_x___

Sometimes, I feel like what I'm saying is nothing. And I don't want to say anything any more, but I keep saying things, keep saying and keep on saying things things things things things. I keep saying nothing.

And nobody's hearing me.

And nobody can see me.

I can't even see myself. I don't want to see myself anymore. I'm not me. I'm not seeing me anymore. I'm just not seeing me. I can't see me.



I can be invisible.
I don't want to be invisible.
But I don't want to be warped. I don't see me, and you can't see me, and no one can read me, and no one hears me, and I keep on saying nothing. I keep on keep keep talking nothing. And it's nothing. I want to stop talking.

I wish I was beautiful, sometimes.

Sometimes, I wish I was beautiful.

Because I want to look pretty when I wear anything, and do my hair any sort of way.

I want more things to be effortless for me.


But, when I think about it longer than a minute, I know that I'm not really the 'beautiful' type.

I'm not calm and sweet.

I'm not soft-spoken and innocent.

I'm not exactly thoughtful and kind.


I'm pretty much destined to be "cute" forever, I guess.

Which sometimes bums me out. Because I want to be pretty so bad.

But, my personality is more of a 'cute' anyway.

I'm too goofy, and awkward, and funny, and weird to be beautiful or pretty.


Sometimes, though, I wish I wore light pink a lot, and had soft brown hair, and was my natural pale, and had rosy cheeks and big, pink lips, and was a little skinnier, a little taller, a little sweeter.

But, I'm not. I wear gray and black and white and yellow and red, and I have wild, intense hair, and I am different kinds of tan, with rosy cheeks and neutral lips, and I'm average weight and average heighted, and I'm goofy.


I'm just goofy. I'm just this way.
And I can't stop.

So, I get sad that I am not beautiful, and that I'm just cute.

But, I'd rather be cute than be ugly. And a bitch. And lame, and needy.
So, I guess I win anyway.

Dreamers never live.

Someday,

I'd like to have a clean, spacious home with a lot of white walls and black, sexy furniture and clear dishes and decor.

And, I'd like to have Kleenex Puffs in the living room, and I'd like to have a clear bowl of Hersey Kisses or Dove's on each in-table.

I'd also like to make Rice Krispie Treats, and those big things where it's Cool-Whip, then a layer of strawberries, blueberries, etc, then another layer of Cool-Whip, then another layer of berries, then Cool-Whip again. And I want to make them, with one ingredient at a time, so that the kitchen stays beautiful, white and clean, and it looks effortless as I do it.

And, I want to have candles burning almost constantly. Sugary candles, vanilla ones, holiday ones (like pumpkin, candy-cane, etc).

I want to have birthday parties for my children, for our families, at home, like in the backyard or something, with a trampoline and music, and food. And cake, of course. And, perhaps birthday slumberparties for their friends? With breakfast in the morning!?

I want to be organized, with my planner, with my working life, my family, my home. I want to feel secure and stable and content and more relaxed.

FUck off.

My mom's such a bitch.

She asked me if I talked to Dakota today,a nd I said no, he hasn't been on all day. Probably in class. She asked if that was bothering me, and I said probably, kind of. (Because I'm in a shitty mood right now.) And she asked if he was coming home yet or not, and I blew up and said that I didn't know, and that I just fucking don't know. She told me that maybe I should be mean enough to him that maybe he'll break up with me, because that's probably what I want. I said that I wasn't BEING mean to him, and she said well mayb eyou should just break up with him then.

I walked out of the room, and she said "you should go smoke a joint. You'd feel better, I'm sure" in a smirking tone.



Yeah. Yeah, I really really fucking would feel better.

Here's to you.

I
I can't promise you that I won't let you down
And I
I can't promise you that I will be the only one around
When your hope falls down
But we're young
Open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world
And love
This city breathes the plague of loving things more than their creators

I ran away
I could not take the burden of both me and you
It was too fast
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break
When it was a promise I could not make

But what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And now this land
Means less and less to me without you breathing through its trees
At every turn
The water runs away from me and the halo disappears
And the hole when you're not near

So what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

So hold on to what you believed in the light

Who's better at making you feel worthless, than yourself, and then your mother? No one. Maybe God if HE was real.

Follow-Up to "Vent."

I'm not even going to GO back and reread my "Vent" blog, because I've been to work since then, and I feel much differently, and I am not going to let myself be influenced by my past-self. Fuck naw.

SO.

I got called into work 2 hours early, happily.
And, Matt's going to let me borrow 40 bucks, so my mother won't be so mean about me borrowing the money from HER, and she can't hold it over my head.

(Sidenote: Harley just went into his bed, and brought out the floss-rope I'd put in there for him to play with last night, lol. Went in, got the rope, came out. Lols.)


