Regret.

I regret having gotten lazy:

When it comes to school, and my future... Like, having stopped being on the ball when it comes to homework. I regret not having been more motivated, and serious, about my senior year of high school, and my college preparation (and having let my disappointments in friendships and reputation get me down). I regret having let other things get in the way of my education, and my plans for the future. Like, allowing mean and hateful comments and actions infect my passion.

When it comes to my family… Like, having stopped being an active member in my own family. I regret not helping making dinner, and not helping plan birthday parties and Christmas plans. I regret not taking better advantage of my living situations when I lived with both my mom, and then with my grandparents. I feel like I could have been there more, for everyone.

I could’ve listened to my mom when she talks about work and her boyfriends, and what drama she has to deal with, and how she responds so silly (in my opinion). I could have given her better advice, I know I could have. I’m good at giving advice. I’m good at avoiding drama (outside myself), and I could have helped her maybe, by at least giving her opinions at doing that, instead of just assuming that she likes it, and is kind of fueling herself off it.

I could’ve helped my brother with his homework, and taught him things that he didn’t know or understand. I could have talked with him about what he was being talked to about. Helped him with his handling of information that he may or may not have wanted to know—situations he may or may not have wanted to be any part of. I could have let him talk more to me, just to talk to someone. I could have spent more time with him, because I know what it feels like to be alone.

I could’ve allowed my sister to help me. I could have given her the opportunity to do something for me… It has been unfair of me to just hold her responsible for some things that are averagely considered to be the first of many mistakes. I’m not sure how long it would’ve taken me to drink alcohol or smoke pot, if I hadn’t done both when I was fourteen, but I’m not doubting that it would’ve happened anyway. Just because she didn’t stop me from doing it, doesn’t mean that she made me do anything. I may have let her be my role model, but why does anyone get to blame anyone else for living their life, despite pressure? Because that’s what it all has always been. Everyone putting pressure on each other to do the right thing, be the best anyone could ever imagine being, being successful, good, and impressive. She was a teenager herself, and drinking is an experience that the majority of us experience before due time, and her having a sister doesn’t cancel out her chance at experience. If anything, she was smart to go out there and do things, and not let outside influence affect her chance at living life.


TO BE CONTINUED...