myself enough to relax and trust and believe. And, to be able to help him, and be here for him, and make him feel secure and happy.)
I want to breathe, and smile, and have a good time, and be productive, and feel light.


I'm going to!

Really?

Don't talk about me.


And, the worst thing I've ever heard was someone telling me that they wish I'd die.

And, I've heard it twice now, from two of the most important people in my life.



Thanks.

And, in case it isn't clear, I wish I'd die too. Most of the time.



So, cool.

I second your notion.



But, I'm not going to die yet.

SO. Fuck you.



And, if I hear that one more goddamn time, I'm going to do something drastic.

And, I'm not the self-harm kind of girl.

So watch your fucking backs. :)

I know what I have to do today.

-x---

I call this: Poetry

Tv, Tv, Tv, Tv,
What else could I ever see
Beyond your neverending blahs
And my hollow, bullshit has?



Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey there.
Hi.



Hi Hi HI Hi Hi Hi Hi Hi HI.

Vassup?

Kind of made me want to throw up.

I almost missed a bill. It would've been a 30 dollar charge if I wouldn't have gotten it paid today.

Thank god I realized I forgot that specific bill TODAY, and that the bank would put it through TODAY. Sheeshwiz.



And, my faggot bank charged me twice for my car payment in April, so I'm going to go take my receipt for when I physically paid for it, and the bill where it shows they took it from me.



I just want some goddamn spaghetti. I know that I'm a guest staying wherever I'm staying, and that I shouldn't eat anyone's food. But, I'm doing damn-well at NOT eating people's food. But I really want some fucking spaghetti.



Um.

I'm hungry.




And, I'm going to go pay some bills.
Instead.

So, adios.

Update.

Hi thar.

I've been sick for an entire week.
I had a sinus headache, that causes my sore, rough throat. Then my nose got stuffed up hardcore, and my ears are acting like they have cotton in there-- and my eyes suck.

A week.



I was just invited to my sister's babyshower.


I have two clear opportunities.
I have no idea what to do. But, it's okay. Because, they (things) tend to go how they go. There is no fate. There is no plan. This comforts me.





I fall in love with every place that I go. I have a boyfriend everywhere I've been.



What will make me happy right now?
What will keep me happy today, tomorrow? That's all, because that's all I can account for.

I can't think about the future anymore, because I need to be happy right now. I can't be this way anymore. I can't be so sad, so lost, so confused and by myself. I can't feel like there are no options. I have to stop it. I have to be and stay happy. Now. Starting yesterday.

So, what's it gonna take, Tab?

What is it going to take?.