Q: Do alcoholics have withdrawal?
Perhaps addicts don't feel like they're "addicts" because to them, they need what they're addicted to.. to be the way they enjoy being, or to endure life the way that certain substance or thing provides aid for. To them, it's just an edit to life- an alteration that they're choosing. And they're choosing so, because they fancy it much better- or at least some better. They think they're controlling it, and maybe they are! Outsiders are so privvy to be against every thing ever (just along different parts of one enormous timeline), that we see what someone is doing, ..and if WE aren't doing it, then it's "wrong" and *there has to be a word to describe that wrong* (*: thoughts): "..addiction." Really though, ..we are all individuals. We're each proud to claim that when it comes in handy/best suits us, but when it comes to other people, or our faults, our blametudes, our issues, and our coping-mechanisms, decisions, alterations, ideas, and tools even, --we're gawked at, accused of blasphemy, and we're put aside to be mocked and humiliated and to be questioned severly, usually, as if we are wrong. As if we are "addicts." When really, ..all we're doing is taking care of our individual self, in the way that works best for who we are and who we want to be and what we want to live like, and experience.
All I'm saying is: fuck you.
8.15.2010
8.14.2010
145.
http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1897332443.html
**http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1896371755.html
*http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1896030077.html
**http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1895519095.html
http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1896778875.html
145+191= 150+186=200+136=336-150=186
-191.21 (12
+150.28 (6
=123
=73
25 (4
=98
-80 (3
+172.73 (28
http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1897236888.html
**http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1896371755.html
*http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1896030077.html
**http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1895519095.html
http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1896778875.html
145+191= 150+186=200+136=336-150=186
-191.21 (12
+150.28 (6
=123
=73
25 (4
=98
-80 (3
+172.73 (28
http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1897236888.html
8.10.2010
Shoes I want. Music I like.
http://www.atseoul.com/shop/item.php?it_id=1018769432
http://www.atseoul.com/shop/item.php?it_id=1203187304
---------
Cohen: I have a dream
Audie Darling
The Delano Orchestra
Hannah Fury: Scarborough Fair
Julie Feeney: You Bring Me Down
Nicole Simone
Nathan Larson
Kaada
Arms and Sleepers
The American Dollar
The Court and Spark
Interstellar
Faultline
TV on the Radio
*Kings of Convenience
http://www.atseoul.com/shop/item.php?it_id=1203187304
---------
Cohen: I have a dream
Audie Darling
The Delano Orchestra
Hannah Fury: Scarborough Fair
Julie Feeney: You Bring Me Down
Nicole Simone
Nathan Larson
Kaada
Arms and Sleepers
The American Dollar
The Court and Spark
Interstellar
Faultline
TV on the Radio
*Kings of Convenience
8.09.2010
Transfer'd.
9:55pm 10/19/04
mood: loved
This is the best day of my life so far..
I will start out by telling you about my day, then everytime (-) that sign comes up, that means it is something that neeeds to be known before I continue.
Okay, today, I went to church with Gram and Pop. I was almost asleep and then Pop gave me a piece of candy. I put it in my mouth and it was really nasty so I went to the bathroom to spit it out. On the way back, I peeked in the nursery and Tonya was in their with the two little girls. I stayed in there with her and watched them, too. We talked about her boyfriend and how Whitney was talking about me behind my back. i asked her if Zach was going to Santa Switch with her and she said she's going to ask him. Then, Gram came in and said that she was just checking on me since I never came back. Then a little later, Lindsay came in and told Tonya that baby Christopher's diaper needed changed, then she left. Tonyadid that and I put the girl's socks and shoes on them. Lindsay came back and said 'Thanks, Tonya, they were driving me insane.' then left. I was like YOUR WELCOME B*TCH! Then, church was over and they said that we have Christmas play practice tonight at 4. So I went to Mom's, because she told me that we would have spaghetti if I came, then we watched a gay ass movie on Indians..it was boring...and then it was timeto go. She took me and Josh to the church and I played with Christopher. Then everyone else got there and she told us what our assigned parts were. I am 'The Christian' and a speaker for a news station..I am cool with that..Then, when we were finished, unexpectedly, LadAwn came in and everyone was like 'LADAWN!' and I stood up and was like 'Ladawn?' and I said 'Are you here to take me?' and she said ya? and we left! We went to her church and had fun..I sat down and was totally unshy! and then everyone got there, and William came and I showed him the ring he gave me and he was happy, haha. (quater-FUCK-machine ring)
then ANYWAYS, Ladawn and me and Devon and Johnathon (sp?) and Alex were uin the dining room and Ladawn looked at me and said 'Tab? whose pick is that?' and I said 'Chris's' and she said 'oooh, is that your BOYFRIEND?' and I said 'nooo...?' and then I realized that she was trying to makie Alex jeoulous. hahaha. THEN
we went and played in the church for awhile, then we went and played in the parking lot..I watched and cheered..then we went back inside and I sat on a chair by Alex. Then I saw William on the couch and went and sat by him. Then Alex came over and sat on the arm of the couch (at the other end) and then I noticed J. standing aginst the wall listening to Alex play, then he came over and sat by me. I had my arm wrapped in William's and then J. accidently kicked my foot. I looked at him, and he didn't realize that he did anything. Then he did it again, he looked like he didn;t mean to, so I didn't say anything to him. Then he squeezed my shoe and I was like okay...aND i Put my legs on him and then he put his foot on mine. and then he moved his feet and layed himself next to me and his head was laying on my shoulder. Then William got up and went into another room and J. said 'you can scoot down if you want' and I started to, then I stopped and I said 'no, I am okay' and he kinda laughed and said 'ohh, you're okay, are you?' and Layed on me again. Then he sat up and put his arm around me and then he moved my legs and puthis ther hand under my knees. He then picked me up and sat me right on top of him, and Jessie came over and said 'That isn't allowed in our youth group' and he said 'what?' and she said 'no, no, no' and he said 'Okay' and moved his hand under my knees again and said 'there, now it looks like I am about to pick her up, except-sitting down.' and she said 'okay!' and left. Then he picked me up and carried me around the house...haha. and then he carried me outside because Alex took my shoes off me feet and ran outside. so we followed him (me still in his arms)and we got them back. Then we got yelled at and had to go inside and help clean. so he put me down and we helped then I ran outside because I noticed Ladawn and Jessie and Abby werwe all gone and they were in the back. I talked to them and they were like 'awww, we saw you, we saw you..' and I was so excited. Then we all went back to the front and everyone was coming out. so we stayed outside and J. came over to me and grabbed my hand, I said 'they;re cold' and he said ya they are..and he held my hands and we walked to the parking lot, on our way, Alex said 'bye everyone I love except for tab' and I said huh? because all I heard was my name..and he said jk, and I said what did you say? and he told me and I was like uh! and he said I would give you a hug but my hands are full (his guitar and Amp)..and then we all walked to Abby';s car because she wanted me to hear Frickin A, and he went with me and got behind me and out his arms around my waist..then CDevon and William came up and were doing the imaginary telephone thing and 'called' J. and he said hold on, I am going to four-way Tab...haha. BUT BEFORE THAT, BEOFRE ALEX SAID WHAT HE SAID, J. asked me how I was getting home, and I said Ladawn and he said Oh YA..BACK TO THE END-he had to leave.
