ohfray.

I want a condo when I'm older. Along the beach.

I want an Eclipse convertible, as well. When I'm older.



I want to get married, and maybe have a child/children when I'm older, too.

Those are my dreams now.


There is no plan. Those are my dreams. This is what I have.



I'm good. How're you?

ONE. I really would like to have my sister back.

TWO. I wish I knew where my blank CDs were.

THREE. I can live day to day. I have for the past several days. I can do even better with it, if I try harder.

FOUR. I'm going to start going to church. Because I began then stopped, but I'm going to again.

FIVE. It's hard for me to get a grip, but I'm reaching so far, trying so hard. I'm a drifter, and I've been anchored, thus woe is me.

SIX. I fucking like my life better in my own little world, and will revert back as soon as I can find my way.

SEVEN. I honestly do not believe that I push people away from me always. I believe that I do not deserve to have to force people to care. I'd rather occupy my time.

EIGHT. I'm happy to say that my electric is back on, after a full day and a half of being off. God, it's so good to be home. Well, you know, with my things and Garffi.

NINE. I didn't like Where The Wild Things Are. I don't know why.

TEN. I have to remember that all I can do is try. Try and fail, try and succeed, try and remain. Trying is all I have. All that is worth doing. The hardest thing is trying. It's so ..so. Hard.

All I needed was someone to touch me, to remind me that I still exist.

O-k Update.

Alright, so.

I just watched Pan's Labryinth, and I cried at the end. Not sob-like or anything crazy like that, just a small cry.


Mark just told me that he was in the hospital the other day, and he might have cancer.


My sister isn't talking to me, the whole now/never again way.





But!

Goods news:

1. I have decorated and cleaned my house. And it looks awesome. Very cozy and sweet, and cute. I like it a lot. It feels more like me.

2. I've made a new friend, and have decided to reconnect w old friends. Like, my old good/great friends at the time. I mean, don't get me wrong: I realize that life goes on, change takes place, we all split into separate directions, but uhh. . .hey. Why not try? We can be friends again! We can rekindle our flames of friendship! We can bond like we did. We are all still connected to our roots, and somewhere along there, we connected the first time. I want to try. I have a broader view of humanity now. I'm more tolerant, and less judging. More appreciative.

3. I'm not really sure what made me think of this, or influence it or whatever, but uh, I need to start improving mysef again. I slipped somewhere along the way, and didn't even notice that that was what was happening. Stopped doing my make-up. Stopped making my hair look good. Just getting more and more depressed about that stuff, too. I need to stop! I need to do my make-up because I knew I had better days when I felt like I looked better.

4. Looking frumpy isn't helping me feel good at all. And I'm not sure why I started this phase of trying to show myself that I can pull the lazy-comfy look off, but uh, that was a completely unnecessary idea. I should not do that, because I look better when I try to dress cool. And when I dress for work, as opposed to my slacker days off style. And I look chunky or weird when I dress so down. And that makes me sad and wanna puke at the same time.

5. Okay, okay. So. I'm obsessive on the inside, sometimes. I definately feel insecure a lot of the time. Big news right? Um. Yeah, well, I need to stop it. Because I appreciate people for them, and I strongly believe that there is no reason to make anyone feel bad for how they look, because how they are is how they are, and there is nothing wrong w that. People should be how they are, and not worry about changing things like that. I seriously do believe this. And you know what? People are happy sometimes. And I want to be one of those people. I want to be happy, and not be like "omgsh, I hope I look okay like this" or "man, I bet I look completely shitty right now. this sucks" I don't want that stuff anymore! No one really cares what I look like. And if they do, they can go play in traffic, because I don't need to be so down about myself. I am what I am, I look how I look, and since my waist is the only fluxuation I can control, that's what I'll control. I won't worry about my other things that I have issues with, because so the fuck what? I enjoy food. I enjoy the things that I eat. It adds to my happy times in life. Why should I try to disguise it? I'm proud of my happinesses, and I shouldn't feel like I need to rid myself of the proof from those times. I'm gonig to get happier. I'm gonig to stop worrying about this. These things. These stupid, pointless, drag of thoughts. I don't want them anymore and I won't have them.


I'm going to do my make-up, and start wearing green, and do my hair, and have fun, and be friends w everyone, and smile a lot, and sing and dance in my house, and love everything again, and pray more, and make myself happy, and take it one step at a time, one day at a time, one issue at a time, one minute at a time. I'm too good at being me, to just let me slip away. I liked myself too much to let myself go. I gave a good fight, but it's time for my adrenaline to step in. Let's fucking DO this.

So I guess my favorite things to do include: slipping back into bed (no matter the time of day), eating until I feel like I'm going to throw up (about 7 huge meals per day), taking 45 minute long showers ending w straight hot water, and occassionally forgetting to lock my front door.


I'm not any more depressed than I have ever been. Not any more depressed than I've been these months.

I'm really glad that my birthday went well, for the entirety of the day.





To-Do List:
------------

-Take a trip
-Stop eating so much
-Start walking around again
-Buy lamps
-Invest in celery
-Write an official outline to my book
-Get Garffi declawed
-Get ahold of myself
-Worry about Gram
-Get my style back
-Change whatever needs to be changed
-I don't really know what to do

Doooo youuuu realizeee? That you haaaave the most ...beautiful face.

Gee, I'd love to stay up and chat, and all, but I'm totally feelin' a hot shower, and a good sleep before work.


I'm coloring my hair to my natural color.

I'm going to let my lips be the deep, weirdie-pink that they naturally are.


I'm going to suck it up and pay for last month's utilities and cable, even though that seriously was not the agreement.

