2010.

I wish that people would take each other seriously.

I wish that we didn't always have to laugh at our own jokes.



Um.

Starting in 2010, I am going to be nicer.
I am going to be more outgoing.
I am going to relax.
I am going to be less of a glutton.
I am going to appreciate every moment, all the time.
I am going to be happy to be alive.
I am going to work, and have a home, and travel (I hope).
I am going to go to church on Sundays that I don't work.
I'm going to take people seriously.
I'm going to believe you, and believe in you.
I'm going to be humble.
I'm going to be good.


I really will.

Merry Christmas.

While I was mostly goofing around, making silly facial expressions at my brother and sister halfway down the row, and holding and squeezing Pop and Gram's hands as I held them on my lap last night, trying to make them feel comfortable and loved and not-so separated, I was also in church, halfway listening.


It's pretty incredible that Mary and Joseph just walked through crowds, trying to find a place to stay.. I mean, people just walked right past them and didn't even realize who they were, or who they'd be.

Mary and Joseph could've been anyone out of everyone. We might have Bible-extraordinary people amongst us right now, and we just walk right on past them.

I know that everyone takes most everyone else for granted at all given times, but I suppose I never thought about Mary or Joseph or maybe even Jesus being that way.

It goes along with treating everyone as you'd like to be treated, obviously, since what if one of those other people were Mary? You'd have no way of knowing from the outside, really. You'd have no idea, maybe even if you were her friend.

And what if Jesus walked amongst us? Like the homeless guy by Taco Bell, or the cat lady on the bus, and so on? Treat everyone as we'd like to be treated, and I'm pretty certain that the ultimate way I'd like to be treated is how Jesus himself would treat me.


It's just a strange thought.

That person that cut us off yesterday, ..they could've been on their way to the hospital to have a baby. And we'd sworn that we were going to put a cap in their ass.

:/

I know that Jesus has already been born. I'm not retarded, thinking that Jesus will be reborn, but ...we really just need to give people the benefit of the doubt. And we all have that friend or family member who has a hard time quite often, and we understand because they let us into the details of situations, and we know they can't do anything about it, and that they're truly struggling, while other people assuming they're 'emo' or stubborn or self-centered. We know, because they let us.

Perhaps some of us should make it our New Year's Resolutions to treat every person-- stranger, acquaintance, friend, good friend, best friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, family member, boss, co-workers, church people, etc-- like you treat that one friend of your's. Understand, or at least, give them the benefit of the doubt. Give out your heart to every person. Believe what they tell you. Forget that people try to "get attention" and play the "pity card" because we're letting it all happen by offering those options.

Just, be genuine. To yourself, and to the people. WWJD?

__

At least I have somewhere to live, come February.

Tab, seriously. ..Love, Tab.

I need to:

a) Make a resume,

b) Apply,

c) Try to get a little loan,

d) Leave it up to fate.


And stop trying to talk myself into leaving Evansville. If this doesn't work out, it's just not meant to be for 2010.

REDO: New Year's Resolutions.

-Eat just one serving each meal.

-Walk three times a week, at least.

-Clean once a week.

-Celebrate holidays.

-Work very hard, work often, save money.

-Remain in lease for twelve entire months.

-Every two months, go for a 2-3 day trip.

-Be learning a skill at all times (starting in February, probably).

-Keep in touch.

I'm really trying here.

Dear Santa,

I can't really say that I've been very good this year, but I can't say I've been very bad either. Somewhere, sometime, I lost the ability to be either good or bad. I suppose the new polars we can use are self-centered (in a less than generic way) and objective (moreso in a libra sort of way).

Santa, I try really hard. To be good, to do the best that I can when it comes to every person around me, and all I really want is a place to live in February, a major, a good secure job, a car, and the ability to smile.


Please, Santa.

Sincerely your's.

New Year's Resolutions.

-Eat only salads and negative calories.

-Clean my house once a week.

-Save seriously for a) puppy, b) car, c) relocation, d) student loan payoffs, e) FA school.

-Travel at least once a month.

-Go to at least 2 concerts.

-Write on a regular basis.

-Learn piano, and consider violin.

-Take lessons of all kinds.

-Smiles at least one hundred million times a day, every day.

-Keep in touch.

-Be more involved.

This one's perfect.

http://www.gemologica.com/images/am334_white_topaz_diamond_gold%20_ring_1.jpg

I Don't Know if I'd Want to Know.

I looked at you
Putting your stuff down
Putting your self down



Right across from me
I was in the room
Almost alone



I looked at you
Drinking from a cup
As I drank from mine



I watched you
Pull out your headphones
And close your eyes



I played distracted
I smiled too much
Too genuine



I looked at you
Sitting in the chair
Sun-shined face

I wondered
Why you sat
Right there

You were a picture
For my pleasure
A shadowbox

I looked at you
Looking sad
And asked to see

I heard your voice
I smiled
At your smile

You sounded
Like plush grass
I like it

I looked at you
For a long time
So quiet

I kept busy
On my phone
You checked your's

I looked up
Your eyes were closed
I gazed forever

Your wrists were perfect
Your coat was black
And blank

I felt
Soft
Seeing you

You look to me
Like butter
Spreads

I looked at you
Looking at nothing
Like I do

Eventually you left
But I said
Goodbye

I bet you feel
Like velvet
I can see you

Life.

The world is a very dangerous place, with different booby traps, and wicked people, and scary situations.


I should be where I am remotely safest. That's probably here. Where I have lived these twenty years. Where I am familiar and comfortable. Where I can walk into a public place, and know at least one person everywhere.


I have unrealistic expectations of the world, of people I know, of people I love, of people I don't like very much, of my life, of my future, of myself.


The most genuine and realistic that I can be, leaves me to these hopes and dreams and wants:

-I want a career as a flight attendant, and a sidejob of some sort of paperwork/secretary/receptionist position.

-I want to live somewhere small and safe and comfortable. Probably here.

-I want a condo by the ocean, for when I want to pick up and be somewhere else.

-My house to be a small cottage.

-I want to get married, and have a child, or children.

-I don't want to be financially stressed, at all.




That's what I'm serious about. That's what I know. I don't really know much more than that. And I'm not going to start persuing any of that, until I'm stable enough to grasp something without tossing it away from me on impulse.

It's a bad time for me right now.

Life: short, exciting, scary, pointless, meaningful, weird

A lot of times, I don't know what the point of life is. Actually, it's a consistant nonunderstanding. I don't think anyone really knows. Maybe there is no point to life. It's all just a game. A game that no one even wins at. It's kind of a terrible situation.

Friendship: complex, futile, difficult, issues, popcicle stick theory

I feel like my friendships are built up, like a little house with exterior walls and a roof made out of tiny, thin popcicle sticks glued together. Sometimes, I have faith in myself and the other person and our relationship together. I feel like we are strong, and we'll have the ability to stand up to anything that tries to wear us down. I'm wrong.

My friendships, each in time, break at some point. Some part in the roof gets cracked in one or two spots, then three. And soon, the parts of the roof that are still okay, aren't enough to keep the roof from caving in, and the walls come apart all around it. It breaks my heart. It makes me cry.

Friendships are complex, with the constant good times, the fights, the arguements, the disagreements, the opinions, the having each other's back, the backstabbing, the lack of loyalty, the who's right and who's wrongs, the differences in each person's life. It's a lot to handle, it is a lot to try to keep together. It's compromise and it's a war, and it's backing down sometimes, and it's standing up sometimes, and it's brutal.

Everyone has their issues. Trying to fit ourselves together like pieces in a puzzle. That's what we do in our relationships. I think I have a friendship issue. Either it's me, and I am completely oblivious to the problem that I have, or I have a problem with chosing the right people to be my friend. Because while even the best fall down sometimes, the worst try to push you down farther even when you think you can't get any lower.

Family: too much, just right, straight love, everything

My family is all I have, is all I could handle having. I love each person in my family so much that I'm consistantly surprised that my heart hasn't exploded. I have the ability to appreciate every one for different things. I can't imagine being without any of them. And I think that perhaps one of the reasons I try to move so often is so that I can distance myself from them, and make it easier on me when something happens to any of them.

While I wish that I didn't have anything I couldn't stand losing, I really don't want to be without them. While I'm lonely more than I've ever noticed before, I try to be with them as much as I can. While I feel like I try to be kind and understanding to strangers and people who are possibly misunderstood, I try to be whoever my family needs me to be, when they need me separately for something only I seem to be able to help them with or through.

Love:

I don't know a lot about love. I had a dream where I was in love once. It was the most intense, overwhelmingly happy feeling I'd ever felt.

I know that I care about my family so much that it hurts when I sit down and really think about the immense quantity that I have of that feeling.

I don't know if I will ever feel fully loved by anyone other than my family. I don't know if I'll ever be able to really believe that anyone could possibly know me well enough to know whether they truly love me or not. Right now, that's what I struggle with. I don't believe people and their opinions. I can't take compliments, because I don't believe that they fully know what they're saying. I suppose I feel like everyone's too shallow to understand what's really there.

I know that I long to be loved, and I know that I have an issue with allowing anyone close enough to be able to love me. Perhaps I have a feel of being unlovable. I don't really think I do, but maybe I do. I know that love makes the world go 'round, and the world is spinning slower and slower. I try very hard to love and to spread love, but the world pushes me down so much that sometimes, I'm just trying to breathe without being squished to death. And sometimes, I get hasty with my love-mission. I get hateful and angry. Why isn't anyone helping me? Why isn't someone pulling me back up?