*1.) He would have given me a ride home, yet he would not give Alex a ride (he had to go with Abby)
*2.) My first time even holding HANDS with a guy.
*3.) This was the BEST day EVERRRRR.
*4.) J. is a so[phmore at Castle... :(
*5.) I have not been able to stop smiling since all this happened....
*6.) It is so much better than you can even REALIZE even with this update!
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAsmYYNe
mood: loved
This is the best day of my life so far..
I will start out by telling you about my day, then everytime (-) that sign comes up, that means it is something that neeeds to be known before I continue.
Okay, today, I went to church with Gram and Pop. I was almost asleep and then Pop gave me a piece of candy. I put it in my mouth and it was really nasty so I went to the bathroom to spit it out. On the way back, I peeked in the nursery and Tonya was in their with the two little girls. I stayed in there with her and watched them, too. We talked about her boyfriend and how Whitney was talking about me behind my back. i asked her if Zach was going to Santa Switch with her and she said she's going to ask him. Then, Gram came in and said that she was just checking on me since I never came back. Then a little later, Lindsay came in and told Tonya that baby Christopher's diaper needed changed, then she left. Tonyadid that and I put the girl's socks and shoes on them. Lindsay came back and said 'Thanks, Tonya, they were driving me insane.' then left. I was like YOUR WELCOME B*TCH! Then, church was over and they said that we have Christmas play practice tonight at 4. So I went to Mom's, because she told me that we would have spaghetti if I came, then we watched a gay ass movie on Indians..it was boring...and then it was timeto go. She took me and Josh to the church and I played with Christopher. Then everyone else got there and she told us what our assigned parts were. I am 'The Christian' and a speaker for a news station..I am cool with that..Then, when we were finished, unexpectedly, LadAwn came in and everyone was like 'LADAWN!' and I stood up and was like 'Ladawn?' and I said 'Are you here to take me?' and she said ya? and we left! We went to her church and had fun..I sat down and was totally unshy! and then everyone got there, and William came and I showed him the ring he gave me and he was happy, haha. (quater-FUCK-machine ring)
then ANYWAYS, Ladawn and me and Devon and Johnathon (sp?) and Alex were uin the dining room and Ladawn looked at me and said 'Tab? whose pick is that?' and I said 'Chris's' and she said 'oooh, is that your BOYFRIEND?' and I said 'nooo...?' and then I realized that she was trying to makie Alex jeoulous. hahaha. THEN
we went and played in the church for awhile, then we went and played in the parking lot..I watched and cheered..then we went back inside and I sat on a chair by Alex. Then I saw William on the couch and went and sat by him. Then Alex came over and sat on the arm of the couch (at the other end) and then I noticed J. standing aginst the wall listening to Alex play, then he came over and sat by me. I had my arm wrapped in William's and then J. accidently kicked my foot. I looked at him, and he didn't realize that he did anything. Then he did it again, he looked like he didn;t mean to, so I didn't say anything to him. Then he squeezed my shoe and I was like okay...aND i Put my legs on him and then he put his foot on mine. and then he moved his feet and layed himself next to me and his head was laying on my shoulder. Then William got up and went into another room and J. said 'you can scoot down if you want' and I started to, then I stopped and I said 'no, I am okay' and he kinda laughed and said 'ohh, you're okay, are you?' and Layed on me again. Then he sat up and put his arm around me and then he moved my legs and puthis ther hand under my knees. He then picked me up and sat me right on top of him, and Jessie came over and said 'That isn't allowed in our youth group' and he said 'what?' and she said 'no, no, no' and he said 'Okay' and moved his hand under my knees again and said 'there, now it looks like I am about to pick her up, except-sitting down.' and she said 'okay!' and left. Then he picked me up and carried me around the house...haha. and then he carried me outside because Alex took my shoes off me feet and ran outside. so we followed him (me still in his arms)and we got them back. Then we got yelled at and had to go inside and help clean. so he put me down and we helped then I ran outside because I noticed Ladawn and Jessie and Abby werwe all gone and they were in the back. I talked to them and they were like 'awww, we saw you, we saw you..' and I was so excited. Then we all went back to the front and everyone was coming out. so we stayed outside and J. came over to me and grabbed my hand, I said 'they;re cold' and he said ya they are..and he held my hands and we walked to the parking lot, on our way, Alex said 'bye everyone I love except for tab' and I said huh? because all I heard was my name..and he said jk, and I said what did you say? and he told me and I was like uh! and he said I would give you a hug but my hands are full (his guitar and Amp)..and then we all walked to Abby';s car because she wanted me to hear Frickin A, and he went with me and got behind me and out his arms around my waist..then CDevon and William came up and were doing the imaginary telephone thing and 'called' J. and he said hold on, I am going to four-way Tab...haha. BUT BEFORE THAT, BEOFRE ALEX SAID WHAT HE SAID, J. asked me how I was getting home, and I said Ladawn and he said Oh YA..BACK TO THE END-he had to leave.
*1.) He would have given me a ride home, yet he would not give Alex a ride (he had to go with Abby)
*2.) My first time even holding HANDS with a guy.
*3.) This was the BEST day EVERRRRR.
*4.) J. is a so[phmore at Castle... :(
*5.) I have not been able to stop smiling since all this happened....
*6.) It is so much better than you can even REALIZE even with this update!
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAsmYYNe
Transfer'd. ESSAY
10:21pm 10/10/04 English Essay
mood: artistic
music: AFI
Tabytha Kalene Miller
Mrs. Skinner
English 9H-5
9 September 2004
Tabytha Kalene Miller Inside-Out
I am destroyed by the inside. I disassociate. I hope to destroy the outside. It will alleviate me and elevate me. Like water flowing into lungs, I'm flowing through these days. As morphine cuts through deadened veins, I'm numbing in these days. I know what died that night. It can never be brought back to life. Once again, I know, I know.
-AFI, Sing the Sorrow
Those song lyrics, sung by AFI, explains what I feel presently which is my third stage. My three lifetime events that have affected my life the most include; my prissy little girl stage, my rebellious stage, and my present stage.
In my first stage, I started out as a little girl who was absolutely perfect. I was a sweet, mannerly young lady. I loved pink and I loved shopping. My role models were my grandmother and sister. I looked up to my sister. She would always bail me out of trouble and be on my side no matter what-or so I thought. I was a naive child. I thought I really knew a lot. Everyone liked me and I was always influenced by my two role models and did everything I thought I was supposed to.
