I know that

One day, I'm going to kill myself.


I don't think it'll be in the next few years.

He was the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen.

I had a baby.



I was there to kiss his feet, and to let his fingers curl around my finger.

I was there to see him smiling at me, to see the shape of his eyes.

Welcome to Chicago, motherFUCKER

I love drugs.

Smoking drugs.


zannies are good too though.

Welcome to Chicago, motherFUCKER

I love drugs.

Smoking drugs.


zannies are good too though.

And the Bible didn't mention us, not even once.

I worked 13 hours yesterday, then hung out w Bobby and the boys. It was fun. I've missed them all, and it hit me last night. And, I couldn't stop laughing. It was pretty funny.. To me. LOL. It was genuine laughter, and laughing just made me laugh because it was so true of a laugh. Haha


Today, I'm going to work, because my schedule was altered, and *SURPRISE* I'm working today, instead of having the day off. Awesomeee. Shrug. It really doesn't matter to me. I mean, I was supposed to hang out w my brother (to squeeze him in some one-on-one time before I dipset forever ((lol)), and I was supposed to hang out w Bobby again, and hang out w Stephen, but uh, work, yaknow.


So, the new plan for today is: work, then probably hang out w Bobby and the guys again, then jet to Stephen's. Or, go talk w my brother. I dunno.

Stephen kind of has this thing where he can't CONFIRM any plans I try to make. (Yeah, if you're reading this, you know it's true.) :( So, I might not see him today either. Since people generally understand my level of busy, and put themselves in my planners, so I can count on that. But, uh, we'll see what goes down.


Anyway. This week and a half is travelling so fast and slow at the same time. ERGHHH. I feel like I don't have enough free spaces in my planner to put everyone in there, who needs to be in there, but at the same time, I'm like "can I stop working now, and gtfo out of here, please?" So, conflicted, as usual.



My sister hates me again.
My brother loves me again.
My grandma loves me again.
My grandpa loves me again.
My mom loves me again.
Stephen likes me.
Bobby.
Dakota loves/hates me.
Cody's sad that I'm leaving, because he loves me.
David loves me.
Lol.

I need a kitten, on the reals.

_x____tkm.

Why is it that no one listens to you, until you're dead?




That's cool though, 'cause I'm leaving behind my life when I die. You're just missing your chance at being a part of it. Or, you're just missing your chance at being a step towards my success. Or, you're just missing your chance at being especially noted in it.

No one'll ever know (after I'm dead, of course) that you were even involved with me.

al;sdkhf;aowehj :) :) :) :)

My gramma just said to me, that my mom never talks about me. So she doesn't really know what she knows.


I just did the: 0.0 face.




Like, 'why did you just say something that would make anyone feel like shit?' Lol.

I mean.. Anyone would feel bad. Even though I know I'm not my mom's favorite person, or kid, or anything, I mean, geez. PLEASE tell me that she doesn't talk about me. It's like I don't exist when I'm not around, lol. And, let me tell ya. I'm not around.

AND, I'm not going to be around.



*SWHOOSH!* (That was the sound of me disappearing off of my family tree. Out of sight, out of mind.) ;)




((Okay, I'm being a little dramatic about this. But, I'm tired. And, I still think it's not very considerate to say something so ..eh. I dunno. Whatever. I have to work a lot tomorrow, then do homework. Tomorrow's gonna be rough, and tonight's not so good, since I'm real tired, and I'm still awake, doing stuff. Blah blah blah, whatevar. GOODNIGHT))

DDDDear Diary,

Today, I work this morning at NY&Co. With my store manager. Who hasn't talked to me since I put in my notice. Yikes, yeah. Today's going to suck-- well, this morning. She's hard for me to be around, alone, unless I can get her talking about her 4 month old baby. Then I can usually keep it going for a long time, to where I don't have to really do anything, or even hear her bitch about anything.


In between shifts today, Diary, I will be coming home and NOT taking a little nap. No, no. Instead, I'm going to push through the day, and start organizing. I need to figure out what to put in my yard sale for Friday. I really have no idea besides my television, so far. I feel like I'm so super-attached to everything I have left, that ..it's going to be hard to let go of much, lol.


Um. Tonight, I work at the salon. My boss's day off though. ...Then again, I'm pretty sure we have a new girl at work, so my boss might be there. Shiiiiet. I'm going to talk to my store manager (hope to death that he's there today). Gotta get this ball rolling. I'm nervous. Lol. Gawsh



Anyway. My legs hurt. Like, my knees get weak, you know? It's that, and my legs in general feel that way all over. It's so weird of a feeling. And, I don't know if it's from last night, when I got sick, or what's going on really. I know I didn't do jumping jacks the past two days, so... hm. Fuckin' sucks.