I'm going in search of my God-given talents, and I'm preparing myself to take those and run. Take responsibility for the goods that I have, since I do pretty good w the bads.



We'll see how this go, where this takes me.

I want to read Twilight again.


I should really start my book.

Um. I feel comfortable w some things in my life right now. Some things I've figured out, I have to tell myself that they aren't "options" but that they are "permanents." I've realized that I can separate my permanents from everything else, especially my options.

Some permanents include: family members, Garffi, a place to live, a need for a vehicle, a job (seemingly the salon), etc. Options include: certain people (as sad as that sounds), certain jobs (cough-cough), location of residence (stupidly), future plans (also, stupidly), etc.



Changing some options to permanents is a serious change. I get so mad at some of my friends, and somehow, we come back to each other. The past few months, I've transferred some options to permanents, because of that.


Some things I was wondering.. Certain people feel like they are made for certain duties, certain people, certain things. This can be from talents that are made obvious, etc. Well.. well.


Anyway. We'll talk about this later.

Shower, and bed, and work time.

I'm not over.

You see, I feel trapped inside of me.


I can extend my attention to everything around me for a long while, but eventually, I boomarang right back to my insides.


I can't tell if I'm rare for this happening, or totally typical. I can't believe that it's typical because I don't see other people struggling w it like I do.

Maybe no one sees me struggling w it, though.



I think maybe that's part of the reason I can't settle down w things. Can't just decide on something, do it, and allow it to keep me satisfied for more than five to ten minutes.


That might not be a reason for it though.


I need the key. I need umm.. super-glue. Or ...handcuffs. To, you know, keep me and an idea together without any chance of escape.

I dunno.

I have to do something. Or I'm going to get fired sooner than later, for being a pissy employee.

Then I won't be able to pay for anything. Then I'll be really really screwed.


I need to do something before then. Which, today, feels closer than what would be ideal.

I don't like eating my feelings.

Um.

I forgot that why I am so bitter and why I do see it as troublesome that I'm the one w the ability to do all these things for so many different people is, because I never feel like it's enough, thanks to said person at the time.

I know how greatly it should be seen, and it just isn't. It's like, ..I don't know really, but I feel on my end like it's just been dismissed. Like a queen or king, take it, take a look at it, appear bored w it, then toss it aside and dismiss me. No "good job," no "man, thank you so much!" nope.

That's what's made me bitter, and irritated to be that person back then and even now.

(I might be the only one who understands the fact that I am the way I am ((bitter, etc)) due to past occurrances-- and not just one-timers, like repeat offenders, I'm talkin'. I learn from my mistakes.. Sometimes too much. Maybe this is one of those times when I should be able to let go, but reminders actually only remind me to stay strong to what I've learned and stop acting like a pussy and backing down for whatever reason.)




Reminds me to remember, so thank you.

OH MAN.

How could I ..do what I've done?

How could I.. turn my back on the one piece of security that I have?


How was I so blind? And blind before that?

Oh, man.


I needed it put to me like it was. I needed to hear the gentler side of it all.
The loving side, not just the "plan" part. Not just the "forgiving" part. I needed love. I needed to hear about His love for me.


"God's counting on us." THAT is what she said.

God ..is counting on us.


The whole thing about it is, ..I'm not supposed to be concerned about me. He has my back. I'm here to help others, to help protect, and provide support to others! I knew this, of course, but ..put the way it was put. That's ..why we're here.

To help each other. To help you. To help them.


"Give it to God." Okay. Dude, I will!! I'll give it all to God, because He's promising to take care of me. According to his plan, and no one else's. Not mine. Not my plan.

I'll give it to God, and I'll spread the love around. I will.


Today in the salon, a stylist was listening to me talk about things.. And, she said that I shouldn't be so bitter about being the "grounded one" in my family. That I shouldn't feel so irritated or angry or upset about being the one people count on, and look to for advice and support, or just an ear. ..That I should open my eyes, and realize how gifted I am, for being that person. For being that part of the family.

She was right. I knew it as soon as she said it. I just needed to hear it, I guess, because I was stuck on the one side of things. My side. And news flash, ..it's not ABOUT me.

I'm here for you! I'm here for all of you, and for anyone. I'm not a passive person, I'm not exactly a people-pleaser, or a sucker. I just know how to help sometimes. I know what you need to hear sometimes. I know what you're feeling sometimes.

I'm here for you. I'm going to be here for you, like He's here for me.


It is a gift, and I will acknowledge that from now on. I may need reminders, but I'm just like you, I get off track.


AND you know what? I am SO sorry for that note-post I made on Facebook. I was so out of line, I can't even begin to explain or try to make up some false excuse. I was so wrong. And ungrateful. And I should've been struck.

I had no right.

I tripped. Really hard. Fell, nearly on my face. 10/03/09 will be a date to remember.

I'll be here. He's here. He is here. ..And I couldn't be happier.

Bliggah blouw.

My head kind of hurts.

I haven't wore make-up in two days. Feels like forever.

My eyes are going to feel so heavy tomorrow, with all that eyeshadow and mascara.

Whew.


Nothing's on TV.

I'll be happy to have a busy weekend.

Like, you know.. work tomorrow, then hanging out w Katherine RIGHT AFTER! :D
Watch movies and play dress-up, then go to Rocky Horror. I've been starving myself for this day.

THEN go to sleep for a few hours, then work ten hours, then go to the drive-in w my fraans. :D In honor of my birth. :P

THEN sleep. Then uh, wake up to my birthday.

We'll see how that goes.
Ha

Around sixish, my fam's getting together to--hopefully--eat spaghetti in honor of me.

Um.

Then BAM, nodduh.

Good times. Yeah.

Ha.






...Anyway.
Wanna have a thumb war?