In my second stage, I realized that I knew absolutely nothing at all. I needed to learn everything from my own experiences instead of trusting others' judgments. I started out trying to prove myself worthy of being a special individual, unique in everyway. No one thought I was being true to myself and they hated what I was becoming. My family disapproved' my sister, LaDawn, pushed me into the 'Gothic' phase, which I enjoyed quite a bit. She approved of me for awhile until she abruptly changed her mind and decided that she did not agree that I was being myself, as well as the rest of the family. That is another time in which I realized that I was a naïve girl who knew nothing about the real facts of life. I figured out that nobody is one my side and is I was going to be myself no matter what it took then I would have to do it alone. I had very few friends and people considered me to be a 'poser'. I started hating everyone and everything. The only thing I had was music. I absolutely fell in love with the music that was introduced to me by LaDawn and her friends. That is one thing I will always be grateful for, the introduction of my life as it is presently.
I am currently into stage three of the most important events that have occurred throughout my life which really has no title. I am now at the point where I am trying to push back my depression and anger with happiness and the wonders of life. I constantly find myself trying searching for love and so far have been unsuccessful in doing so. I have found the majority of who I am and who I wish to be, and I am very proud of that. It took me a long time, but I know that most people will never even realize that they are not who they think they are. There is deepness in your inner being and it takes some time to find it. I found my strength which happens to be writing poetry and stories which I am starting to write a book called Suicide Letter. It is about my life story and how I have come to be who I am today. I am still very much in love with music, especially the depressing love songs by emo bands. I am currently trying to find myself in opinions of God; I am attending a Penecostal and Lutheran church. I am in favor of the Lutheran church so far. English is my favorite subject in school and I have not made up my mind about what I will become as an adult, but maybe an English teacher.
So I feel like I have had a delusion for a life and I am now beginning what I hope brings me happiness and a world worth living in. I remain wanting to change the way the world perceives people and children such as myself. The world will one day know who I am and what I am. I have a purpose and I appreciate every time someone takes the time to pay attention to me. I am getting one step closer each and every day to changing the world, be it through music or through my books or even my poetry. It will be done one day.
mood: artistic
music: AFI
Tabytha Kalene Miller
Mrs. Skinner
English 9H-5
9 September 2004
Tabytha Kalene Miller Inside-Out
I am destroyed by the inside. I disassociate. I hope to destroy the outside. It will alleviate me and elevate me. Like water flowing into lungs, I'm flowing through these days. As morphine cuts through deadened veins, I'm numbing in these days. I know what died that night. It can never be brought back to life. Once again, I know, I know.
-AFI, Sing the Sorrow
Those song lyrics, sung by AFI, explains what I feel presently which is my third stage. My three lifetime events that have affected my life the most include; my prissy little girl stage, my rebellious stage, and my present stage.
In my first stage, I started out as a little girl who was absolutely perfect. I was a sweet, mannerly young lady. I loved pink and I loved shopping. My role models were my grandmother and sister. I looked up to my sister. She would always bail me out of trouble and be on my side no matter what-or so I thought. I was a naive child. I thought I really knew a lot. Everyone liked me and I was always influenced by my two role models and did everything I thought I was supposed to.
In my second stage, I realized that I knew absolutely nothing at all. I needed to learn everything from my own experiences instead of trusting others' judgments. I started out trying to prove myself worthy of being a special individual, unique in everyway. No one thought I was being true to myself and they hated what I was becoming. My family disapproved' my sister, LaDawn, pushed me into the 'Gothic' phase, which I enjoyed quite a bit. She approved of me for awhile until she abruptly changed her mind and decided that she did not agree that I was being myself, as well as the rest of the family. That is another time in which I realized that I was a naïve girl who knew nothing about the real facts of life. I figured out that nobody is one my side and is I was going to be myself no matter what it took then I would have to do it alone. I had very few friends and people considered me to be a 'poser'. I started hating everyone and everything. The only thing I had was music. I absolutely fell in love with the music that was introduced to me by LaDawn and her friends. That is one thing I will always be grateful for, the introduction of my life as it is presently.
I am currently into stage three of the most important events that have occurred throughout my life which really has no title. I am now at the point where I am trying to push back my depression and anger with happiness and the wonders of life. I constantly find myself trying searching for love and so far have been unsuccessful in doing so. I have found the majority of who I am and who I wish to be, and I am very proud of that. It took me a long time, but I know that most people will never even realize that they are not who they think they are. There is deepness in your inner being and it takes some time to find it. I found my strength which happens to be writing poetry and stories which I am starting to write a book called Suicide Letter. It is about my life story and how I have come to be who I am today. I am still very much in love with music, especially the depressing love songs by emo bands. I am currently trying to find myself in opinions of God; I am attending a Penecostal and Lutheran church. I am in favor of the Lutheran church so far. English is my favorite subject in school and I have not made up my mind about what I will become as an adult, but maybe an English teacher.
So I feel like I have had a delusion for a life and I am now beginning what I hope brings me happiness and a world worth living in. I remain wanting to change the way the world perceives people and children such as myself. The world will one day know who I am and what I am. I have a purpose and I appreciate every time someone takes the time to pay attention to me. I am getting one step closer each and every day to changing the world, be it through music or through my books or even my poetry. It will be done one day.
Transfer'd.
1:03am 4/8/04
mood: calm
music: the Good Life CD
I had really wanted to write something deep, but I have nothing to say right now. I am only explaining my poeticness to Andrew and Andrew's cousin..
I love how hott Kumar looks when he is stoned. :)
I love snow and rain. I love playing in both.
I love poetry.
-I will make a poem about my true loves.
I love baby animals.
I love my ears.
I love my creativity.
I love my 2 favorite bands..
-Story of the Year and B.E
I love D.D.
I love Edward Sciss.
I love CiCi's and Fazzoli's and Sbarro.
I love HotTopic and Journey's.
I love being at home alone talking on the PC and listening to the radio.
I m beginning to like my legs.
I m beginning to like my eyes.
I m beginning to like my hands.
I m beginning to like my...well, no, I guess that is all.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAsN4hSS
mood: calm
music: the Good Life CD
I had really wanted to write something deep, but I have nothing to say right now. I am only explaining my poeticness to Andrew and Andrew's cousin..
I love how hott Kumar looks when he is stoned. :)
I love snow and rain. I love playing in both.
I love poetry.
-I will make a poem about my true loves.
I love baby animals.
I love my ears.
I love my creativity.
I love my 2 favorite bands..
-Story of the Year and B.E
I love D.D.
I love Edward Sciss.
I love CiCi's and Fazzoli's and Sbarro.
I love HotTopic and Journey's.
I love being at home alone talking on the PC and listening to the radio.
I m beginning to like my legs.
I m beginning to like my eyes.
I m beginning to like my hands.
I m beginning to like my...well, no, I guess that is all.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAsN4hSS
Transfer'd.
