Shower nonsense.

After work today, I came home, made some spaghetti, ate some and drank some milk, then ate a couple of Chips Ahoy cookies, all while watching Alfie.

After eating, I laid down on my little bed, in front of the TV, to finish watching the movie. As it went on and on, I got sadder and sadder, because you see, earlier today at work, a few of us were sitting together, talking about (well, I was listening) their ‘slut’ phases in life. One woman said that she wasn’t a whore until after high school (which made everyone laugh, and begin the conversation in the first place), and a younger, but older than me, said that she was a slut while IN high school. I enjoyed hearing them talk, and it was like they talked as if it was a phase every woman goes through.

I didn’t have a slut stage yet. I was scared to death of physical contact, and even the idea of it, in high school. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was eighteen and a half, and I had to be stoned just to do that.

Anyway. I was thinking about it, and I was getting weird, for some strange reason, seeing as Alfie’s a movie about a manwhore learning lessons, and I’m not even close to being like that, and I still felt. And I couldn’t relate to the women I work with, but I still felt. And, it’s so odd and almost awkward for me, hearing how people I knew so long ago have already been married and are in the middle of getting divorced, while I still have yet to date since my Mark mishappen.
I don’t agree with divorce. I mean, sometimes it is inevitable, sure, I can understand and see that, but in general, no. I don’t think two people should get married, on a whim, or without the serious intent on dedicating their lives to staying together through thick and thin, until they die. That’s marriage, to me. I really think it’s sad that it’s taken so lightly these days, or at least with my generation.

Uhm, what this blog is about is what I thought after the movie was over. I felt cold. Kind of chilly. I took a really hot shower to get rid of my feeling, and it didn’t exactly fix it. I ended up sitting inside my shower, with the hot water running over my head, just thinking. I haven’t had a slut phase. I won’t ever have a slut phase, because I don’t feel comfortable in that way. I am totally grateful for how I look, and the assets I’ve been given, but ..I’m just really really not that kind of girl, and I won’t ever be.

I also thought about how I don’t even date. I thought of how I really do have commitment issues, or have had this whole time, and hadn’t realized it until sort of recently to now. How I’m scared that I’ll be with someone and it won’t work out, and it’d’ve wasted my time and effort, and hurt my heart. I’m scared that something better might come along, and I’ll already be tied down, or feel some sort of obligation towards a person.

Then I thought of marriage again. How I know I’d rather be like, 25 before any of those things like marriage, baby, house, career, etc. Who would I marry? Do I really expect for someone to go out of their way for me? Of course I do, but do I really expect for someone to go out of their way for me time and time again because I keep turning them down, or start avoiding them because I know just what they’re after? Come on. How could a person be so blind as to pass so many great guys up because they’re so nice or because they seem distant or because they seem too anything? It’s obviously as ignorant as people doing everything else that people do, while knowing they’re getting farther and farther away from what they want and what they think they deserve, but keep pushing themselves away from the good only to get closer and closer to the bad each time. We run from the good stuff. Why? Why do I run from the good stuff? I don’t want to anymore.

I’m not a cuddler, it’s true. It’s been that way for quite some time. I think that I have the potential to be cuddly, but I really don’t feel like putting myself in such a vulnerable state. I was pretty cuddly with Mark, and with Stephen. Stephen did me wrong, and it hurt me and pushed me even farther away from being so willing and open with a person. Things happen, no doubt, but I am not really good at moving on without having learned my lesson.
I think that I’m happy with me, with the life I’m able to provide for myself. I’m happy with what I’ve been given, and who I have in my life, for the most part (naturally, I wish that I would have more time with my best friends, and that they wouldn’t forget about me when they get busy with their lives, and I wish that I had someone reliable in terms of boyfriendage, and I wish that I had equal time with people who truly care about me as I have with working and my alone time, but hey, there are never enough hours in the day, you know). I think maybe, just maybe, it’s time to breathe a little easier. I’m trying to move towards contentment, and allow things to happen without me feeling concerned or planned out. I’m trying to ease myself into easy-happies, and I’m doing fairly well.

I just think that maybe it’s time to stop tensing up when someone thinks that they care about me. Even though I feel like they won’t sooner than later, why not let them find that out? Why not allow them to pretend for just a little while, if that’s all that they’re doing? Why not grasp it while I have the opportunity, even if I just have to go from boyfriend to boyfriend like everyone else? Why do I pass up the good guy? The guy that had a crush on me when no one even noticed me? The ones who always had something nice and sweet to say even when I had a bad time or experience? Why do I feel like I don’t want to give them their chance just because once they decide that they don’t like me anymore that I won’t have them, or that part of them anymore? It’s selfish, obviously, but I’ve come to terms with that way before now. But really, wouldn’t giving them those chances allow me to get through the “what ifs” and “just maybes” and limit my true options down one by one? I want a nice guy! Why not start with them? Why on earth go through all the trouble of dealing with bad guy after bad guy all the while, hoping that he’s actually a good guy and that I’ll bring that out in him? No way, Jose, shit doesn’t work like that. Wake up, smell the coffee.

We’ll see. I’m not backing down. And I’m not giving up my standards of him being responsible, loyal, considerate/sweet, CHRISTIAN, and preferably independent—so if that ain’t you, then you ain’t who I’m lookin’ for. DEUCES.