And that dream I had? Holy hell, really. I don't ever want to dream about that shitty situation ever again. Keep that in mind, Diary. I MEAN IT! DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN, or else. Or something. ;P Hahaha



Alrighty. Well. I hope your day goes swimmingly. I hope mine does too. I might even be on time to work this morning. Since, I was awake an hour and a half before I was supposed to be. (And, that was with me setting my alarm 20 minutes early, even.)




Schwhatevarrr.


Sincerely your's,
you know who.

Thoughts of the day.

1. I used to think that washers were saying my name. Sometimes, when I'm in the salon, I hear my name still.


2. Sometimes, I feel really small. Then I start thinking about being small, and realize how big this house is. Even my "little part" of the house. How it's so much bigger than I am. And how it's kind of scary when I think about it. And how big the world is compared to that even.


3. I am eating cereal. The last of my cereal. And then some bitch on Desperate Housewives just mentioned Chinese people, aand now all I want is Chinese food. And I can't go get some. I've been bad enough today.

I'm making a goddamn stand.

I cancelled my tanning. Either I'll be tan easier, or I'll grow pale in anguist.


I wanna fucking quit NewYork&Co. And they better not do ANYthing to piss me off tomorrow, or I swear to god I'll walk out.


I am going to color my hair purple again. I'm just awaiting a better time.


Maybe I'll be a waitress. It's a step out of my comfort zone, but hey, this world is MY playground. It belongs to me. You belong to me.



Beyond my distant bitching, I'm doing pretty good. How're you doing?

104 unread emails.

Ghandi?


I'm gonna be the next Ghandi. :D





Seriously. Well, as great as him. Not the same kind as him. OHYEAH today's a good day.

Last night,

I missed my old best friends.


I missed drugs.


I missed stuff like that.






I hate having a brain, 75% of the time.

I feel tired but not tired, and sick, and sad, and by myself right now.

Tonight, I guess.

I wish the sun would come back right now.



I don't know what to do w myself.

Accomplishment recognition.

I paid off one of my bills completely.

A 50 bucks a month bill. :D


I know it was worth taking it out of my savings, to get it the fuck out of my face.


I can rebuild now, and put that fifty to another bill.




I'm tempted to pay off another, and wipe my account out.

I'm still waiting for something to give me some direction before I do it, though.

Give direction, give direction, give direction.
So I can do something. Good no matter which way.



I hear not-yet devilled eggs, and donut holes calling my name--

I know

it's good,
when I don't think at all.

And don't realize I'm not thinking until I start up again.



KUDOS!

I'm an extraordinary machine.

Time is weird.
Every day seems to be a literal lifetime to me. Most days are fails. Some days are good, because working doubles, I am able to feel productive and accomplished and proud and strong.


Humans are weird.
We just are.


Relationships are weird.
Familyships, friendships, relationships. Things change so much, so fast, so often, so continuously. Each of our ideas, influences, decisions, thoughts, plans, feelings change so much so often, so un- on time. People just drift from person to person to thing to thing to change from change. You never know what's going to happen. You never know how it's going to end. Or how it's going to end up. You can't tell if you'll feel the same forever. You can't tell how the other person feels all the time. You'll never know their thoughts. I can hardly keep up with my own thoughts. It's hard trying to keep someone else happy. It's nice when what you do works though. It's strange that listening to how a relationship should be is thus way, when ..no. No.. no. There's no certain way for a relationship to be. Comfort and happiness and appreciation is how a relationship should be. There are no rules, no fair way of playing, no standards, no set-anythings. It's kind of a shock to my system. Relationships are weird.


Life is weird.
Constant hurtles. Constant bullies and fights and ambushes. Constant glories and victorious rampages and celebrations. Downers and uppers. Uppers and downers. Wins and fails. Fails and fails. A win every once in a while. Life. Is weird, mutherfuckers.

Black bird.

I need to get out of here.


Tuesday doesn't feel soon enough.



I'm being really shitty today. I don't want to work tonight.

I'm being really shitty.




I need to make things happen.
I need to regain passion.
I need to get my gameplan. Even if it's temporary.

I need to get out of here.



I need to buck up, a fuckin' lot.