11:32pm 7/28/04
mood: annoyed
sometimes, I think it is so ignorant of me to ask repetitively (sp?)-I am stretching my vocabulary-it is so ignorant on my part to keep asking to get online just to be on for this. I hardly ever have anyone talking to ME, I am always talking to them and I feel like I am bugging everyone, which I really should not care because Ihave decided to not care about anyone else excluding myself. I piss myself off becauseI think I am changing and alot of times I am not. who knows? who honestly knows? and do not say God because I do not want to get into that subject right now.. back to the original subject-I get so mad because I think about something or someone and get all excited about it and want to get online and talk to that person or tell people something small that has just recently occurred in my life that is pointless within itself by the way. and then I feel as though I always have to write down what has happened to me in this stupid L.J where everyone can see it, why is that?> I mean, it isn't like anyone reads it anyways and people that do read it only read it because they have nothing better to do except read about oter people's lives. and I am talking about myself also. but nobody comments and you know why that is? because no one cares. and the few that do comment, well, I cannot tell you why they do. I am sorry. I comment on people because I do not want them to feel like I do. why should I care? I know I shouldn't but that doesn't change anything. I need to stop and isolate myself from the world. maybe then, I would feel alright, I doubt it. who knows? I cannot talk to anyone about anything. nothing helps, and if it does then it is only for a little while. I started on here in a good mood, I have no idea what set me off. I do not care what you think. commenty if you want. no one cares. be a bitch. no one cares.
have fun. party. drink. get high. no one cares.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAsAA16u
mood: annoyed
sometimes, I think it is so ignorant of me to ask repetitively (sp?)-I am stretching my vocabulary-it is so ignorant on my part to keep asking to get online just to be on for this. I hardly ever have anyone talking to ME, I am always talking to them and I feel like I am bugging everyone, which I really should not care because Ihave decided to not care about anyone else excluding myself. I piss myself off becauseI think I am changing and alot of times I am not. who knows? who honestly knows? and do not say God because I do not want to get into that subject right now.. back to the original subject-I get so mad because I think about something or someone and get all excited about it and want to get online and talk to that person or tell people something small that has just recently occurred in my life that is pointless within itself by the way. and then I feel as though I always have to write down what has happened to me in this stupid L.J where everyone can see it, why is that?> I mean, it isn't like anyone reads it anyways and people that do read it only read it because they have nothing better to do except read about oter people's lives. and I am talking about myself also. but nobody comments and you know why that is? because no one cares. and the few that do comment, well, I cannot tell you why they do. I am sorry. I comment on people because I do not want them to feel like I do. why should I care? I know I shouldn't but that doesn't change anything. I need to stop and isolate myself from the world. maybe then, I would feel alright, I doubt it. who knows? I cannot talk to anyone about anything. nothing helps, and if it does then it is only for a little while. I started on here in a good mood, I have no idea what set me off. I do not care what you think. commenty if you want. no one cares. be a bitch. no one cares.
have fun. party. drink. get high. no one cares.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAsAA16u
Transfer'd.
11:52pm 7/26/04
mood: accomplished
music: Soap Net!!
I am going to describe myself the best I can with what I have learned about myself lately...
I still like the things I have liked, such as, spaghetti and chocolate and black and baby animals..
I am the kind of person who is trying to sink deeper than needed to find out who I am and why I am, while others go through life never knowing or caring.
I am going to start caring about myself and let everyone else look out for themselves. No more comments made by me unless I am asked. No more mean comments to anyone even siblings unless I feel that I strongly need to argue for myself.
I refuse to feel sorry for myself when there are millions of people around the world getting raped right now and people getting murdered by the least suspected person in there world..I am better off.
I am going to decide if I truly believe and God and if I do then I have to do better at following the 10 commandments.
I have decided that I do not hate boys, I just hate how some boys are and/or act sometimes. I like boys alot, and it doesn't hurt to look sometimes. I have realised that I need to go with the flow and let the right guy find me since I have looked everywhere I could possibly think to look for him. I know that he is out there and he will find me.
I realise that I am a person and I should be treated like one. People can either treat me right or not, I do not care. you can like me or hate me, it is your choice. I am going to be myself and good luck with being yourself.
I am poetic and that is very good considering it gives me something to share with the world. It gives me something to do and to explain my feelings and thoughts into words.
I love music, I do not care if you like it or not. Music is my anti-drug. haha. I will continue loving music and listening to lyrics understand me.
I do not do drugs and I am not going to. I am not an alcoholic, I will have 'fun' every once in awhile.
I know that we are each going to die one day and we should do what makes us happy. If that includes smoking on your part, I do not and will not say a word against it unless you ask. Be happy.
I think friends should be there for you always. Be on your side everytime. Take up for you when someone is talking about you. Won't fight over a guy or anything stupid like that.
I think bf's should love you and appreciate your individuality. Recognize your creativity and determination. Love your mind, body and soul. Always be there for you no matter what happens and if there is a time when you need to seperate because of a personal problem, they will respect that and remain at your side and be your prince to slay the dragon everytime you need it.
I am going to be an outgoing person. I am going to appreciate more. I am going to love and allow myself to be loved. I am going to drown myself in tears while watching Moulin (sp?) Rouge. I am going to find myself and bring it out for the world to see. I am not going to stop trying to make everyone see that there is more to a person than appearance alone. I am going to keep working on changing the world to understand the non-understandables.
I am going to continue excelling at my passions; writing stories, poems, and hopefully lyrics. Playing guitar and listening to music.
I am-myself, finally.
***I just feel as though you guys should know. I have found myself and I know it will help me as things ahead get better and worse. I hope you guys have something of a goal as I did with finding myself. Good luck and if you care enough you will find it.
mood: accomplished
music: Soap Net!!
I am going to describe myself the best I can with what I have learned about myself lately...
I still like the things I have liked, such as, spaghetti and chocolate and black and baby animals..
I am the kind of person who is trying to sink deeper than needed to find out who I am and why I am, while others go through life never knowing or caring.
I am going to start caring about myself and let everyone else look out for themselves. No more comments made by me unless I am asked. No more mean comments to anyone even siblings unless I feel that I strongly need to argue for myself.
I refuse to feel sorry for myself when there are millions of people around the world getting raped right now and people getting murdered by the least suspected person in there world..I am better off.
I am going to decide if I truly believe and God and if I do then I have to do better at following the 10 commandments.
I have decided that I do not hate boys, I just hate how some boys are and/or act sometimes. I like boys alot, and it doesn't hurt to look sometimes. I have realised that I need to go with the flow and let the right guy find me since I have looked everywhere I could possibly think to look for him. I know that he is out there and he will find me.
I realise that I am a person and I should be treated like one. People can either treat me right or not, I do not care. you can like me or hate me, it is your choice. I am going to be myself and good luck with being yourself.
I am poetic and that is very good considering it gives me something to share with the world. It gives me something to do and to explain my feelings and thoughts into words.
