BOOM.

I’m worried about me.

I need a job. I’m one hundred dollars short from what I need to have by the tenth of June. I’m not going to have it. Beyond that, I have bills to be paid by the end of the month as well. I really am trying to do everything within my power to make it back to Evansville for July 4th, to be present at the birth of my nephew. I’ve planned on that since the beginning, and it would crush me to have to give that up. I mean, CRUSH. I’d probably cry all damn day, at least.

I’m thankful that I have the rest of the money that I owe on the first of the month (being more than one hundred), and that I’ve been able to be okay this long. And that I have a little bit of gas in my car, and some food to eat. I’m lucky to have the smartest, sweetest, most honest and genuine brother I could ever imagine, and a sister that loves/hates me and that when she loves me, she really loves me, and when she hates me, she says things and then leaves me alone for awhile. I’m glad to have her back, and to have her advise me. Because, as it turns out, she’s got some good things to say to me, and some things to help me with, that I didn’t realize I need help with. Maybe I will just listen, and allow her to help me, allow her the chance to actually steer me in a good direction, a different direction than I would steer myself only to crash and burn as usual. Maybe I’ll end up in a sucky spot, but that wouldn’t be any worse than what I do on my own, so why not give her the opportunity to possibly help me? So I am.

I’m happy where I am. I’m happy dating Dakota, and with being myself and being how I am alone—with him. It’s fun. To be with someone and to be normal at the same time. And, I’m feeling lighter, knowing that I have my brother and my sister in my life. It took my distance to get this, but I’ve needed the both of them for a while now, and I’m feeling more positive just knowing I am allowed to love them both an extreme amount, and to feel an equal amount of love from them separately, as well. Dakota dedicated Cher’s If I Could Turn Back Time to me, lol. I think that’s cute. And appropriate. All I have to do, is remember to stay calm and carry on. To take life one day at a time, and keep upbeat and happy. I need to look at today, and reflect on the good times and positive events, and keep a feeling of everything ending up okay is inevitable.