I just continuously worry that if I use past forms of assured good-times, then I'll regret it sooner than I need to.

That I'll be backtracking.




At LEAST I can still say no to alcohol.

And I won't be backing down on that for another 7 months at least.




Deep breath.
Today's ungood.

I don't like today.

Fuck today.

yknow...

I started creating a wedding playlist,

and then realized it'd be more appropriate to start a funeral playlist.

Because at least I know that occassion is inevitable.


And, we all know I'm pretty great at being intentionally and unintentionally evasive.

Last night.

Last night, after work, I went to Denny's w Nolan. I had a good time, and he's like that guy that I can talk to things about, and he'll be interested in helping me go in the right direction, lol. He bought my cappecino and my apple stuff; I thought that was really kind.


Anyway, I like Stephen.



Anyway again.
I had a dream. I went to bed at 10:57p.

It was so strange, and when I woke up, I knew I should've written it down, or told somebody about it, but I also knew that I was really tired still and that a dream text of mine usually takes up 15 pages of text. So I didn't. But it was so intense and moving and shocking, that I figured I'd remember it anyway.

Well. What I do remember is, ..well, not much. I remember the end. I was in the salon, or at least the atmosphere and feeling was the same as when I'm in the salon. And one of the older women was there, and she used to/sometimes still does, compliment me on how awesome I am at my job, and how stylish I am, and stuff like that. Well, she was making me feel really uncomfortable, and bad about myself.

I remember noting in my head about how terrible it is that I'm getting the same feeling from my salon, as I did while I was in beauty school. It was an overwhelmingly helpless feeling, and it was like the words were seeping through the cracks of my walls of defense, and got to me, soaked into me.

I remember panicking, feeling exasperated, and alone, and claustrophobic on the inside. I started running, and I was running, but there were no walls or floors or ceilings, just this big, light gray emptiness, with everyone standing as if they were at their stations (but there were no stations-- no nothing, just people). I kept running, but it was like I was on a treadmill with the speed increasing; I was going nowhere. I couldn't get out.

And then I remember, in my dream, while running, forcing myself to realize that it can't be real. That I was only dreaming, just a bad dream. I remember trying to make it true. I tried so hard to make it all stop, and tell myself that I'm in control and that I will be okay soon. I tried to brainwash myself into what's the actual truth, but much like I do with other things in real life.

I ran and ran, and shrieked in my head that it's all a dream, to just run out of the dream. And, I ran out of the dream. I woke up.


----------------

After falling back to sleep, I dreamt again.


I can't remember everything, but I didn't write it down either. I know I texted Stephen to tell him I dreamt about him. But i can't remember details.

Anyway. It was common day, much like today or yesterday. And the jist of it all, was that he was being strange. And I was like, wtf is your problem?

And, in a long-about way, he ended up saying that he thinks he loves me. And I just stopped. I didn't breathe, or blink, or respond, or think or anything. My jaw was dropped. I didn't know anything.

I was in shock.

Then in my head, I realized: oh. yeah. I forgot I took over Aphrodite's job.





Haha.

But he was so cute and sincere.

Didn't know he'd been tricked.

__x____

Ways I punish myself.

- I hold my breath until I nearly pass out. Just thinking to myself that someone's gonna be pissed at someone else for me dying.

- I avoid checking my emails. Because I'm wishing someone would email me, just so it seems like I am not interested in replying to them.

- I don't eat when I'm hungry. Because I feel like they only feel punished by seeing me be smaller than them.

- I smile and act real interested and intriguied by the simple, obvious things assholes (like my boss) say to me when they're trying to patronize me. It confuses them, and it makes me feel like a moron, but I know I'm a heroic asshole on the inside.

- I think of things that will make me naseaus, just to see if I still have that power over myself.

- I keep all 767 friends I have on facebook, even though I don't have one friend in real life.

- I take extra shifts, and gather as many hours as I can. To be able to complain about something legitimate. And to justify my means of trying to make up for all the bad decisions I've made in my life so far.

- I make embarrassing things my status. In hopes that I'll humiliate myself in a public situation, enough to stop doing that or thinking that or being that way.

- I relate strange, extraordinary things to average, normal things. To feel unique. Or to make sure I don't make friends.

- When I'm close to being completely out of gas, when I'm almost out of food, when I'm almost ready to naturally crash, when I only have $1.25 in my bank account.. I drive the long, scenic route. I eat more than I can handle eating. I drink a shot of espresso and pop in a movie. I go buy a candy bar.