I'm more of a taker than a giver, I know that. I give out my heart and my feelings and my mind, but nothing else really. So that leaves me as a taker. I take all I can get. I try to get more than that, sometimes. You can say that I'll never be able to know love really until I learn to take and give equally, but I wouldn't believe that you'd know what you were talking about anyway, so your words would prove pointless to me.

Growth: so much, constant, scary, sad to me, exciting surfacely, nerve-wracking

We each grow, from the time we're little babies, when we're little kids, when we're teenagers, when we're young adults, when we're real adults, when we're elderly, when we're old. We grow and grow, and change. I knew this, I know this, most people do. I tried to embrace it without really thinking it through very much. I tried to avoid it, by figuring out who I am and why, but all the changing I forced myself through...was probably just a cover-up to avoid going through change like everyone else. I want control of change if I have to go through it. I've realized I can't control it.

My sister's pregnant, and I can't control it. I wasn't a part of that. I wasn't there for that decision. I wasn't able to keep it from happening. I couldn't plan it for her. For us. For everyone.

I changed my mind every five minutes. I changed my plan every five days. I changed my look every five weeks. I changed my friends every five months. I was in charge of change. I pushed change so change wouldn't push me. I don't like to be pushed around. I'm being pushed around. And it isn't going to stop.

True Love?

I wonder if true love is real.

Like, if it's when a person loves you. Loves you so much that it's genuine, and honest, and true.

If it's possible for love to be where the two people feel secure in each other. Feel trusting and dependant on each other. To where they can shut the rest of the world out, even their family and friends.

If true love is like when one person is sitting in the shower, allowing the water to smooth their hair over the face, running hot and running steady. True love being that they don't lock the door, they don't shut the other person out. They aren't hiding.

True love when the other person comes inside, sees the person sitting down in the shower, and knowing that something isn't right. Feeling at one with one another. Feeling the same, in the name of the other. Not feeling angry, or offended, or personally attacked, as if taking on the responsibility of the person's unsettlement. Moreso feeling helpful and considerate and sweet and patient and adoring.

Is that what true love is? Being one half of another, and not being one whole with one whole?

Knowing that it is okay to be you, but to let them be them, and both be one together?

Knowing to be part of them, at all times, instead of as a possible target or as a possible offender.


I wonder if anyone knows what I'm asking, or what I'm saying, or what I'm proposing.

(I didn't even realize what true love was, if this is what it is, until just now, as I saw it in a movie. This is what true love seems to be, to me. And, while I obviously have my problems and my past and my present, there's one person that I see this situation happening with when it comes to me. I'm nore sure if that means anything, seeing as I'm mostly unstable in this area, but I find the scenario and meaning intriguing, nonetheless.)

More things that I need to invest in, and start doing.

Stamps
Envelopes
Dry shampoo
Toilet paper
Bagels
Christmas lights
Lamps
Cat food (soon)
Stationary
A Mac
A blowdryer


Start walking,
Go to revivals,
Make holiday plans,
Be great,
Write more,
Feed ducks,
Plan trips,
Go to concerts,
Keep in touch,
Birthdays,
Addresses,
Files of information,

I want:

A waterbed,
A violin,
A piano,
A new car,
A puppy,
A condo near the beach,
The movie Waitress


To go to church revivals,
To take cooking lessons,
To learn to knit and sew,
To take piano and violin lessons,
To take my trips again,
To leave the country,
To sky-dive, and other dangerous, adventurous things


TO SAVE FOR:
My passport,
My FA education,
My trips,
My moped,
My relocation (however close or far that may end up being),
My multiple appointments,
My retirement,
My shopping sprees,
My wedding

It's a song.

I'd really like to know you.

I'd really like to show you.

Just exactly who

I am, and who I will never be.


I'd really like to

Know you.

I'd really like to show

You.


I wish that you would

Let me prove just who

I can be.


I'd really like to know you.

I'd really like to show you.

Will I ever get to know

Just what you know.


I can see only

What you show.

Tell me more of

All you know.


I'd really like to know you.

I'd really like to show you.

This is me.

This is me.


Darling, can't you see?

I just want you.

To want me, too.

I'll show you who

I am.

I Need to Decide.

I have a lot of life experience.
I have a lot of job experience.
I want to figure out what I want to do.
I need to know where I have to go.

To be happy.

All I want is to be happy.
Here, I need to be happy.
Here, I know I won't always be in hell.
But here, I have to reach for my light.

I need to learn what makes me smile.
I want to decide what else to do.
I have made a lot of mistakes, and bad choices.
I have enough to erase my life through.

I cannot lose.

The time I have to live this.
Sometime I'll have to kiss it all goodbye.
For now, I want to stay like this forever.
For now, I want to stretch out towards the sky.

2012

I just saw the world up-close and ending.
I never saw it coming, through the sound.
The noise, it's overtaking,
How can we even hear you scream outloud?

I don't know how to stop this pain from coming.
I have to figure out a plan,
To change my life to a better living,
To change myself to help the world around.

I'm not alone like I get down and start thinking.
You're right next door, you're only across town.
I want to save my world from rearranging,
I can't refuse to start all of this right now.

What can I do to start being so better?
How can I start again from all I know?
When will the earth start crumbling to pieces?
Like how, when will we know?

I want to fight, I want to save
Myself.
I want to search for
The things I need to know.
I want to fight.

On Channel 44.

I had a dream last night
That I was at the try-outs
For a talent show.

A guy tried to juggle
Five soccer balls,
But juggled four instead.

The contestants were less
Than the ideal expectation,
But I liked it.

At the end,
I decided to try,
So I'd sang.

Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Biiiiirthday.

I was nervous and
I'd had no real experience,
But I sang.

Sometimes I guess I can be brave,
I woke up..
Singing Happy Birthday.

How do you feel about love?

How do you feel about love?

When do you know what's what?

Attraction's a trick, do you know?

Liking someone, and liking someone.


Do you enjoy a person's company?

Will you laugh when they're angry?

When will you change your mind?

How do you feel about love?


Sometime, a lover's quarrel becomes broken.

How do you feel about love?

Can you be sure when you love a person?

What makes you think you're in the loop?


Will you know between fake and real, when it comes to me?

Do you like it when I breathe, when I speak so free?

How do you feel about love?

I'll always bet that you just might like me.


How do you feel about love?

Is it always a test?

Will I always run free?

Should it be complex or simplicity?


Does time takes it's toll?

Do you think love dies?

How do you feel about love?

Can love be repeated, or done just one time?


What stage do we get in, to get the right phase?

Is time the manager of love?

What makes love stop?

How do you feel about love?


You don't know me, not even close.

How do you feel about love?

Why do you think you'd fallen over me?

When will it stop-- love and her trickery?


Can I go without love forever?

Do you think kharma provides and takes away?

Tell me what you think.

How do you feel about love?

Thanksgiving, oh how happy thou maketh me.

I am thankful for:

-My grandma. For listening to me. For being my best friend. For being a badass granny. For loving me.

-My sister. For being the greatest sister a person could have, on her good times and good days.

-My pop. For being honest, and genuine, and a hard, strong, working man. Someone to set the bar for any other men in my life. (Whenever I begin to apply those standards, then we'll be in business.)

-My brother. For being such a true spirit. For trying so hard, for struggling, and continuing to swim towards the surface. For being brave. For being worth my time.

-My mom. For giving birth to me. For not quitting, when quitting seems to be the only option. For showing me what to not do, most of the time. For our few and far between good times together one on one.

-Valerie. For being my friend for these years, and years to come. For proving to me what makes up a best friend, and a worst friend. For being the reason of my learning to forget, along with forgiving. For making my life better sometimes. And for making me cry other times. Because, lord knows we can't get any good unless we get some bad.

-Meg. For thinking of me as her best friend for life, no matter how often we lose track of each other, and lose sight of what's going on. She has faith in me.

-Garffi. For always being home when I get here. For being so pretty and soft, and for when she tries snuggling up to me when I'm sad or upset, even when I clearly don't want her in my face. And, for her sometimes trying to eat my leftovers, liiiike my cereal milk, :/ like right now. Lol



-For the grass being that really fresh, gorgeous green that it is sometimes.
-For birds being able to fly, and for fish being able to swim.
-For movies showing me parts of life that I'll never experience. For allowing me to feel involved even when I'm not.
-For my job. And for my other job. For paying me to do what I really enjoy doing. Being with and around people. And making people's minute, from time to time.
-For Christmas, and the entire month prior. For the lights, the music, the snow, the smiles.
-For having been released of my insanity. Well, sort of.
-For having the slight intiative to get a grip, and try to find my path.
-For getting my groove back.
-For certain music, certain feelings, certain sights, certain smells.
-For food.

Thanks again, dude. Amen.

CHAROLETTE.

Where's It..?

How do I get out?

Can you point me towards the exit?

I'd like to leave.

Where am I?

Should I go left?

I really don't want to be here.

Do you know the way out?

Will you show me another sight?

I'm not feelin' this.

When can I go?

Can you tell me what's else?

I'd rather split, -please, now.

Where is there another..?

Where's it..?

Apostrophe T.

I won't stop speaking.

You can't keep me out.

You can't keep me down.

I'll fight until I can't.

I won't stop until I die.

You can't leave me here.

I can't not try, I can't just die.

You won't forget this.

You can't just let me go.

I keep going on.

I won't get there.

You've stopped leading me on.

You can't leave.

I won't let you die.

You can't make me stop.

I'll fight until I can't.

You're leaving me.

I'll fight until I die.

I fight for you.

Be Who I Need You To Be.

Extend your neck, always.

Keep your head straight, looking forward.

Stare, don't squint.

Don't bat your eyes.