Anyway.
I'm going to continue on this.
I'm going to wait, and be awarded my financial aid (cross my fingers), and I'm going to be a goddamn pre-nursing student. I'm going to.

And, I'd really really like to live somewhere different. Ha!




Um.
Yeah. I should be caught completely up, and be a little tiny bit more comfortable, financially, by mid-late July. Assuming I get at least 35 hours a week (like I have been), anyway, ha.


That theory makes me feel loads better.

I like Dakota.


The End.

Vent.

I broke down again today.

I'd truly love it if this never happened again.
I'm not *foolish* enough to think that it would happen that way.

I thought I'd be a nurse.
I guess I shouldn't try to be things that my body's incapable of handling.
Like, needles and blood being a big part of my career, when I faint involuntarily at the sight, and nearly the idea.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do right now. I was told to not worry about it yet, until I know a little more, ie: the financial aid situation.


I'm going to work a lot, like I'm already doing, and try to get the hell of out this house, first of all. And study really hard for my TA certificate still, since I keep slacking on that. Even though I keep letting it go, the idea of it hasn't changed w me. I still think and feel fondly. Maybe that means something. Like, that I should actually complete it.

I don't know how I'd be able to manage completing that while going to college while working.

Sometimes, I feel like my only real possibility for a career is to go to beauty school all over again.


Sometimes, I feel confident in that idea. Sometimes, I feel like puking.




I don't really know what to do. Sometimes, I wish I didn't have a goddamn car where I have to make payments monthly, and pay full-coverage car insurance.

Really though, I am in love with my car. I'd be so pissed at myself later, if I tried to sell it or something.

I want to get rid of my cell phone, because that's 70 dollars a month, but how would I talk to Dakota? And, emergencies. What if something happened to my grandma? I wouldn't expect anyone to actually come to my house and hope that I'm there, just to tell me what's going on.

My little bills: credit card: 15, NY cc: 25, school loans: 20. 60 dollars altogether, but I can't get rid of those bills until I'm making more than what I need just to get by. And that isn't possible right now. I'm working as much as I can, but I have to work at least 37 hours a week to make my bills.

Most of the time, I can't even afford to really add in that 100 dollars a month, for food and gas. I just wing that shit.



To do what I want to do, I need to make enough to save up a deposit for an apartment, and probably a pet deposit, considering. And an application fee. And maybe a Vectren deposit. That's a lot to be trying to save up for, when I'm barely making it anyway.

Especially since I want to be able to escape to see Dakota every once in a while for a few days.

And go to school, ish, maybe.


Like, there's no goddamn way.


It's hard trying to potty-train Harley. And he bites me and I've bled. But I love him, and I will NOT ever get rid of him. So I just have to cry instead.

Cry, cry cry cry, cry. Feels like I do that once a day.
Pathetic.


I want to join a gym too.
And learn to play piano.

Sometimes, these things seem like I deserve to be able to do it all, but sometimes, I feel like I couldn't handle trying to do all that anyway, and sometimes, I feel like I'm never going to be able to do all that at one time, ever.

I'm a pessimist. It isn't a secret.
This is just the way I've always been.
My sister would say that it's a second-born's trait, but I don't really know if I think it's so generic. My grandparents think it's a chemical imbalance.

Moments like this was what I thought my medicines were for.
To be my superhero, you know?
I guess that was a stupid assumption.

Seems like my medicine only works when I'm already in a good mood thanks to my own doing.
So what's the point?


Naps don't make me feel better. They just make me feel more sad and groggy and unhappy when I wake up. At the time, hiding beneath my covers, curling up, pretending to be protecting myself, ..sleep seems to be perfect. But when I wake up, I'm fucked x2.




I need drugs. I was trying to not do them, so I could get a good job.
This sucks though.
Totally sucks.
Really suck.
Sucks.
Fuck.

My goals.

I'm not even close to being perfect. I don't even care though. I don't even strive to be perfect anymore. I think what I strive for, is to be me- perfected. Which is different, but similar.

I don't feel as much pressure to be so me- perfected anymore though. Haven't for a while. And haven't for a while, under certain situations and influences. One of which is my family, another of which is my sister specifically, and my grandma specifically, and my boyfriend is another.

All I know right now, is that I want to just smile a little bit more. Release everything a little bit easier. I want to relax.

I am now a Pre-Nursing student, and I am working as much as I can right now, and I hope to get an apartment much sooner than later, and just live and study, and visit Florida sometimes, and enjoy my boyfriend, and enjoy my family.

My goals are now to: graduate from college, let my hair grow, allow Dakota to be there for me, and to be with me, to advance my life and my future's possibilities, go with the flow, and to someday, go to clown school. I want to get married, have children and live somewhere pleasant and pretty, someday, as well. Those are my goals.


Those are my goals.

I just spilled some of my heart out to my boyfriend, and he went idle in response.