- When I know that someone's forcing themself to lie to me for some reason, I listen and soak in their false flattery anyway. Even when I know it's bullshit. Even when I know I have no right to take it. I take it anyway.

- I go tanning with a friendly nod in the direction of future skin cancer and death.

- When I'm down, and alone, I eat and watch sad movies. Movies that will make me feel worse. Food that I don't need. And I eat until I almost throw up. Eat a little more, then stop and cry and watch and then give up on myself and go to sleep.

- I fantasize about standing up right now, taking my laptop and throwing it through the glass in my screen door, trashing my apartment, breaking my guitar, filling one single box with beloved things, and walking out the door, and driving until I run out of gas. Then see what happens.

- I wonder to myself what would be my chances at happiness if I sell myself as a mail-order bride.

- I sit on the floor of my shower, and let the hottest water force my hair all around my face, and wait for it to get cold. Allowing only thoughts of hot water roll around my mind.

- I sit in the rain, debating whether I should allow it to rain for the rest of forever, or just give up on the reality of it.

- I don't buy food when I have to choose between gas or food. Because I'd rather feel safe with the idea of a quick getaway rather than eat bullshit.

- I stop blogging because I don't want people to read what I think because they'll etiher make me feel awkward or weird, or they'll steal my brain. Also, because sometimes I say weird shit and spill my guts about things that matter to me, and will hardly ever matter to anyone else. And when no one comments, that leaves me feeling THAT much more shitty about myself.

xx.xx

Uh, yeah.

So, I just realized.

I'm genuinely surprised inside, every morning when the sun comes up.


And, I just realized...

How strange of me that is.

word.

So,

sometimes I pretend that I am a little duck.

That,

in driving my car, I'm running running running with my little legs,

at high speeds.

That,

I try so hard to lift up and fly.

But,

I'm just too little, too heavy, too premature

to fly.



At least

I get to feel the wind through my feathers.


__x____

Oh, hi

I'm still here.

And we're still even.

I create my own reality.

Here,

we live as we wish.


Here. We have the same numbers in the same order.

We have one life. One number at a time, each lived until death.

Then no more numbers.

No more time.


Here,

we wake up in the morning, and

we pick.

Which number do I feel today?

Which number shall I use?


Here,

we live one day at a time.

One number at a time.


Here,

we pick.


I'm elderly today.

I wear my hair in a loose bun at my neck.

I push my glasses up on my nose.


Today,

I'll take a small walk. I'll sit on a bench by the river.

I'll remember doing homework at the coffeeshops. Like it was yesterday.

It was yesterday.


I'll eat toast today.

I'll take vitamins, and I'll smell like babypowder.

Today, I'll bake cookies.

I'll read a book, and I'll take a nap.



Here,

we are who we are.

We are who we want to be today.


Tomorrow, I'll decide to be four years old.

I'll feel free.

I'll play on playgrounds, and I won't cross streets.

I'll roll down hills.






...Here, I do whatever I want. I live one day of whichever year I choose.
That's one less day in that year.
I don't repeat times. I don't repeat days.

Every moment is new.
I live one day at a time.

I live as I pick.
I pick and choose.

I picked today. I picked you, too.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIII, IIIIIIIIIIII'll get by.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I'm underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now
Can't stop me now, oh oh

I,I, I'll get by
I,I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I,I, I won't cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Got back on my feet, again
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end

I,I, I'll get by
I,I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I,I, I won't cry

0.0

Well.

Wow.


And.. goddamn it.





I knew this would happen.

I feel so loved, and I know I'm so used, at the same time.
(Or.. I know sooner than later, I'm going to feel so used. Or.. I know sooner than later, I'm going to feel some level of bad. I've never been someone's one and only. I don't expect it now)


For now,
I'm going to lay peacefully in the loved part.

Aha!

There's nothing wrong with being a character.

Trying to include others, trying to explain, trying to justify, trying to change.


Nah.


There's nothing wrong with being a character.



I like being inspired.

I like being reminded that it's okay to just be the way I am.

Which, is insane.

But, it's cool.

Because, that's that.



And I don't have to be anything else.

Not when I'm me.

1:25pm.

I'm tired.

It's my everyday.


I cry after I get off work each afternoon.




I think the releasing of emotional words creates disaster. I don't like that.
I am better at not talking about my feelings. But, maybe that's because I have no friends.

It's promoting better times though.



I still think the release of emotional words creates disaster.





I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't give a fuck.