Lick your lips quick, don't linger.

You've got to be hard;

You've got to be hard;

You've got to be a hardcore man.

Hold my hand.

Twist your fingers in between mine.

Pull me toward you.

You've got to be strong.

Put your hands on my hips.

Put me where you want me.

Hold me near you, don't soft up.

Your hand is on my face.

Look into my eyes.

What are you looking for?

Bring up my chin, and rush in.

Kiss me swiftly.

Don't kiss me if you don't mean it.

Kiss me hard;

Kiss me hard;

Kiss me hardcore.

Be a man.

I like you.

I like a hard, strong man.

He calls to me, when I can finally breathe
Speaks my name, to leave me shaming

Pretend that I don't know him
Keep slumming to my pain

I would never pick you, if I had another chance
Let go of my hand and, I'll leave you

I miss you being weird to me
You don't even know my favorite color

He's ugly always, and I don't mind it
Smelled like me, I was proud of it

I can't loiter on this level
Have to speed up this piece of prison

I hate you for forgetting me, don't forget
Drown yourself in bullshit, ruler of my kingdom

Please be different, I need a friend
I wish you needed me like you used to

What Makes Things Break Up Like They Do?

I know that I lied.

I told you to be good,
And to do what you should.

I'm sorry.
I told you that I lie.

Perhaps at another time,
You'll remember why.

I didn't know that I would
So I guess that I'm worse.

I wanted to let you,
And that's why I told you.

I'll try to be true,
But I break up like things do.

I know that I lied.
Just.

Know that I cried.

Foresight.

songs playing.
singing songs.

nod my head.
pound my heels.

smile.
shake my head.

pushing buttons.
bite my lip.

heart pounding.
singing louder.

expand diaphram.
smile broadens.

tap the wheel.
toss my hair.

pretend to ignore.
touch the roof.

glancing around.
hum softly.

lean over to the window.
turn it up.

slowly frowning.
head bobbing softly.

closing eyes.
forget goodbyes.

i'm a goner.
splat.

I should've known.

sometimes,
i wonder where
i went wrong.

what step did i trip on,
which street did i cross,
when did i get lost?

i see my feet and
zone through the grass
picturing my past.

i'd like to go back
to where i once was;
anywhere at all's fine.

sometimes,
i wonder when i'll be asked
"will you be mine?"

like some sort of card
i need some sort of sign
why don't you just take me there instead.

i get lost easy
but that's not the problem;
the issue's my memory.

where've i gone
what've i done
please take me home.

i don't want to be here anymore
it's all i can think about
just show me the way.

listen, i need you
more than i needed you before,
so can you please just push me?

knock me,
pull me through
oh dear, nevermind, no not you.

i'll find a way
i can't go back but
i'll stray along until i lose.

i'll be lost without you
i'm lost in your eyes
i'm losing my mind.

i don't even know any of you

11/22/09 First poem since high school.

Licking my lips,
Searching, rocking eyelashes up and down,
Spinning 'round and 'round

I dunno where to go,
I can't find the right threads to sew
When's my birthday?

I need a drink,
I don't wanna stop to think
Where I've come to..

Oh, gahd, who are you?
Drop my glass,
Shit tastes like ass

I don't know what to say,
"Oh, you! Hey, hey"
I don't like it

I'd hug you, but
You'd be confused
And I'm not in the mood to be used

No, not tonight
I don't want this today-
I need to breathe time away.

I'll sip on oxygen,
And wait for you to leave
Because I need to grieve

In silence.

Goodbye, my almost-lover.

Who says?

-Bible one.

-Children, Listen.

-Thoughts.

-Secrets.

-Ideas.

-Allow me to elaborate... A true story.

-Dearest Diary.

O-k, it's time to get real.

I need to think about what I'm good at.

What I enjoy.

What I enjoy doing.

Where I enjoy being.

What I enjoy hearing, tasting, touching, thinking.

What I want to have completed in life by the time I die.



I need to be realistic, of course, (not "of course" like I always am realistic, but "of course" like, this is me getting real, and being realistic is real in getting real, dig?) but think of the big picture, then break it down into the small pictures.


I don't need to worry about things that I cannot help at this time. Feeling that I cannot control at this time. Money that I do not have at this time. Opportunities that aren't reality at this time.


I need a legit plan. And bank on it. Without involving variables like boyfriends, and whatever else.



BOOM. And there I have it. I'll work on this tomorrow. In a positive light, I hope.

PS, My life sucks because I let it suck, and sometimes even MAKE it suck.

I just want to know what the matter is with me.

I can't keep doing this. Keep playing these games with people. With myself.


I don't know if it's really far past issues that are leading me to be such a fuck-up in these type of situations, or if it was Mark, or if it's just me. I really don't know.

I feel like I have this blockage, to where I can't force myself to think past it, in order to analyze myself to find out the true problem. Or possible problem, or lead. I can't get past the blockage. And I'm not fighting to.



I thought I was ready.

This just makes me think that I'm still just NOT ready.

Which makes me feel even shittier, kind of.

STILL NOT READY? Really??

..Really?!




There's something wrong. Some part of me needs tweaked. Some part of me is a second off.

I don't like the way that makes me feel.


I feel like I'm in my prime, and if I can't reel one in now, then I'm a loner for sure. But the problem isn't reeling someones in, it's the whole ..me keeping interest/me being comfortable/me being able to go forth instead of making that someone drag me forward, against my will... thing.

Makes me feel scared. Being alone forever.
I didn't realize how lonely I am, until a short while ago.
And now that I've recognized it in myself, I feel naseaus and suffocated by it.

Like, I need to relieve myself somehow, and quick. But how? OH, I know HOW. ...NOT.

My ideas are terrible.

Haha




Seriously though.
Terrible.


Sincerely,
Terribly Thought-Out Tab

I want a simple life.

Sometimes, I forget how to go about that. Or I try so hard to get to that, that I complicate things, and then get flustered about the complexity of everything in my life.



Sometimes, I forget that right now, and ten minutes ago, and three days ago, are all part of my time. That this time that I keep living, and going on, it's all part of what I'm going towards, what I'm going for. I keep looking so far out, that I'm overlooking right now.

Sometimes I remember to take this for what it is, though. Those are the times I like the most. I try to live it so deeply that I breathe deeper, trying to fill myself with the moment. I can't honestly say that every moment I live is one of those times. Maybe I should encourage myself to make them each those moments though. Even the ugly, sad, bad ones. Because it's all emotion, it's all intense, it's all worth it in the end. Every bit of it all leads me to the next big thing that I count on, the next lessons I learn, the next memories, the next rule I make for myself.


I am, actually, enjoying right now, with my freshly painted toenails, huge, fluffy, clean hair, trashy house, plans tonight, blah blah blah. ;)

I make things special for myself. I try to instill the good moments in myself, for myself. I've gotten pretty good at it. But sometimes, other things get my attention, and it's hard to focus on so many things at one time.


Sometimes, a few good things happen at once, and make it difficult for me to remember the other good things that I try to hold high.



It's okay though.
I can't do everything.

I can't control myself all the time.

Dear Diary,

This morning (around 3 something), I woke up from a dream about some sort of paranormal activity.

I got up, got dressed, ate cereal, then went to work.

Pop and Josh got into a motorcycle wreck today. I panicked. Of course.
I left work and went to the hospital, where I remained for hours.

I took Gram home around 5:30p, and she made hamburgers and real fries. It was great. We had a heart-to-heart. A few, actually. She's happy for my situation.

At 6:30ish, I left to go to Showplace to meet up with Sean. I followed him from theater to theater as he cleaned, haha. Then got tired of roaming in heels, and went to sit down in our theater.

I was hollered at by an old high school friend, and went up to talk to her and her old boyfriend (who I knew as well), until Sean came in.

We watched The Fourth Kind. I'd already seen it before, but he wanted to see it, so I'd agreed to go with. (He whispered to me that I looked pretty, during the movie.^.^) It really got to him, I think, lol.

Then we left, and he hugged me for a long time. Trying to make me feel better, I think. Which was very kind of him.

I headed out, and came home to rebudget and plan my tomorrow.


Tomorrow, I meet up w Val bright and early, and depart to Nashville (<3) for the day, where we'll shop for hours on end (I have a very pretty, shiny new credit card with the beach on it), and then go to the Regina Spektor concert that evening, then head to Wafflehouse around midnight, as tradish.

It's going to be a good day.

Tuesday, Sean has a surpise afternoon/evening planned for me. He's taking me somewhere, and I'm thinking it's maybe thirty minutes away, because his timing seemed as such. But, I'll see, I suppose. He promised that I'll be safe, so hopefully he's being honest. LOL

I tried to talk him into taking me to the circus, but we'll both be working and having plans on Thanksgiving, and that whole weekend, I'll be working doubles, :( I'm totally bummed, but he said he's going to try to find a way for us to go anyway. :( So not possible, though.



Anyway.

Sigh.

I should really go to sleep now, considering what I have going on tomorrow, haha. :) I'm totally pumped.

Goodnight, Diary. Thanks for listening to me,
Tab

November '07

I sat in my car, waiting for you
Though I knew you would not come.
I looked at the sky and sang a few songs,
While I waited for you to come.

I thought and I thought and
You still hadn't come,
But I thought that love was unfair.
For I wait and I wait and
I continue to wait all the
While you do not care.

So my wishes and wants
Were wastes of my time
Because as I sit here waiting for you,
I know in my heart that this isn't right
But it's the most that I'm able to do.

ohfray.

I want a condo when I'm older. Along the beach.

I want an Eclipse convertible, as well. When I'm older.