Super.

Fuckin' bored as hell.

yo yo yo yo.

I love Colin Firth.


And, I think that maybe my family isn't what feels right to me, is because half my life is spent in the movies, and those families are different than mine. My family doesn't have respect for each other. We're comfortable around each other, to the point where judgement, hatefulness, teasing, and emotion comes way too easily.

It can make things awkward and uncomfortable.



Anyway. I also think that I can't change it. Maybe someday, if I ever go away again as an adult, I'll be able to visit for a short time every once in a while, and not give in to the overbearing "playfulness" of our family. Instead, I'll try to sustain the position of one person being a member of the movie-like family I'd hope mine to be. So. Boom.

Schwhatev.

To Anonymous [and to other likes Anonymous]:

I have no reason to go out of my way to explain this situation to you, but to end your criticism and to soften your harsh views, I'll go out on a limb--


I understand that you're aware of Katherine's side of the story, and my side of the story-- and I'm assuming that you aren't interested in knowing Dakota's side, but ..from the outside, that is understandable.. But, even knowing all three of our sides (as if that were the case), you can't really understand completely, unless you were completely involved. Which, as strange as it is, the three of US are hardly all completely involved in this.



From Katherine's:
I was her friend, I stopped being her friend, she liked Dakota, she dated Dakota, she hated me, she got dumped (sorry for putting it this way), she feels like shit, she hates me and she hates Dakota.

From mine:
She was my friend, he was my best friend, I loved him; I told her, Dakota was a dick and we had a fight, I stopped being her friend, Dakota and I made-up, she dated Dakota, I told Dakota that I loved him and tried to get him to pick me over her, she hated me, I told him he'd never be able to forget about me and I'd wait, he ended up picking me, she got dumped (again, sorry), she feels like shit, I'm living in Florida w Dakota, she hates me and she hates Dakota.

From Dakota's:
He was my best friend, he got fed up w me and told me off, stopped talking to me, started talking to Katherine, started talking to me again, dated Katherine, was given my ultimatum, picked Katherine (because he'd already picked Katherine), she hated me, he was told that he'd never forget me and that I'd wait, he ended up picking me because he couldn't forget me, he broke up with Katherine, told me I could move to Florida, I lived with him in Florida, she hate(s/d) him.



The point is, this was always in the cards.
Katherine knew it, because she was there through most-everything, but on my side of it all.
Everything's in the past now, and I hope she's doing okay with it all at this point.
Dakota and I are dating, and we're happy, and we like each other, and we're on the same page, and this is it, and this is how it's going to be.


I understand you boys saying that you don't want me to be mistreated or have my feelings hurt-- and moreso, I appreciate you looking out for me and my feelings. But, everyone gets in arguments, and everyone says harsh things that they explode with and don't always mean. People say things and agree to others' comments, to keep the peace, sometimes.

I'm not taking up for him when it comes to the times he hurt me. When he said bad things to me, and when they stabbed me deeper than a knife could've. He knows he hurt me. I've told him the side-effects his actions and words have had on me. It's not something that a 'sorry' can fix, and no one has a time-machine we can borrow, but this is life, and life sucks. But, to move on with life, I've recently realized, in a positive, onward-like way, we must forgive and do our best to put it out of our minds. The hurt, the betrayals, the harsh words, the anger, the lack of understanding. We just have to put them behind us..


It's like.. We have baggage (ie: a backpack that we carry with us at all times), and we're on a hike. We're all going somewhere different-- some of us have the same destination in mind, but there are so MANY destinations imaginable. Along the way, we meet a lot of people, so different, from different places, that have been through different things, and learned different lessons, and we can take the time to compare notes and bond, and when we depart, we can either hope that we someday meet again, or just accept that we won't need them anymore because our paths are drastically becoming more and more different.. Bad things happen-- obstacles and rain and running out of food, and things. We have to experience glitches in the plan we've made for ourself, but once we're going through it, and something good happens and changes it, or makes it better, or provides us with the solution to our problem, --that's when we have to decide what to do: are we going to carry those problems and troublesome memories on our shoulders as we continue to go on, or are we going to stick them in our backpack, where we can refer to them when we need to, later on? Either way, we can't stop on our path forever. We have to get up and get started again. Yeah, your path may change because you've encountered other options you didn't realize were possible for you, or we may've met people that we latch on to, and want to keep no matter what, ..but the point is, we have to get up and get started again. And, you have to do something with that problem. Carry it on your shoulders and hold that grudge, and go on but go slower and drag yourself along, or.. put that shit in your backpack! Sometimes, you'll feel so used to the baggage you carry along, that you forget your carrying that heavy bag, and you'll just get absorbed in what's going on present-time. Those are the moments we strive for, and revel in.