I love music, I do not care if you like it or not. Music is my anti-drug. haha. I will continue loving music and listening to lyrics understand me.
I do not do drugs and I am not going to. I am not an alcoholic, I will have 'fun' every once in awhile.
I know that we are each going to die one day and we should do what makes us happy. If that includes smoking on your part, I do not and will not say a word against it unless you ask. Be happy.
I think friends should be there for you always. Be on your side everytime. Take up for you when someone is talking about you. Won't fight over a guy or anything stupid like that.
I think bf's should love you and appreciate your individuality. Recognize your creativity and determination. Love your mind, body and soul. Always be there for you no matter what happens and if there is a time when you need to seperate because of a personal problem, they will respect that and remain at your side and be your prince to slay the dragon everytime you need it.
I am going to be an outgoing person. I am going to appreciate more. I am going to love and allow myself to be loved. I am going to drown myself in tears while watching Moulin (sp?) Rouge. I am going to find myself and bring it out for the world to see. I am not going to stop trying to make everyone see that there is more to a person than appearance alone. I am going to keep working on changing the world to understand the non-understandables.
I am going to continue excelling at my passions; writing stories, poems, and hopefully lyrics. Playing guitar and listening to music.
I am-myself, finally.
***I just feel as though you guys should know. I have found myself and I know it will help me as things ahead get better and worse. I hope you guys have something of a goal as I did with finding myself. Good luck and if you care enough you will find it.
Transfer'd.
3:01pm 7/12/04
mood: distressed
I have a really bad problem. I cannot really put it in here unless I limit my thing to only let users see it..I just do not know what to do now. My friend likes this guy and likes being around him. She was totally convinced that he was the one for her, now she has changed her mind already. she thought he was her 'soul mate'. She is one of those people who like someone alot and once they start liking her too, she changes her mind about them. don't you hate those kind of people? I do. I have no idea of what kind of advice to give her. all she wants is someone to listen to her and make it seem as if everything is alright when they are together, is there anyone in existance like that?
Alright, I am going to decide what kind of person I want to be. okay? nevermind, I am not asking you. I do not care what any of you think, I will do what I want-when I want. and I am going to do that. I have recently discovered that nobody can control me and/or make me think anything I don't want to think. I am in charge of myself. and yes-I may need advice time-to-time, but most people do..
I am having a really hard time right now, and I am feeling as though this vacaion is not going to be a stress-reliever (sp?) instead it will just give me more time to think about it all...
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAqBBxRy
mood: distressed
I have a really bad problem. I cannot really put it in here unless I limit my thing to only let users see it..I just do not know what to do now. My friend likes this guy and likes being around him. She was totally convinced that he was the one for her, now she has changed her mind already. she thought he was her 'soul mate'. She is one of those people who like someone alot and once they start liking her too, she changes her mind about them. don't you hate those kind of people? I do. I have no idea of what kind of advice to give her. all she wants is someone to listen to her and make it seem as if everything is alright when they are together, is there anyone in existance like that?
Alright, I am going to decide what kind of person I want to be. okay? nevermind, I am not asking you. I do not care what any of you think, I will do what I want-when I want. and I am going to do that. I have recently discovered that nobody can control me and/or make me think anything I don't want to think. I am in charge of myself. and yes-I may need advice time-to-time, but most people do..
I am having a really hard time right now, and I am feeling as though this vacaion is not going to be a stress-reliever (sp?) instead it will just give me more time to think about it all...
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAqBBxRy
Transfer'd. POEM
10:09pm 7/6/04 Poems
mood: artistic
music: the Darkness-blah blah blah-Forever....
Black Rose* June-04-
-----------
Her eyes full of sorrow,
the lack of tomorrow...
With more pain than gain,
it's too hard to stay sane.
She feels so alone,
not a call on the phone.
Nobody cares,
to learn what she bares..
A new heart to borrow,
just to break again tomorrow..
Music is her main,
but everything else seems vain.
All that was known,
now needs to be sewn..
Sick of using feelings as fare,
like some sort of dare.
Everthing's the same,
hurt from this game.
Ray of Sunshine* -04-
---dedicated to Jessi---
A small ray of sunshine
coming through the rain..
They'll slowly entwine
enhancing the pain.
Don't let it reach through
stay free, stay true.
Don't create hate,
let love shine through.
It's not your fate,
too many few..
You know the saying
'If you can't beat em,
join em'
That's bull crap,
it's just a trap.
Don't get lost in the rain,
keep trying,
forget about the pain,
soon the sun'll be shining.
Six LiL Roses* M.D.-04-
----Dedicated to Gram---
We know roses are red
and violets are blue.
But something new
is that's not always true..
You know and love six lil roses
some bigger than others.
Some are sisters
and some are brothers.
You've watched and helped them through the years
alot of smile and alot of tears..
Your six lil roses are growing up strong
because of the love you've passed along.
They'll repay the debt
as they give and get.
Who knew
this is what your love could do..
Solumn Pain* May 31-04-
------------------------
A child of neglection,
eternal misery.
Some could call rejection,
with small mystery..
Not ugly or dumb,
just a disappointment.
Another misunderstanding,
a nobody.
Somebodys suck anyway,
stuck up.
Too good,
perfectly grown-up.
A kid of controversy
unlike the rest.
Quiet and loud,
the best of the worst.
She's the kiss of death
dreaded.
Alone, yet semi-content,
black threaded.
Conscious enough to wish she wasn't
though scared to end herself.
No stop to the endless insanity,
everlasting life.
A poem of solumn policies,
confused.
Another day of pain,
knives in the kitchen...
Still unused.
Disappear* June 26-04-
----------------------
Someday soon I'll disappear..
Not show a smile, or a tear.
Just to shy away from fear,
and find the sweetest dear of dears.
I'll never be far from near
but all the same, away from here.
The problems are all too clear
the punishment-too severe.
This pain and sorrow yet to vear,
keep reoccurring-reappear.
And here I am again to steer,
to a solumn nothing peir-
As I wait to disappear...
For Morgan* -04-
---dedicated to Holly---
Even though we aren't together now,
you will forever be:
the happiness in my Happy Meal.
the tracks for my train.
the beat of my heart.
the president of my US.
the King of my world.
my honey from the bees.
the fudge in my sundae.
the beauty of my flower.
the colors in my rainbow.
the music in my ears.
the Friday in my week.
the cardboard of my box.
the conductor of my orchestra.
the wizard of my Oz.
the sun in my sky.
the love of my life.
I'll give you all the time you need,
I will await your love forever.
Nothing.*
---------
A whirlwind of variety,
much more than ever'll be known.
Definition of society,
the lies have already been grown.
A world of right and wrong,
the right opinion matters.
Like the lyrics in a song,
some lives are torn to tatters.
Through the thoughts and dreams of much,
the answer will come clear.