I want to get married, and maybe have a child/children when I'm older, too.

Those are my dreams now.


There is no plan. Those are my dreams. This is what I have.



I'm good. How're you?

ONE. I really would like to have my sister back.

TWO. I wish I knew where my blank CDs were.

THREE. I can live day to day. I have for the past several days. I can do even better with it, if I try harder.

FOUR. I'm going to start going to church. Because I began then stopped, but I'm going to again.

FIVE. It's hard for me to get a grip, but I'm reaching so far, trying so hard. I'm a drifter, and I've been anchored, thus woe is me.

SIX. I fucking like my life better in my own little world, and will revert back as soon as I can find my way.

SEVEN. I honestly do not believe that I push people away from me always. I believe that I do not deserve to have to force people to care. I'd rather occupy my time.

EIGHT. I'm happy to say that my electric is back on, after a full day and a half of being off. God, it's so good to be home. Well, you know, with my things and Garffi.

NINE. I didn't like Where The Wild Things Are. I don't know why.

TEN. I have to remember that all I can do is try. Try and fail, try and succeed, try and remain. Trying is all I have. All that is worth doing. The hardest thing is trying. It's so ..so. Hard.

All I needed was someone to touch me, to remind me that I still exist.

O-k Update.

Alright, so.

I just watched Pan's Labryinth, and I cried at the end. Not sob-like or anything crazy like that, just a small cry.


Mark just told me that he was in the hospital the other day, and he might have cancer.


My sister isn't talking to me, the whole now/never again way.





But!

Goods news:

1. I have decorated and cleaned my house. And it looks awesome. Very cozy and sweet, and cute. I like it a lot. It feels more like me.

2. I've made a new friend, and have decided to reconnect w old friends. Like, my old good/great friends at the time. I mean, don't get me wrong: I realize that life goes on, change takes place, we all split into separate directions, but uhh. . .hey. Why not try? We can be friends again! We can rekindle our flames of friendship! We can bond like we did. We are all still connected to our roots, and somewhere along there, we connected the first time. I want to try. I have a broader view of humanity now. I'm more tolerant, and less judging. More appreciative.

3. I'm not really sure what made me think of this, or influence it or whatever, but uh, I need to start improving mysef again. I slipped somewhere along the way, and didn't even notice that that was what was happening. Stopped doing my make-up. Stopped making my hair look good. Just getting more and more depressed about that stuff, too. I need to stop! I need to do my make-up because I knew I had better days when I felt like I looked better.

4. Looking frumpy isn't helping me feel good at all. And I'm not sure why I started this phase of trying to show myself that I can pull the lazy-comfy look off, but uh, that was a completely unnecessary idea. I should not do that, because I look better when I try to dress cool. And when I dress for work, as opposed to my slacker days off style. And I look chunky or weird when I dress so down. And that makes me sad and wanna puke at the same time.

5. Okay, okay. So. I'm obsessive on the inside, sometimes. I definately feel insecure a lot of the time. Big news right? Um. Yeah, well, I need to stop it. Because I appreciate people for them, and I strongly believe that there is no reason to make anyone feel bad for how they look, because how they are is how they are, and there is nothing wrong w that. People should be how they are, and not worry about changing things like that. I seriously do believe this. And you know what? People are happy sometimes. And I want to be one of those people. I want to be happy, and not be like "omgsh, I hope I look okay like this" or "man, I bet I look completely shitty right now. this sucks" I don't want that stuff anymore! No one really cares what I look like. And if they do, they can go play in traffic, because I don't need to be so down about myself. I am what I am, I look how I look, and since my waist is the only fluxuation I can control, that's what I'll control. I won't worry about my other things that I have issues with, because so the fuck what? I enjoy food. I enjoy the things that I eat. It adds to my happy times in life. Why should I try to disguise it? I'm proud of my happinesses, and I shouldn't feel like I need to rid myself of the proof from those times. I'm gonig to get happier. I'm gonig to stop worrying about this. These things. These stupid, pointless, drag of thoughts. I don't want them anymore and I won't have them.


I'm going to do my make-up, and start wearing green, and do my hair, and have fun, and be friends w everyone, and smile a lot, and sing and dance in my house, and love everything again, and pray more, and make myself happy, and take it one step at a time, one day at a time, one issue at a time, one minute at a time. I'm too good at being me, to just let me slip away. I liked myself too much to let myself go. I gave a good fight, but it's time for my adrenaline to step in. Let's fucking DO this.

So I guess my favorite things to do include: slipping back into bed (no matter the time of day), eating until I feel like I'm going to throw up (about 7 huge meals per day), taking 45 minute long showers ending w straight hot water, and occassionally forgetting to lock my front door.


I'm not any more depressed than I have ever been. Not any more depressed than I've been these months.

I'm really glad that my birthday went well, for the entirety of the day.





To-Do List:
------------

-Take a trip
-Stop eating so much
-Start walking around again
-Buy lamps
-Invest in celery
-Write an official outline to my book
-Get Garffi declawed
-Get ahold of myself
-Worry about Gram
-Get my style back
-Change whatever needs to be changed
-I don't really know what to do

Doooo youuuu realizeee? That you haaaave the most ...beautiful face.

Gee, I'd love to stay up and chat, and all, but I'm totally feelin' a hot shower, and a good sleep before work.


I'm coloring my hair to my natural color.

I'm going to let my lips be the deep, weirdie-pink that they naturally are.


I'm going to suck it up and pay for last month's utilities and cable, even though that seriously was not the agreement.

I'm going in search of my God-given talents, and I'm preparing myself to take those and run. Take responsibility for the goods that I have, since I do pretty good w the bads.



We'll see how this go, where this takes me.

I want to read Twilight again.


I should really start my book.

Um. I feel comfortable w some things in my life right now. Some things I've figured out, I have to tell myself that they aren't "options" but that they are "permanents." I've realized that I can separate my permanents from everything else, especially my options.

Some permanents include: family members, Garffi, a place to live, a need for a vehicle, a job (seemingly the salon), etc. Options include: certain people (as sad as that sounds), certain jobs (cough-cough), location of residence (stupidly), future plans (also, stupidly), etc.



Changing some options to permanents is a serious change. I get so mad at some of my friends, and somehow, we come back to each other. The past few months, I've transferred some options to permanents, because of that.


Some things I was wondering.. Certain people feel like they are made for certain duties, certain people, certain things. This can be from talents that are made obvious, etc. Well.. well.


Anyway. We'll talk about this later.

Shower, and bed, and work time.

I'm not over.

You see, I feel trapped inside of me.


I can extend my attention to everything around me for a long while, but eventually, I boomarang right back to my insides.


I can't tell if I'm rare for this happening, or totally typical. I can't believe that it's typical because I don't see other people struggling w it like I do.

Maybe no one sees me struggling w it, though.



I think maybe that's part of the reason I can't settle down w things. Can't just decide on something, do it, and allow it to keep me satisfied for more than five to ten minutes.


That might not be a reason for it though.


I need the key. I need umm.. super-glue. Or ...handcuffs. To, you know, keep me and an idea together without any chance of escape.

I dunno.

I have to do something. Or I'm going to get fired sooner than later, for being a pissy employee.

Then I won't be able to pay for anything. Then I'll be really really screwed.


I need to do something before then. Which, today, feels closer than what would be ideal.

I don't like eating my feelings.

Um.

I forgot that why I am so bitter and why I do see it as troublesome that I'm the one w the ability to do all these things for so many different people is, because I never feel like it's enough, thanks to said person at the time.

I know how greatly it should be seen, and it just isn't. It's like, ..I don't know really, but I feel on my end like it's just been dismissed. Like a queen or king, take it, take a look at it, appear bored w it, then toss it aside and dismiss me. No "good job," no "man, thank you so much!" nope.

That's what's made me bitter, and irritated to be that person back then and even now.

(I might be the only one who understands the fact that I am the way I am ((bitter, etc)) due to past occurrances-- and not just one-timers, like repeat offenders, I'm talkin'. I learn from my mistakes.. Sometimes too much. Maybe this is one of those times when I should be able to let go, but reminders actually only remind me to stay strong to what I've learned and stop acting like a pussy and backing down for whatever reason.)




Reminds me to remember, so thank you.

OH MAN.

How could I ..do what I've done?

How could I.. turn my back on the one piece of security that I have?


How was I so blind? And blind before that?

Oh, man.


I needed it put to me like it was. I needed to hear the gentler side of it all.
The loving side, not just the "plan" part. Not just the "forgiving" part. I needed love. I needed to hear about His love for me.


"God's counting on us." THAT is what she said.

God ..is counting on us.


The whole thing about it is, ..I'm not supposed to be concerned about me. He has my back. I'm here to help others, to help protect, and provide support to others! I knew this, of course, but ..put the way it was put. That's ..why we're here.

To help each other. To help you. To help them.


"Give it to God." Okay. Dude, I will!! I'll give it all to God, because He's promising to take care of me. According to his plan, and no one else's. Not mine. Not my plan.

I'll give it to God, and I'll spread the love around. I will.


Today in the salon, a stylist was listening to me talk about things.. And, she said that I shouldn't be so bitter about being the "grounded one" in my family. That I shouldn't feel so irritated or angry or upset about being the one people count on, and look to for advice and support, or just an ear. ..That I should open my eyes, and realize how gifted I am, for being that person. For being that part of the family.

She was right. I knew it as soon as she said it. I just needed to hear it, I guess, because I was stuck on the one side of things. My side. And news flash, ..it's not ABOUT me.