You've gotta take care of yourself, make your situation as good as possible. You've gotta keep going, you've gotta get there. I have too much on my shoulders. I had too much on my shoulders. I've put it in my backpack now. I can't keep dragging myself along. It's time to get up from my nap, and put the stress and worry and anxiety and troubles evenly distributed and pep myself up again, and allow myself to remember to forget, and just keep looking onward! You should too.

We can't just keep hating people. We can't just keep low forever. Sometime, we are going to get up and POP up! And realize that if a bird shits on your shoulder, hey- maybe it really IS good luck. And, know that if you keep falling and keep getting scars and bruises, you're just having character added, that's all. You're growing tougher's all. We should realize that our own goals are to be happy ourselves, and do for ourselves, and then take care of others, help when and where we can. But.. even though that's pretty true for most of us, I think we forget to do that for the people immediately surrounding us. Instead, we hate because of one decision or rash statement, and that isn't okay. We can't be vengeful, because that's just ..mean. Why can we try to hurt someone so intensely, when we're scared to death ourselves of being hurt? Why can we try to make others' lives bad, when we try so hard to keep our lives in check, or check plus? It's not okay.


I've let it go. I'm going to keep letting it go. I just want to love, and help, and be nice. I just want to let myself be loved.

I just want for you to be able to love, too.

Love love love love love love, and peace, and harmony. That's what it's all really needing to be about. We have to focus.



Just let it go, man.

All we're doing is trying.
All you're doing is trying.
I know. I really do know, okay? But let's just go. Because, you're getting exhausted, and I'm exhausted already, and we're all just needing to take a little break, take a breath, eat some chocolate, drink some coffee, get up and go on.

That's it.
Come on.

DON'T FORGET, TAB!

I don't want to forget this feeling.

I'm packed up, stuff's all in the car, I made cookies and cleaned his apartment one last time for this go, made his bed, wrote him a note, made him a couple mix cds..

I'm making my trip-home cds from my computer and his computer, haha, and I'm all ready to go!

I'm really excited to see my sister and my grandma and my pop, and Josh and Mom and introduce Harley to Evansville all over again. I'm excited to actually feel confident in my ability to get a job, ahha.

I miss Dakota already. Like, I can feel it inside, growing bigger and bigger. It's like a big air that's filling me up slowly and steadily. Like I'm going to pop real soon.

I'm so happy, and in such a great mood (for 2 days straight!), and obviously things can go better when I'm this way. Positive, you know. And I'm looking forward to the future!

My future in my home! And my future with my family! And my adventures to come! And my future with my friends! And my future with Dakota! And my future with travelling and my schooling! And my future with myself!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D


I'm happy, and I had the best day ever yesterday. :)
And I enjoy this.

And, I'll miss it.

But, I will be back, of course! And, I'll try very hard to bring Harley with me!


I am not going to feel like I'm leaving this behind, because I'm not! It's here, and will always be here. I'm just going towards something! And that isn't bad; that's great! I'm going TOWARDS something! Not running away, not leaving behind anything or anybody!

This isn't settling, really, this is.. fullfillment?

The best last day I could ever hope for.

-I saw two little Asian girls playing around the ocean today. I watched them for probably a half hour. They reminded me of me and my big sister, when we were smaller.

-I saw a man holding a (probably) 7 year old girl with a life-jacket. I'm sure it was his daughter. You can just tell those things. She was holding onto him for dear life, while he kept walking out into and through the waves. He wasn't even to his waist yet, but she was scared to death. I remember feeling that terrified when I was little. I let myself freak myself out. ..It made me think that maybe we need more trust. Then again, when an adult says to you "you trust me, right?" ..that's usually the time a freak accident happens and they drop you, or you both get eaten by a shark. But.. Still, it makes me think that there are always going to be things that seem so huge, and scary, and dramatic and intense, but when you look back on it all later, it's not a big deal.

-One of my top mmoments in life so far: Standing in the ocean, water thigh-high, fingers grazing the top of the water, and looking up to watch an airplane close to me. The size about the tip of my thumb. Airplane and ocean. Airplane while in the ocean. It was perfect.

-I have decided. I want to be buried fairly deep underneath the sand, in a glass coffin, whilest wearing a really pretty dress. But I want the glass to disengrate after a while, so that when it does, fish start eating my legs, and so many will swarm over to do so, that when my body floats up, or is come across, my legs are covered in what looks like scales--but are actually little fish overlapping each other, all trying to get a piece of me. Mermaid status. I have spoken.

-My favorite things: ocean foam, laying in the shallow part of the water, letting my hair sink through the sand.

-I found a tiny mermaid's tail. I showed Dakota. I couldn't believe how I didn't realize that mermaids were TINY things. I figured, for whatever reason, that they were my size at least. I saw the tail though, so I was wrong. This is me publicly announcing it.