Though many storms or lies in such,
the outcome will be fear.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAphAABY
mood: artistic
music: the Darkness-blah blah blah-Forever....
Black Rose* June-04-
-----------
Her eyes full of sorrow,
the lack of tomorrow...
With more pain than gain,
it's too hard to stay sane.
She feels so alone,
not a call on the phone.
Nobody cares,
to learn what she bares..
A new heart to borrow,
just to break again tomorrow..
Music is her main,
but everything else seems vain.
All that was known,
now needs to be sewn..
Sick of using feelings as fare,
like some sort of dare.
Everthing's the same,
hurt from this game.
Ray of Sunshine* -04-
---dedicated to Jessi---
A small ray of sunshine
coming through the rain..
They'll slowly entwine
enhancing the pain.
Don't let it reach through
stay free, stay true.
Don't create hate,
let love shine through.
It's not your fate,
too many few..
You know the saying
'If you can't beat em,
join em'
That's bull crap,
it's just a trap.
Don't get lost in the rain,
keep trying,
forget about the pain,
soon the sun'll be shining.
Six LiL Roses* M.D.-04-
----Dedicated to Gram---
We know roses are red
and violets are blue.
But something new
is that's not always true..
You know and love six lil roses
some bigger than others.
Some are sisters
and some are brothers.
You've watched and helped them through the years
alot of smile and alot of tears..
Your six lil roses are growing up strong
because of the love you've passed along.
They'll repay the debt
as they give and get.
Who knew
this is what your love could do..
Solumn Pain* May 31-04-
------------------------
A child of neglection,
eternal misery.
Some could call rejection,
with small mystery..
Not ugly or dumb,
just a disappointment.
Another misunderstanding,
a nobody.
Somebodys suck anyway,
stuck up.
Too good,
perfectly grown-up.
A kid of controversy
unlike the rest.
Quiet and loud,
the best of the worst.
She's the kiss of death
dreaded.
Alone, yet semi-content,
black threaded.
Conscious enough to wish she wasn't
though scared to end herself.
No stop to the endless insanity,
everlasting life.
A poem of solumn policies,
confused.
Another day of pain,
knives in the kitchen...
Still unused.
Disappear* June 26-04-
----------------------
Someday soon I'll disappear..
Not show a smile, or a tear.
Just to shy away from fear,
and find the sweetest dear of dears.
I'll never be far from near
but all the same, away from here.
The problems are all too clear
the punishment-too severe.
This pain and sorrow yet to vear,
keep reoccurring-reappear.
And here I am again to steer,
to a solumn nothing peir-
As I wait to disappear...
For Morgan* -04-
---dedicated to Holly---
Even though we aren't together now,
you will forever be:
the happiness in my Happy Meal.
the tracks for my train.
the beat of my heart.
the president of my US.
the King of my world.
my honey from the bees.
the fudge in my sundae.
the beauty of my flower.
the colors in my rainbow.
the music in my ears.
the Friday in my week.
the cardboard of my box.
the conductor of my orchestra.
the wizard of my Oz.
the sun in my sky.
the love of my life.
I'll give you all the time you need,
I will await your love forever.
Nothing.*
---------
A whirlwind of variety,
much more than ever'll be known.
Definition of society,
the lies have already been grown.
A world of right and wrong,
the right opinion matters.
Like the lyrics in a song,
some lives are torn to tatters.
Through the thoughts and dreams of much,
the answer will come clear.
Though many storms or lies in such,
the outcome will be fear.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAphAABY
Transfer'd.
2:45pm 7/3/04
mood: restless
music: Motley Crue : 1
I wish I was..
-a newborn kitten.
-a rainbow.
-a cloud filled with snow.
-a vampire.
-a song sang over and over.
-a color..along the lines of a new black?
-a depressing poem meaning something to everyone.
-a breeze.
-a shoe.
-butterfly.
I wish I was.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wApYwOuO
mood: restless
music: Motley Crue : 1
I wish I was..
-a newborn kitten.
-a rainbow.
-a cloud filled with snow.
-a vampire.
-a song sang over and over.
-a color..along the lines of a new black?
-a depressing poem meaning something to everyone.
-a breeze.
-a shoe.
-butterfly.
I wish I was.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wApYwOuO
Transfer'd. POEM
Monday, October 22, 2007
7:56pm 7/2/04
mood: you tell ME how I feel...
Stinging the eyes of the beholder,
sweet pain and sorrow reach the surface..
trying so hard to be bolder,
wrapped in precious crispy lace...
the girl of unknown horror,
replying to the unheard silence..
some feelings rose and tore her,
losing all signs of common sense.
a poem of small importantance,
with small meaning to those who just don't know..
in eyes with an everlasting dance,
in the 'kill me slowly' show..
sorry just don't cut it
forever suffer is her destiny..
feeling as though bit
a poison now rests in she..
quiet and alone and yet
a glimpse of help?
don't want to owe the debt
or on her heart a remaining welp..
follow into with a frown
not knowing the future or beyond..
maybe a world worse than down,
or a beautiful existance-fond........
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wApMOFuu
7:56pm 7/2/04
mood: you tell ME how I feel...
Stinging the eyes of the beholder,
sweet pain and sorrow reach the surface..
trying so hard to be bolder,
wrapped in precious crispy lace...
the girl of unknown horror,
replying to the unheard silence..
some feelings rose and tore her,
losing all signs of common sense.
a poem of small importantance,
with small meaning to those who just don't know..
in eyes with an everlasting dance,
in the 'kill me slowly' show..
sorry just don't cut it
forever suffer is her destiny..
feeling as though bit
a poison now rests in she..
quiet and alone and yet
a glimpse of help?
don't want to owe the debt
or on her heart a remaining welp..
follow into with a frown
not knowing the future or beyond..
maybe a world worse than down,
or a beautiful existance-fond........
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wApMOFuu
Transfer'd.
Monday, October 22, 2007
8:57pm 6/24/04
mood: gloomy
I wander...
Looking for a beautiful silence.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=13#ixzz0wApCnXXi
8:57pm 6/24/04
mood: gloomy
I wander...
Looking for a beautiful silence.
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=13#ixzz0wApCnXXi
Old blogs from myspace. Transfer'd. POEM
Monday, October 22, 2007
06:15pm 6/19/04
mood: calm
Her eyes full of sorrow,
The lack of tomorrow…
With more pain than gain,
It's so hard to stay sane.
She feels so alone,
Not a call on the phone.
Nobody cares,
To learn what she bares…
A new heart to borrow,
Just to break again tomorrow.
Mausic is her main,
But everything else seems vain.
All that was known,
Now needs to be sewn.
Sick of using feelings as fare,
Like some sort of dare.
Everything's the same,
Just hurt from this game…
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=13#ixzz0wAougdTU
06:15pm 6/19/04
mood: calm
Her eyes full of sorrow,
The lack of tomorrow…
With more pain than gain,
It's so hard to stay sane.