I'm here for you! I'm here for all of you, and for anyone. I'm not a passive person, I'm not exactly a people-pleaser, or a sucker. I just know how to help sometimes. I know what you need to hear sometimes. I know what you're feeling sometimes.

I'm here for you. I'm going to be here for you, like He's here for me.


It is a gift, and I will acknowledge that from now on. I may need reminders, but I'm just like you, I get off track.


AND you know what? I am SO sorry for that note-post I made on Facebook. I was so out of line, I can't even begin to explain or try to make up some false excuse. I was so wrong. And ungrateful. And I should've been struck.

I had no right.

I tripped. Really hard. Fell, nearly on my face. 10/03/09 will be a date to remember.

I'll be here. He's here. He is here. ..And I couldn't be happier.

Bliggah blouw.

My head kind of hurts.

I haven't wore make-up in two days. Feels like forever.

My eyes are going to feel so heavy tomorrow, with all that eyeshadow and mascara.

Whew.


Nothing's on TV.

I'll be happy to have a busy weekend.

Like, you know.. work tomorrow, then hanging out w Katherine RIGHT AFTER! :D
Watch movies and play dress-up, then go to Rocky Horror. I've been starving myself for this day.

THEN go to sleep for a few hours, then work ten hours, then go to the drive-in w my fraans. :D In honor of my birth. :P

THEN sleep. Then uh, wake up to my birthday.

We'll see how that goes.
Ha

Around sixish, my fam's getting together to--hopefully--eat spaghetti in honor of me.

Um.

Then BAM, nodduh.

Good times. Yeah.

Ha.






...Anyway.
Wanna have a thumb war?

OKAY.

I knwo I'm so bouncy.

I know I know.




I'm unpacking my kitchen right now.

Maybe I caaaan have it all.

Maybe. Just maybe.



I have to be here at least until March.

I guess I'll just ..do that then.

Puhaha.



Um.
I can still travel.

I can still.. do these things.

I can!


I can still do school. No, I WILL still do school. Hopefully in January even still.

This can be fine.



I think so.

Sigh.

I'll live here. I will work weekends.

I will work really hard and make as much money as I can.


I will pay my bills.

I will try to save some money.

I will have a great Christmas here.


Things are going to be fine.

My birthday's going to be fine.


I'll get a car, or get mine fixed. It's not as bad as all that. I can do this.


I got this.

I. Got. This.


Everything's still okay.

Even my plans will be fine. Just a little fine-tuned. Things'll work out. I think that I have this.

I mean...

I feel better today.


I'm uh, stressed.

Ha.

So far, ..my mother's decided to force me to honor my 6-mo agreement when it comes to the house.

She also wants me to take a job at the hospital as a receptionist, full-time, with the intention of staying for 5 years so I can get a pension.

Uhm.


So far, ..I still have to pay for my rent at the apartment. And the house. And the utilities. And the cable and internet. And gas. And food. And my cell phone, and both loan bills.

And birthdays. And Christmas.


I have to either get my car fixed ($250) (EVEN THOUGH, WHO KNOWS WHEN THE NEXT AWFUL THING WILL HAPPEN TO IT) or get a car. Because my mom needs her's back, because the truck doesn't have heat. (I totally understand that, and yeah..)


I either need to put off flight attendant school, or ..go with my mom's plan for me.


========

On another note, I feel better today.

Because I've decided to write down the symptoms I see in myself.

Hopefully sometime, it'll matter.


I can't jump into things like I try so hard to.

I can relate to people, but I can't let people relate to me.

I need certain people in my life, and I try to push myself into things, into ideas, plans, scenes.
I can't do that, apparently. Because, as it's turned out, that's what messes me up.

Makes me freak, and change my mind. Only to change it back again, sometimes, after ruining it by explaining how I've changed my mind.

I'm a consistant screw-life-up (DIY).

But I don't wanna let you go. None of you. I just don't know how to stop myself. Not from letting you go, but from pushing myself away from you, or pushing you away from me.

I'm not sure what to do.

I know that I need to figure it out.

Figure me out.

I wish you could help.

Even the best fall down sometimes.

You're supposed to know that if someone has issues, you won't be able to be the person to their rescue. You can't be their hero, ultimately. You will not be the person able to change or fix them.

That if someone has cuts on their legs, scars.. that you've dived into a helpless, hopeless situation. You can barely handle yourself. We can all just barely handle ourselves, that the theory of being able to cure someone of such ailments is a lost cause.

Especially if the person isn't you. If it is you, we're pushed to seek help. Help from people trained in your specific area of distress. Whatever that may be.

What if you're a little bit in denial? Enough to know that you do it to cope. (In knowing that alone, said person should know that they have a problem.)

Enough to be told that you're a closet-pessimist.

Enough to know the right reaction to such a remark should be hurt, disgust at how "little" that person knows you.

[Enough to know that that isn't the worst confrontation you have or will experience.]

Enough to know just how to react according to most remarks.
Conversations.


Enough to know how to protect oneself.

Protect oneself against the truth, against the mirror.
Against attacks from reality.

Enough to hide, openly.

Who needs help? Said person could have enough control to control the issue enough.
To keep it from being truly exposed.

Enough to know to talk silly about the possible diagnosi, enough to throw close ones (and far ones) off the path of undeniable situations occurring in oneself.

Oneself.

Thank God it's just one, right?

Since when did I become my own worst enemy?

I had a mediocre beginning to my day. Getting irritated easily, and stomping my heels on the tile.

I had an alright lunch break w my unexpected fam.

Came back to work w a better mood. Better attitude.

Got a surprise visit from my friends. Talked.


Got happy, excessively happy, then depressed.

Because I've done it again.


I don't know when I'll ever make the right decision.

I don't know when I'll stop being the way I am.

I don't want to do this. I don't WANT to be this way. I didn't specifically ask for this.

I'm really sorry to be this way. Much more sorry than you'd be able to believe. And I honestly understand that. I just wish that it could be different.



I hate being me.

I hate being me, who does this.

I hate being me, who does this and expects change.

I hate being me.



I am my own worst enemy. And I don't like it.

I hate it.

I want to be right, for myself.
I want to do what needs to be done for myself.

I love God.
If I didn't, believe I'd be gone.


I don't want to play my own game anymore.
The more I keep going, the more I believe the bullshit I come up with, and the more disappointed I become. Disappointed at life, and my potential, with myself, at myself.

I've got problems. And they make me throw up.

It's alright. It's ...alright.

I uh, should write out my notice, and give it to them tomorrow.

I'm ..unhappy there.

Hm.


I hate Embassy Apartments. But.. if you're looking for a studio apartment, I can assist you with that, ha. ;)


I'm getting better and better ideas.

I need a little bit of time to uh, get that kind of stuff done.


Hm.
I wonder if they'll do me the favor of just telling me to not come back.


:/

I can't decide if I want to wear heels today, or not.

My feet hurt.

I have a ten hour day.

I think I'd better wear them. I haven't wore 'em in like, two weeks.
I'm slackin' in style. Well, you know.. almost, at least.


I feel a bit better now. I'm going to try to go in with a positive attitude, blank slate kind of shit.

Sigh.

After work, I'll get to go straight home, though.. Which will make me happier.


I really thought I knew just what kind of girl I am. I ..really have no idea.

WTF TRUE>

Your personal ruling planets are Venus and Uranus.You're a social dynamo with a grand expression of love, warmth and vitality, wherever you go.In your social and love life you may find it just a little difficult at times to find partners that can keep up with your lively nature. As well, you have a most erratic and spontaneous tendency...you know..."Lets go to Niagara Falls...now!!"Your progressive ideas will be noticed early in life and these talents can be put to great use if you could only proceed a step at a time. Don't scare people away with your radical ideas and demands for immediate support.Sudden rises and falls in your destiny require you to even out the peaks and troughs a little. 40th year appears magnificent.

51st post.

I'm sure that no one really prefers to read one of my long blog entries, but I feel it's necessary to warn you that this has serious potential of being just that. Don't feel obligated to read it.


So, I just watched Love Happens. I enjoyed the evening by myself... It's been a while since I've done the movie solo thing. It's a favorite hobby of mine, but I just haven't had time or validity for that. Ha.

Anyway. I cried at least three times throughout that movie.

I have realized recently-ish that I am way more of a complex person than what I give myself credit for a lot of times. I don't realize things about myself that maybe you already know or have noticed, and that really should make me feel uneasy, but I am actually so calm and drained right now that it just doesn't even matter either way to me.

I uh, have so much to say.

Is timing ANYone's forte?

Blarblarrr.

I had a DREAM where my back hurt. Lol. And, of course, it does.

I think I'm gonig to have to splurge a little, and have an Asian go at it for twelve minutes today.


Exercise!
Less eating!
More dresses!
Lay out in the sun!
Stick out the jobs.
Work on the wrist situation.
Pray aaaaaaaaaaaaa lot that I'll make enough money to cover all the things I'm going after.


Barkley Palaster is a bastard. With a semi-cool name.

You know what I don't like?

WHEN THINGS FALL ON MY HEAD REALLY HARD.

WAHHOO--

I like dresses. I like wearing dresses. I want more dresses.

I'm really going to appreciate it when the treadmill actually appears in my backroom. Lol

I'm nervous about what I'm going to do. But, I'm going to do it anyway.

I'm excited about what I've decided! I'm serious, and while I have another idea on the backburner, I am fully confident that I can do both if I work it out. :D

I'm nervous about the October trip, too.

And, I'm having a talk w a friend this evening. Because sometimes, even when people you love the most treat you the worst, you still don't want to go on without them. So, I've made the decision to keep those people, because they are who I love the most. And they mess up, and sometimes don't even care to notice, but ..I want them there anyway.

