I am unhappy about my return to the weird.

Why am I getting weird? Why is this happening right now, of all times? (Not that now is a particularly bad time for this to happen, but still, why now?) What’s making me go in reverse, after all the progress I’ve made? What can I do to stop this fast-rewind?

I feel like I’m drowning, in almost every way.

Financially: I am drowning. I ..am drowning. I need another job. No one is really hiring. My tattoos are becoming more and more of a problem. I don’t really want to have a long needle injected into my wrist and/or neck multiple times, then have a doctor cut my skin off, only to have to wear thick, blinding-white gauze until it heals into a different color of skin, with a scar unbearably noticeable/hard to avoid when it comes to the eyes. I need money for August. After I pay this month’s bills, I will have nothing. Maybe five dollars to my name if I play my cards right. I’m scared that I won’t get a job in time. I’m scared that I won’t get more than just my bill money, if I do get hired. I’m scared that I will go to bad lengths of wrong to get money that I think I need to have.

Thoughts: I am drowning. I think about what I have to get done for the future, before I think about the day. I think about all of the things to do for the day, and make a schedule, and never have enough time to do it all. I think about how I am pushing myself backwards, constantly, with nothing there to stop me from doing it. I have, thank goodness, stopped expecting a person to stop me from being the way I am, stressing, thinking, worrying, plotting. I’ve realized, finally, that that isn’t how it works. No one even close to me could stop me from thinking the thoughts that I think, no way, no how. I think about pain that others are going through, how I could help them if I could, how I want to hug my mom because I know how she feels, but only a fraction of it, but I can’t because …we aren’t like that. I can’t hug my mom out of the blue, and tell her how I feel what she’s feeling, because she would get mad at me, or she would yell at me, or hurt me. I want to hug my grandma and tell her that I hope she never dies, or remind her how important she is to me, my sister, my mom, my pop. I want to babysit her when she takes her medicine, I want to take her on walks, I want to control her internal temperature so that she wouldn’t get so hot. I want to hug my sister, and just hug her for a long long time. I want to squeeze her pain out, her anxiety, her debt, her hardships, her issues, her friends, her instability. I want to hug Pop and tell him that we feel it, too, and when his world crashes, my world will crash right along side of it. I want him to know that I’m here, too, and that he has me as long as he wants me. I want to hug my brother, and make him feel like he matters, and help him with everything, everything. I want to hug my best friend, and tell her that I’ll always be here for her, as long as she lets me. I want to hug out her hurt, and her thoughts, and her struggles. I want to punch her in the face, and bring her back to reality, and reset her battery. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stop thinking about how I’m falling, I’m failing. I can’t stop.

My heart: I am drowning. I have to watch Garffi every single day, at least half of each day, waddle around, needing to go to the vet. I pass the litter box, and fall to my knees every single hour, to clean up her mess on the floor, because she has diarrhea and can’t make it into the box before going, sometimes. I know that I need to help her, and I can’t. And I can’t just dismiss it all, because I’m her mommy and I really feel like I’m suffering, knowing that she’s suffering, knowing that she can’t function properly. I have to treat her like an old person, cleaning up after her, keeping an eye on her, making sure she’s still doing okay, following her from time to time, to make sure that she’s not doing things that I don’t know about.

Future: I am drowning. I am nearly twenty years old, and I have just piles and piles of experience to sum it all up to. I have no plan. I have too many plans with nothing else. I have goals that will never be accomplished because factors coming from the sides are going to interfere in every little way, adding things that I don’t want, adding things to do that I don’t want to do, or don’t know how to do, adding obstacles that I don’t feel like tackling because I’m a direct-outcome wanter, not an indirectly guided to the outcome kind. I can’t find it. I can’t find what it is that drives me to continue, drives me to be who I am. I can’t find what I like doing so much that I would never be able to stop liking it. To find that something that I can take, excel at, then transform it, excel again, transform it, enhance it, breed it, make it mine forever. I can’t find it. I can’t find it, and I’m drowning, and I might not ever find it, or I might find it 2 seconds too late, or I might continue to make things up and do what I think I want, and keep fucking up, and keep failing, and keep losing everything all the time, or some things some of the time.
I want to drink lots of water, take walks on a daily basis, wear sweaters, smoke pot, play with Garffi, feed the ducks at the park on a regular basis, travel every month, write my books, have my books published, enjoy Christmas to the full extent, and after a couple of years, have a baby, if I’m financially stable.

Now. What the FUCK is the problem with that?

.....
The worst problem about this entire note is that.. This isn’t even how I really feel. I can’t even convey, through writing, through blogging, my insides and what is really happening inside of me, and all around me, right now.