She feels so alone,
Not a call on the phone.
Nobody cares,
To learn what she bares…
A new heart to borrow,
Just to break again tomorrow.
Mausic is her main,
But everything else seems vain.
All that was known,
Now needs to be sewn.
Sick of using feelings as fare,
Like some sort of dare.
Everything's the same,
Just hurt from this game…
Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=13#ixzz0wAougdTU
8.08.2010
I had a dream.
I had a dream that I was seeing someone, and that I was in a van just chillin' and Andy Hull got in the front seat (I was in the back). He mentioned something nonsignificant about the guy I was seeing, and then pulled out this super-wrinkled piece of notebook paper and explained that it was part of a song he wrote. He read some then stopped, and I took it and read the rest, and was all "whoa, dude." We just kind of stared at each other, sharing a moment. Then we leaned towards each other and kissed really really softly. Paused, then backed up, and he said something about the guy I'm seeing, and I said that it's over without being officially over, in the fact that he still tries to talk to me, but he knows it's not going to go anywhere because I already told him. We changed the subject to Andy's other songs, how he has more he's written that no one's seen, and that I'd like to see them.. And I asked if he really did write all of those songs for the band, and he said yeah, most of them. I scooted up the the back of his seat, and rushed in and kissed him really hard, and he kissed me back, and I woke up smiling.
Then, I was walking on the road someplace w Pop and Josh, and we walked for ages. On the way back though, Pop put me on his shoulders. It was crazy, 'cause I'm so adult-sized and too big for him, but he walked like I was a feather. It was fun.
And, then me and Pop went to the restroom in some building, and on our way back out, in a hallway, there were a lot of doors, and we passed the last door, and we heard a tattoo gun, and looked inside, and a skinny chick was getting tattooed on her calf, but on the front, and on the bone part-- of bones. Not of the leg bone that was being tattooed on, but of a vertebre on her leg. And then the guy had her flip, and he did the same thing on the back of her leg. And we just stared, and she got up and showed us that she had the vertebre tattoo all over her body, where her skeleton could've gone. It was weird.
The end. PS, I like the first part the best. The end end.
Then, I was walking on the road someplace w Pop and Josh, and we walked for ages. On the way back though, Pop put me on his shoulders. It was crazy, 'cause I'm so adult-sized and too big for him, but he walked like I was a feather. It was fun.
And, then me and Pop went to the restroom in some building, and on our way back out, in a hallway, there were a lot of doors, and we passed the last door, and we heard a tattoo gun, and looked inside, and a skinny chick was getting tattooed on her calf, but on the front, and on the bone part-- of bones. Not of the leg bone that was being tattooed on, but of a vertebre on her leg. And then the guy had her flip, and he did the same thing on the back of her leg. And we just stared, and she got up and showed us that she had the vertebre tattoo all over her body, where her skeleton could've gone. It was weird.
The end. PS, I like the first part the best. The end end.
8.06.2010
I'm totally "in it" right now.
I just had a big day.
Got up at 4am to take a shower and do my hair.
Went to work, got off work at 12:30 (overtime! :D,
ran over to the movies to get my check, then
headed to my interview (to which I would've been hired if I'd quit my other job),
went to the bank...
Bought myself an ice cream, to make up for my disappointment towards the interview,
got gas! Filled my tank up! :) :) :)
Went home, took an hour nap...
Got up, went to work, got off around 11:20ish.
And I took Harley out, then this stranger guy came and picked me up, and I went w him on his motorcycle. I went around 11:40, and just got back (1:43).
I'm so tired. My eyes are really red, like I just smoked the best pot ever.
----------
Yeah, so I went on a bike in the middle of the night w a strange guy who I didn't even know, or know what he looked like. Yeah. He's friends w me on facebook, and has talked w me before. But I went. Why? Because I had a weird, fucked day. I needed relief. I didn't get hit by a train on the way home, so why not go w a stranger? At least I'd be on a motorcycle. Even if I did get into a wreck or get kidnapped or something. At least I'd been on a motorcycle.
---------
So, I was thinking.
It's so hard to give up something that you love.
It's so hard for me to give up something that I love.
I deal w losing things by not being around them ever, not thinking about them, not hearing about them, not coming in contact w anything that will remind me of them.
This was the case for the beach, after the Florida disappointment. This was the case for Dakota after the New Years big hurrah. This was the case for Ladawn after wtf happens. Etc etc.
What I realized tonight, is that sometimes, I have to let go. I don't have to push things away necessarily, but I have to stop grasping to things so tightly.
I miss Valerie. I do. I missed her a lot soon after the fall-out, and I felt numb to it in the in-between time, but it's because I dealt w it as I explained above. Recently, I have missed her a lot. Maybe more than when I first missed her. So I got ahold of her. And talked to her. Tried to explain my new methods and thoughts and feelings and all. She responded as she'd always responded, and was nice and said we should hang out, but.. it wasn't right. For some reason, it just didn't feel right. It made me feel weird for not thinking it was okay, and then I felt bad for having texted her just to leave her empty-handed, but I guess I realized it then too: you just have to let go sometimes.
I miss Dakota a lot. :( I think about him more than I want to, believe me. I talk about him more than I want to. It's always "what's your life about, Tab?" and I'm all "movies, travelling, fucking shit up, Dakota-- I have a new nephew!" :l
It sucks. It really blows, actually. I always think of what he'd say, or what he'd said in relation to whatever I'm dealing with, or who, or what I'm doing. On the way to my interview, I heard in my head "you've got this." And I responded with "yeah fuckin' right." Sarcastically, obviously. But it sucks.
He's doing really great though. According to his blog, in which I stalk. Which, makes me strange. Um.
Yeah, though.
I also realized that, hey, he's right.
I need to find myself. I took so much offense to that before, when he'd say it. I was pissy because I know my personality, I know what I'm working with when it comes to myself, and I know how I function and how I think. I thought he was insulting that. But, even if that is what he meant, that's still solid. I have found that I can be happy. I just have to tune myself down a little more.
For instance:
-I have an attention issue. I need it, I crave it, I beg for it, and I get it. Or I get mopey until I get it, or get shitty and then isolate myself and THEN I get it when I get back to the real world. It's a cycle. And it's fucking vicious.
I know that I could delete my facebook. I know that it wouldn't be the end of the world, especially since I don't have my own computer even.
I also know that I could get my texting removed from my plan. I only really texted facebook and Dakota like crazy, so it wouldn't be an enormous loss.
But... I cling to it for security. I'll explain later on.
-I have a superiority complex. For whatever reason, I think that I'm incredible. I think that I am incredible, and no one sees it but me, and no one can acknowledge just how great I am, in the ways that I personally know myself to be so great. That being said, I still put myself before others, because I know I'm not a huge loss to the world. I could do something, I am someone, I can do stuff that not everyone can do or will do. Thus, I am first. I take care of me, I look out for me, I strive for me, and I talk to you for me.