I need a new cord for my iPod, because Raine chewed it to the wire, and it won't work-- surprise, surprise!

I should go to the bank soon. Deposit both checks, two banks. Just paid for my October trip, woohoo!

I don't know about my wrist. Poor thing. I think I'm going to do the less beneficial. Which, no doubt, will leave me feeling awful soon enough, but ..I'm just ..I don't know.

I am more of a girl than what I realized. I get dewey eyelashes more often than I ever have. I blush easier than what I cared to notice. I like dressing up! I like things. Girly things. (Not pink, I'm not that gay, gahd. But other girly things!)

Stuff is good, and getting better.

Me and Dakota are friends.

Maybe, just.. maybe..

I'm being given these ..options..? or ..curveballs..? because I'm being given the other chance.

It's a test to see if I make the right decision this time.

I've got good options to work with, but will I do the right thing?

Or will I do bad again?

and again.

and..again..

So..

I got cable and internet today. :D

And I cleaned my bathroom out. :D

And I took a really long shower and used about 40 mintues to get the tangles out of my motorcycle'd hair.

I'm a little confused about something, but I'm going to take the time to figure out my true feelings. Which is hard for me, we're all very well-aware. I'm going to, though. Not just for me, but ..for you, too.

I've got a good birthday idea. Not my birthday. But, you'll see.

I really love my cat. She's sweet and adorable, and really soft.

NCIS has put me in a great mood tonight. LOVE IT. And surprise Starbucks drinks. :)

I love my family.

I'm excited that things are getting better for me.

I wish people could be a little more tolerant of religion. I wish what I thought mattered, in that way.

I'm in a good mood tonight. I like commercials. I miss certain times. I want to do things, fix some things, redo some things, relive the life. I'm working on that. Haha

Just wait. You'll see, soon.

Yes, sir.

My track back:

I am now a happy house-renter.

I now work 2 jobs, and an additional every so often.

I am driving a temporary vehicle, until who knows when.

I am on the search for another SuperScooter.


Future endeavors:

I'll be going to train in January or February.


Things to do/get:

Next pay, I'm ordering my passport.

I'm working on obtaining either a piano or a keyboard.

I'm teaching myself basic Italian, French (again), Greek, and Latin.

I want a karoke machine, and the movies: Ratatoille and He's Just Not That Into You.

Last night's dream:

Stephen Scene:

-I ran to catch up with Alice, who’d gotten tired of standing there waiting (with no idea of my intentions) and walked the sidewalk down towards the ice cream line. I ran and said “hey!” and lightly tossed myself on her back (not jumping on her back, just almost hugging her from behind, with unexpected force). She turned and smiled at me, and we walked together towards Ben, who was already waiting in line (last, of course). He was leaning his back against one of the columns, just smiling calmly, looking around.

-We stood there, patiently waiting for a minute, and then my bubbly-explosive good-mood moment kicked in again, and I just smiled bigger and bigger, looking at Ben looking all cute smiling so happily at nothing, and I used my excited-voice and said “Ben, you are ADORABLE. Just look at how cute you are! I love it!” and hugged him and let go just as fast, but all the while with a huge smile on my face, eyes lit up. He just laughed and kept smiling, looking towards the ground for a few seconds, then continued as he was.

-I stood there, glancing around, trying to get a feel for what’s around me in every direction (I like to be completely aware of my surroundings when possible), and that’s when I saw him. Not too far up the wiggly-line, Stephen Lang stood waiting, too. And he wasn’t alone, I saw. I couldn’t be sure of who was actually WITH him, but I could tell that about two guys behind/beside him were passing things out to strangers while they waited. I didn’t care about that, but I couldn’t really take my eyes off of Stephen. I have a gawking issue, and it kicks in almost doubly when I notice someone that didn’t exactly treat me right, unexpectedly. I finally pulled my eyes away.

-At some point, as the line kept moving, step by step, inch by inch, the random strangers between my little group and his little group kept dwindling (from the irritation of waiting in line for so long), and eventually, I was standing close enough behind him to see that the guys were handing out post-cards to advertise a big party coming up. (I kept myself as distanced from Stephen as I could, seeing as I’m sure he’d have the balls to holler over to me a “hey! What’s up?!” and then go back to acting like I wasn’t there not five seconds later, but I really wasn’t interested.) When the guys passed out the cards to the people in front of the people in front of me, they glanced up and saw me, and hurriedly just thrust the cards into the people in front of me’s hands, and didn’t socialize about it, then walked the few steps back to stand beside/behind Stephen, and just occasionally glanced back, only in my direction (as if to see if I was still standing there).

-My irritation was building. Of course Stephen had known I was there, too. Of course I hadn’t NOT noticed him making quick looks behind him, only to shoot his eyes STRAIGHT forward once more. And the girl to his left probably was entirely clueless. My irritation built to anger. I was just so angry. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. After one of the guys glanced back at me, AGAIN, I yelled “HEY, what’s the issue, bud? Don’t WE get a postcard?!” And they tried to play it off like they didn’t hear me, and just gave each other shocked looks instead. So, I took a step forward, kind of nosying the people in front of me’s cards, and said “Oh, cool! That’s this weekend! Man, let me get one of those cards! Can I?” And one of the guys turned slightly, and just gave me a look as if saying “Girl, what are you doing? Just stop, you know to stop.”

-The line started moving a little more. Stephen and the girl went with the line, him moving in angles to where he could be focused on her body, but to where he could easily, without suspicion, turn to look at me. The guys went forward more slowly, and when they ended up between the people in front of me, I grabbed one guy’s upper arm/shoulder, and he turned to me (not meanly, not nicely) and I said “hey?” and he said “You know I can’t give this to you. I’m not giving you one, okay? So stop.” And I FUMED.

-I yelled “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T GIVE ME ONE? IT’S A FUCKING POSTCARD TO A PARTY.” He didn’t answer me. I knew at least the back 1/3 of the line had the ability to hear me yelling—including Stephen and his new girl. I let the heat rise to the back of my throat, and reach my ears, and my cheeks, and yelled “Oh WAIT. You mean you don’t WANT me at your party? WHY IS THAT? Is it even your party? No… (glancing at the postcards in his hand), it sure isn’t even your party. So, wtf, man?” Nothing. “HAHA, ALRIGHT.” I went to back up one step, holding my hands up like I didn’t want them to come at me swinging (even though that wasn’t even what was going to happen, I can easily assure). I yelled “It’s because of STEEEEEPHEN, RIGHT?! Stephen’s going to the party, and he doesn’t want me to come, RIGHT? Hahaha…”

-Stephen looked back, and looked back at the girl. The guys didn’t say anything, just kind of looked down in confirmation. I patted the guy’s arm once, and said softer, “It’s okay. I don’t go to parties anymore anyway. I just wanted to know.” I just looked at them for a second, looked towards the ground, and backed up, to stand with Alice and Ben again. The guys moved slowly towards Stephen again, and stopped. We all kept waiting for our damn ice cream. I was sad. All over again. Thanks to Stephen, all over again.

-Finally, hurt and still a bit angry, we made our way through the line (the concrete swirvy, and the line just as much so), got my ice creams and was waiting to go back. I was alone at this point, Alice had gone when she’d gotten her ice cream, as had Ben with his. The movie was probably starting, and it’d’ve been rude to make them wait. I stood sideways towards the counter, with the ice cream to my left and a swirvy, resting area to my right (where there were some tables and chairs, and a lot of empty standing space. Stephen, amongst a huge group of standers, was over there forming a crowd. He didn’t have ice cream. He’s vegan. Ha.

-I was at the very end of the line, finally, and I had just swiped my card to pay out, and this bigger guy was on the very very end, holding his ice cream, standing right in front of the little exit swing-door. I put my hand on this guy’s chest/upper-shoulder (keep in mind that this is the way I move in crowds always, and people generally get the idea that I’m wanting past them, or needing them to make space for me), because he was blocking my exit-path (expecting him to budge slightly to let me through). He looked at me for a second, but didn’t move. He hadn’t given me a look of confusion, so I didn’t understand the miscommunication. I just stared at him, kind of waiting, and nothing! He just looked down, and got down to tie his shoe, holding his ice cream in his big mouth.

-Even with him hunched over to tie his shoe, I was only my shoulders and head taller than that version of him, and could do nothing but stand there. I got pissed off and said “Get out of my WAY. You’re obviously RIGHT where I need to go, so MOVE, asshole!” And he looked kind of shocked when he looked up at me, and was like “Geez, well, I didn’t know.” And stood up slowly (possibly trying to be intimidating, but unaware that I was past being anything but pissy at this point in the ice cream area).

-As I pushed past him and his irritated facial expression, I kept raising my voice, word by word, as I got huffy and said “What do you MEAN? You think I just touch people for FUN?!” I looked over at Stephen, who must’ve felt my gaze because he looked up too, and I yelled, loud and proud and firm (looked back at the big guy) “I DON’T. TOUCH. PEOPLE. FOR FUN. (looked at Stephen, made eye contact and continued on, smoothly) ….I DON’T TOUCH FOR—F U N.” I put a little proud smirk on my face during the last second of our eye-contact (all the while, he held a neutral know-nothing look on his face), turned on my heel and pushed past the big guy and the swinging door, and walked away, feeling totally relieved and proud.

Note to Self:

Feel like shit because you only have 2 friends that were willing to help you pack, and neither are going to Heaven w you.

PS, Feel like shit because one of the two has a crush on you, and you're about to probably lose him as a friend because he's not a Christian and you refuse to be w a non-, and because you're about to have a boyfriend, and it's going to hurt him.

PSS, Great job in life so far, Tab. You're really starting to fucking suck.



Sincerely,
Self.

Shower nonsense.

After work today, I came home, made some spaghetti, ate some and drank some milk, then ate a couple of Chips Ahoy cookies, all while watching Alfie.

After eating, I laid down on my little bed, in front of the TV, to finish watching the movie. As it went on and on, I got sadder and sadder, because you see, earlier today at work, a few of us were sitting together, talking about (well, I was listening) their ‘slut’ phases in life. One woman said that she wasn’t a whore until after high school (which made everyone laugh, and begin the conversation in the first place), and a younger, but older than me, said that she was a slut while IN high school. I enjoyed hearing them talk, and it was like they talked as if it was a phase every woman goes through.

I didn’t have a slut stage yet. I was scared to death of physical contact, and even the idea of it, in high school. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was eighteen and a half, and I had to be stoned just to do that.

Anyway. I was thinking about it, and I was getting weird, for some strange reason, seeing as Alfie’s a movie about a manwhore learning lessons, and I’m not even close to being like that, and I still felt. And I couldn’t relate to the women I work with, but I still felt. And, it’s so odd and almost awkward for me, hearing how people I knew so long ago have already been married and are in the middle of getting divorced, while I still have yet to date since my Mark mishappen.
I don’t agree with divorce. I mean, sometimes it is inevitable, sure, I can understand and see that, but in general, no. I don’t think two people should get married, on a whim, or without the serious intent on dedicating their lives to staying together through thick and thin, until they die. That’s marriage, to me. I really think it’s sad that it’s taken so lightly these days, or at least with my generation.

Uhm, what this blog is about is what I thought after the movie was over. I felt cold. Kind of chilly. I took a really hot shower to get rid of my feeling, and it didn’t exactly fix it. I ended up sitting inside my shower, with the hot water running over my head, just thinking. I haven’t had a slut phase. I won’t ever have a slut phase, because I don’t feel comfortable in that way. I am totally grateful for how I look, and the assets I’ve been given, but ..I’m just really really not that kind of girl, and I won’t ever be.

I also thought about how I don’t even date. I thought of how I really do have commitment issues, or have had this whole time, and hadn’t realized it until sort of recently to now. How I’m scared that I’ll be with someone and it won’t work out, and it’d’ve wasted my time and effort, and hurt my heart. I’m scared that something better might come along, and I’ll already be tied down, or feel some sort of obligation towards a person.

Then I thought of marriage again. How I know I’d rather be like, 25 before any of those things like marriage, baby, house, career, etc. Who would I marry? Do I really expect for someone to go out of their way for me? Of course I do, but do I really expect for someone to go out of their way for me time and time again because I keep turning them down, or start avoiding them because I know just what they’re after? Come on. How could a person be so blind as to pass so many great guys up because they’re so nice or because they seem distant or because they seem too anything? It’s obviously as ignorant as people doing everything else that people do, while knowing they’re getting farther and farther away from what they want and what they think they deserve, but keep pushing themselves away from the good only to get closer and closer to the bad each time. We run from the good stuff. Why? Why do I run from the good stuff? I don’t want to anymore.

I’m not a cuddler, it’s true. It’s been that way for quite some time. I think that I have the potential to be cuddly, but I really don’t feel like putting myself in such a vulnerable state. I was pretty cuddly with Mark, and with Stephen. Stephen did me wrong, and it hurt me and pushed me even farther away from being so willing and open with a person. Things happen, no doubt, but I am not really good at moving on without having learned my lesson.
I think that I’m happy with me, with the life I’m able to provide for myself. I’m happy with what I’ve been given, and who I have in my life, for the most part (naturally, I wish that I would have more time with my best friends, and that they wouldn’t forget about me when they get busy with their lives, and I wish that I had someone reliable in terms of boyfriendage, and I wish that I had equal time with people who truly care about me as I have with working and my alone time, but hey, there are never enough hours in the day, you know). I think maybe, just maybe, it’s time to breathe a little easier. I’m trying to move towards contentment, and allow things to happen without me feeling concerned or planned out. I’m trying to ease myself into easy-happies, and I’m doing fairly well.

I just think that maybe it’s time to stop tensing up when someone thinks that they care about me. Even though I feel like they won’t sooner than later, why not let them find that out? Why not allow them to pretend for just a little while, if that’s all that they’re doing? Why not grasp it while I have the opportunity, even if I just have to go from boyfriend to boyfriend like everyone else? Why do I pass up the good guy? The guy that had a crush on me when no one even noticed me? The ones who always had something nice and sweet to say even when I had a bad time or experience? Why do I feel like I don’t want to give them their chance just because once they decide that they don’t like me anymore that I won’t have them, or that part of them anymore? It’s selfish, obviously, but I’ve come to terms with that way before now. But really, wouldn’t giving them those chances allow me to get through the “what ifs” and “just maybes” and limit my true options down one by one? I want a nice guy! Why not start with them? Why on earth go through all the trouble of dealing with bad guy after bad guy all the while, hoping that he’s actually a good guy and that I’ll bring that out in him? No way, Jose, shit doesn’t work like that. Wake up, smell the coffee.

We’ll see. I’m not backing down. And I’m not giving up my standards of him being responsible, loyal, considerate/sweet, CHRISTIAN, and preferably independent—so if that ain’t you, then you ain’t who I’m lookin’ for. DEUCES.

Inspired.

I might want to be a teacher. Seriously.
(High school. Probably English. Or typing. LOL)

I still want to be a flight attendant.

Just for an update.

I'm getting happier and happier.
I don't want to ruin anything, but I feel pretty great in life, and I really feel like things are just going in the right direction for me.

I'm not going to sit here, and type that I'm totally happy with everything ever, and that I've got it all figured out this time, and that I'm set on a path and a plan for sure, because it simply isn't true, completely.

I can, however, honestly say that I am happy with my day-to-day life with work (all three of them), my family, my random circles of friends that change every so often, my pleasures, my possessions, my stable cat.

=====

I like knowing that I have a set-schedule at my main job, only about ten random hours at my new, nice job, and a steady one night a week plus benefits fun job.

I like going to OC on Wednesdays to hang out, late-ish at night w my sister and her Christian friends.

I like getting on the floor and laying right next to my cat while she naps.

I like going for ice cream and to a movie every two weeks or so, just to have some me-time.

I like praying when I wake up, and praying before I go to sleep, and thinking about and talking to God all the time throughout my day, saying sorry for doing something or saying something it's too late to take back, but soon enough to have realized it was wrong. Talking to Him like I'm talking to a friend, a reliable person in my life. Thanking Him for each little good thing I get my way, even a green light when I'm already running a little late. I like it.

I like my hair, and I like the things I have, and I like who I am and what I look like, and how people see me, and how I can be so blendable. I'm in everyone's league. That's a pretty cool thing.

I don't know why I stressed out so much about things. I wish I wouldn't've. I wish I could go back to junior high and rock out, and go back to high school and just be ..me. I WAS me-- don't get me wrong-- but I was the me who was stretching myself out as far as I could go, trying to experiment and figure things out, trying to grasp things that might help me along the way to wherever it is that I'm going, ..but like I said, I wouldn't've had to do that. I could've just BEEN. And that's really just being me. Just being is being.

Anyway.
Laundry calls.

I also like Dark Chocolate Snickers. Which, for the record, are slightly noticably smaller than regular Snickers, and even Milky Ways. Which is some serious crap, btw. ;P Later.

This was originally private, but.. ha.

I am a sweet girl. A sweet person, really. 13 Going On 30 makes me feel good. The movie makes me feel better no matter how hard of a day I am having, no matter what happened. After seeing it, even after one thousand viewings, I still feel inspired each time! I feel ready to take on the world, show everyone what I’m made of—what the possibilities of human beings actually are. I think that I can relate to Jenna Rink in the way that I, deep down, really am that sweet person who is quirky and fun, and different, but normal. I didn’t really lose a huge chunk of my life, like she did, but maybe somewhere, I did lose myself. Maybe I took the wrong turn when I started feeling the need to show that I’d be able to embrace myself as an outcast and an outsider. I started drinking and smoking pot when I was fourteen. A year before that, I was “gothic” (however that really went). I don’t really remember much of my life before then. I feel like I stepped away from myself, my truth, and just got carried away, as I do.

It’s nearly uncommon for me to not go all-out if I go at all, I’m well aware. My mom thinks that I have an addictive personality. I don’t. I think that maybe my work ethic just gets out of hand sometimes. A lot of times, probably. I put myself into everything that I believe, that I want, that I plan for, that I think about. I may’ve been scared that I wasn’t the same as other people, and I didn’t want to be afraid of myself, so I took what I knew and transformed it, enhanced it. I enhanced it too much, too many times. I lost who I was, and I’ve become someone new, someone different. A druggy, a girl who partied too much, who got alcohol-poisoning, who was probably a slut (this one is a definite myth, let it be known), a nobody trying so hard to be a somebody, a …failure.

Let me be the one to set things straight, right now, right after having watched my 13 Going On 30: I am not a failure. I am not just a druggy, just a party-girl has-been, I’m more than you know, I’m more than I remember being, more than I know how to show yet. I’m nice, and I’m normal, and I’m regular, and I’m invisible sometimes, and I can be sweet on accident, and I’m sensitive, and I’m slightly misunderstood. I’m not really that different than you, or anyone else, I just …pushed myself to be. A year or two ago, I remember thinking about how it felt to be normal, and I got afraid that I wouldn’t be remembered, or that I wouldn’t matter anymore, that I’d just fade away. There is no reason for me to feel so afraid of those things happening to me.

I deserve to be how I was when I was five. I deserve to just say things, without trying to add some edge, add some sarcasm, add some humor. I deserve to have brown hair and brown eyes, to be 5’6, to be pale, to have tiny hands and cold feet. I deserve to wear pink if I feel like wearing pink, to wear a dress if I want. I deserve to take pleasure in simple, normal things, without feeling naive or looked down upon. I deserve to not have to overthink my actions and words and thoughts and conversations and friendships and relationships with everyone. I wasn’t sure what I really deserved—what anyone really deserves—until right now. I do deserve those things. And I deserve respect, as a person. I deserve to be heard, to be hugged. And I forgot, and I drifted, and I have red/purple hair now, and tattoos all over my body, and I do drugs, and I have friends that mostly all do drugs, and I’m known for those tattoos and for those drugs that I’ve done. I want more. I want less of what I have, and more of everything else. I’m more.

And, I’m going to be honest and admit to having hurt people along the path I chose, and to have done bad things, but I am truly sorry for all of that, and to each of you. I am so sorry for taking things that have been said for granted, and just nodding and saying “yeah, that sucks.” I’m not that air-headed, and you didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry for letting you go so easily. I’m sorry for pushing you away so hard. I’m sorry for holding a grudge against you. I’m sorry for never forgiving you. I’m sorry for never saying sorry. I’m sorry that you never really knew me, that you only knew who I wanted you to know. I’m sorry for lying.

Couldn't write for weeks, and this is what I explode with? <:/

You know, sometimes, I feel like I know who I am because of who I’ve been and what I’ve been left with. When I think this way, I feel secure and aware.

I was a party-girl, really. I enjoyed going to parties, mingling, making new friends, being loud with my old ones. I would drink, if someone offered (and of course, someone always offered). And if I did drink (which, I wouldn’t go to a party unless I knew I was guaranteed something to do), I would drink as much as I could, as fast as I could. If I was going for it, I was going for it for real. I drink to get drunk. Let me be the first to tell you, I am a very, very fun drunk. I’m not obnoxious, I’m not hateful, I’m not rude—I’m actually quite funny, goofy, carefree and the life of the party. I also enjoy drugs, which I got into heavier at some point. If there were drugs around, I’d be around—if there were people doing drugs, they would find me and offer, and I think we’ve been through this: I don’t turn down offers. I’d sniff something if someone I was good friends with did it first without knowing that’s what I was waiting for. I’d take pills in the same situation. I’d do shrooms. I’d probably do just about anything other than heroine and meth. I was intelligent and responsible enough to not do drugs and drink alcohol at the same time, thankfully, but man. Parties were where it was at for me. For the majority of the time I’ve been being who I am.

Things have changed. I can say, truthfully, that things have changed more than once. And I’m not really sure which way is best, I feel like I know, but I really feel like I should’ve forced myself to hold out longer before accepting the truth.

Sure, yeah, I’ve stopped drinking and gone into my drug phase. Yeah, I’ve gotten busted for drugs and went back to drinking. Yeah yeah, I’ve been conflicted when given the option of doing both at the same time, and made decisions according to the actual position it would be putting me in. And, I’ve stopped doing everything for some amount of time. I went to parties again, for some reason, and drank again. I stopped.

I got alcohol poisoning, and fell on a porch. Went from standing up straight as could be, and was completely conscious and aware when my entire body collapsed under me, and I landed heavily on a wooden porch, on my side, throwing up all over my arm, into my hand, waiting those very long, long seconds until someone would come to pick me up from the ground. Yeah, I drank. I partied. That’s who I was. That’s what I was good at.

I stopped drinking again. I started doing drugs again. I did drugs a lot with my “best friends.” One would have parties every single weekend, and drugs galore (and alcohol, too, of course, but I’d deny, as previously explained) were brought to be served as a buffet to me, and boy was I hungry for it. I went through a best friend, the love of a lifetime, through the mess of a lifetime, and somewhere at the end, I quit. I couldn’t do something that hurt me, that led someone else—let alone two someone else’s—hurt me.

I drank at an old friend’s birthday party, side-by-side with two great friends. I had a blast. I sword-fought with Rockband drumsticks. I threw up. I was plastered. People took care of me. The birthday boy took care of me. I did drugs again. I didn’t really stop this time, I just faded in and out. I had some good times; I had some steady, scheduled good times, too. I’ve gone from friends to friends, and now I’m here, I suppose.

I don’t want to drink anymore. I’ll have a cash-bar at my wedding, but I won’t be utilizing it. I won’t be drinking on my twenty-first, simply because I don’t want to. I don’t like the taste of alcohol; I don’t like the thickness in my throat. Of course I like the drowsy, weird feeling that you get when you’re about to lose control of your vision and your speech. Of course I like the way I let my tongue be released, and let it say what it wants, and not feeling about giving it its own time. But it isn’t enough for me to put myself in such a state that I’m unable to fully protect myself. It’s not enough for me to put my body through hell a few hours after and even for days afterwards. I like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent person, and I know when to stop being a fool despite the fun factor.

The point is: I don’t know if I like who I am very much without my ability to go to a party and actually enjoy it. My friends know my past, they know who I was, who I’ve become to be. They know that they can tell me stories of all kinds, because I can understand, I can relate, I can listen without feeling as if I have the ability to judge. My family knows my past, my struggles, a lot of my situations. From my grandparents to my little brother, they all know where I’ve been, and they know that I change from day to day, hour to hour, and that everything that has ever been, has the opportunity to take its place with me once again at any given time. They all know—you all know—that I’m a loose cannon, a rollercoaster ride. I am probably the only one who forgets that from time to time.

I have God in my heart now, more than what I have had. I am closer to Him than I have been. I don’t give Him up when I smoke pot, when I do my drugs. I don’t forget about Him, and I make it a point to try very hard to think about how wonderful He’s made everything for me when I am wasted, because I know that that’s why we aren’t supposed to be un-sober.

I just… have the issue to where I don’t go to “parties” anymore because I don’t feel comfortable there. I don’t feel like it’s cool, in any sense of the word, and I don’t understand why people destroy themselves and refer to it as having been a “good time.” I don’t like that some people try to complicate things sometimes and blame it on being drunk, how some people try to place their actions and words off of something that someone else said in their drunken-state, even if that isn’t even close to how that should’ve and could’ve been taken. I don’t like it when some people try to pressure others into doing things, whether it’s drinking some more, drinking at all, smoking, taking any drugs, making-out, telling them things that isn’t any of their business, kissing/making-out/having sex, all of it, any of it. I don’t like it, and I don’t like being at a party and being sober, and noticing all of those things happening.

I don’t like going to a party and blending in with the wall. I feel invisible half the time as it is, why should I have to endure a party-like atmosphere and feel nonexistent there? And have to deal with seeing all of these things, and seeing people treat their bodies like shit while they willingly punish themselves and call it a “good time”? I don’t want to do it. I don’t like to do it.
And it makes me feel sad, and confused, and lost, as does a lot of things at this point in my life. I feel sad knowing that I can’t allow myself to be set free sometimes, even being totally aware that it’s taking a substance to give me that. I feel sad not being able to keep up with living my legacy. I feel confused because I don’t know how to say no to going to a party, when that’s what I’m known for, what I’m expected to be doing. I feel confused because that’s who I was, who got me to who I am now. But, I’m confused and lost because I can’t even push myself into that spot right now. I can’t even force myself in, with the hopes of it turning out like it always did. It’s like trying to squeeze myself between the wall and my refrigerator—there’s no having it. What do I do if I don’t do what I’ve always done? Where do I go if I don’t go where I’m allowed, expected, anticipated, and welcomed fully?

Why can’t I allow myself to have a good time? Because I feel so connected? Because I feel like there are more important things to be focused on during those blurry times? Because I have too much going on to just fuck it all off? Because I know that He loves me more than you guys do… Because I know that one day, it’s not going to be hard to just BE… Because I know that I’m more than just a piece in a party. Because I deserve more than what drugs and alcohol can give me, more than what anyone can give me. More than what anyone is trying to give me. More than what I’m being offered, more than what I’m saying yes to, more than what I’m refusing? I can’t be perfect. I can’t stay on top of it. I can’t be who He made me to be, who I’m supposed to be. I can’t do what I feel like I should be doing, because then I lose me, and even though I’m supposed to be okay with that, I can’t let go of me.

Everything I worked through, all the things I’ve gone through, everything I’ve learned, all that I am and ever was? I can’t give it up yet. I can’t surrender everything that I’m familiar with to end up in a position to where there isn’t a single person that I can turn to, and know that they’re in the boat with me, someone to truly relate to, someone to look up to, I can’t be any more alone that what I am already. And if I give up me, I give up a very good friend. If I give up everything forever, I give up a lot of good friends. If I give up everything else, I’m where I am now, and that’s led me to this.

I’ll know what to do some day. I’ll be even more relieved then, than I was on Tuesday, when God gave me this life to start over. More relieved than when I did everything I could do, then gave every problem, every worry, every stress, every situation to Him, and just let it all go, a week ago. More relieved than I was when I got saved for the first, true time, when I breathed in for the first time, to receive real air with real lungs. When I heard His name and smiled every time, because I knew that He was with me, and because He loved me and I wasn’t ignorant about it, and because He looks out for me more than I can even look out for myself. I’ll know what to do some day. And then I won’t feel like a failure anymore. And I won’t feel out of place, sad, confused, or lost. I won’t feel betrayed. I won’t feel so alone. And that’s how I feel right now, and that’s how you leave me to feel.