It's true.
But, I value what you have to say. I believe some of you (mostly when what you say is half-and-half: half- down to earth, half- sweet and endearing), and I don't believe a lot of you (usually when you say shit that is super nice, or cliche, or if whatever you're saying sounds like something you think I want to hear). But I listen, and I ask. I believe in you, but I really seem to believe that I believe in you, more than you could believe in yourself. Or that anyone else could believe in you. That me having that faith in you, is going to be what makes the difference.
Again, I don't know why I think like this. It'd be interesting to find out, ha.
-I find it difficult to deal with change. This is true, and so I take control of it. I plan things out, I plan out my life, my jobs, my kids, my husbands, my rules, my big life-happenings. I make things happen in my head, then jump to make it happen out loud, and that's when the spontaneity comes about. I just do whatever I think. If it's a good idea to me, I'll plan it out real fast- make it doable, and do it. Jump. It's what I do. I do it before something does me. Feel me?
I could just ..not. I could not talk about my thoughts and ideas. I could just not act on what I want (even though, when I come up w an idea or theory, once my brain has been adjusted to that, I have the ability to make myself feel literally sick if I don't do anything about my current situation) (<= sucks, but it's true). I could just breathe, every day, just breathe. Just concentrate on breathing. And after a while, see what's happened.
I dunno, dude. I have a lot to say, but I'm getting hungry because I've been up so long, and I'm so tired, my eyelids are swollen and heavier, and my fingers are hurting just from typing and stretching to type. I'm so tired, so hungry, so sleepy, so exasperated, so anxious but relaxed weirdly, so sad, and so content. I just don't know what to say or do, really. I just want to relax. I just want to calm down, and this be this and that be that. My brain is what sucks really. It just keeps going and going. Goes in circles, goes in patterns, goes in random directions, creating new paths. I don't know what to do to make it stop. To make it chill, so I can chill. Pot's all that I know of so far.
Um.
I.
Well. I just don't know.
Buhbye.
Got up at 4am to take a shower and do my hair.
Went to work, got off work at 12:30 (overtime! :D,
ran over to the movies to get my check, then
headed to my interview (to which I would've been hired if I'd quit my other job),
went to the bank...
Bought myself an ice cream, to make up for my disappointment towards the interview,
got gas! Filled my tank up! :) :) :)
Went home, took an hour nap...
Got up, went to work, got off around 11:20ish.
And I took Harley out, then this stranger guy came and picked me up, and I went w him on his motorcycle. I went around 11:40, and just got back (1:43).
I'm so tired. My eyes are really red, like I just smoked the best pot ever.
----------
Yeah, so I went on a bike in the middle of the night w a strange guy who I didn't even know, or know what he looked like. Yeah. He's friends w me on facebook, and has talked w me before. But I went. Why? Because I had a weird, fucked day. I needed relief. I didn't get hit by a train on the way home, so why not go w a stranger? At least I'd be on a motorcycle. Even if I did get into a wreck or get kidnapped or something. At least I'd been on a motorcycle.
---------
So, I was thinking.
It's so hard to give up something that you love.
It's so hard for me to give up something that I love.
I deal w losing things by not being around them ever, not thinking about them, not hearing about them, not coming in contact w anything that will remind me of them.
This was the case for the beach, after the Florida disappointment. This was the case for Dakota after the New Years big hurrah. This was the case for Ladawn after wtf happens. Etc etc.
What I realized tonight, is that sometimes, I have to let go. I don't have to push things away necessarily, but I have to stop grasping to things so tightly.
I miss Valerie. I do. I missed her a lot soon after the fall-out, and I felt numb to it in the in-between time, but it's because I dealt w it as I explained above. Recently, I have missed her a lot. Maybe more than when I first missed her. So I got ahold of her. And talked to her. Tried to explain my new methods and thoughts and feelings and all. She responded as she'd always responded, and was nice and said we should hang out, but.. it wasn't right. For some reason, it just didn't feel right. It made me feel weird for not thinking it was okay, and then I felt bad for having texted her just to leave her empty-handed, but I guess I realized it then too: you just have to let go sometimes.
I miss Dakota a lot. :( I think about him more than I want to, believe me. I talk about him more than I want to. It's always "what's your life about, Tab?" and I'm all "movies, travelling, fucking shit up, Dakota-- I have a new nephew!" :l
It sucks. It really blows, actually. I always think of what he'd say, or what he'd said in relation to whatever I'm dealing with, or who, or what I'm doing. On the way to my interview, I heard in my head "you've got this." And I responded with "yeah fuckin' right." Sarcastically, obviously. But it sucks.
He's doing really great though. According to his blog, in which I stalk. Which, makes me strange. Um.
Yeah, though.
I also realized that, hey, he's right.
I need to find myself. I took so much offense to that before, when he'd say it. I was pissy because I know my personality, I know what I'm working with when it comes to myself, and I know how I function and how I think. I thought he was insulting that. But, even if that is what he meant, that's still solid. I have found that I can be happy. I just have to tune myself down a little more.
For instance:
-I have an attention issue. I need it, I crave it, I beg for it, and I get it. Or I get mopey until I get it, or get shitty and then isolate myself and THEN I get it when I get back to the real world. It's a cycle. And it's fucking vicious.
I know that I could delete my facebook. I know that it wouldn't be the end of the world, especially since I don't have my own computer even.
I also know that I could get my texting removed from my plan. I only really texted facebook and Dakota like crazy, so it wouldn't be an enormous loss.
But... I cling to it for security. I'll explain later on.
-I have a superiority complex. For whatever reason, I think that I'm incredible. I think that I am incredible, and no one sees it but me, and no one can acknowledge just how great I am, in the ways that I personally know myself to be so great. That being said, I still put myself before others, because I know I'm not a huge loss to the world. I could do something, I am someone, I can do stuff that not everyone can do or will do. Thus, I am first. I take care of me, I look out for me, I strive for me, and I talk to you for me.
It's true.
But, I value what you have to say. I believe some of you (mostly when what you say is half-and-half: half- down to earth, half- sweet and endearing), and I don't believe a lot of you (usually when you say shit that is super nice, or cliche, or if whatever you're saying sounds like something you think I want to hear). But I listen, and I ask. I believe in you, but I really seem to believe that I believe in you, more than you could believe in yourself. Or that anyone else could believe in you. That me having that faith in you, is going to be what makes the difference.
Again, I don't know why I think like this. It'd be interesting to find out, ha.
-I find it difficult to deal with change. This is true, and so I take control of it. I plan things out, I plan out my life, my jobs, my kids, my husbands, my rules, my big life-happenings. I make things happen in my head, then jump to make it happen out loud, and that's when the spontaneity comes about. I just do whatever I think. If it's a good idea to me, I'll plan it out real fast- make it doable, and do it. Jump. It's what I do. I do it before something does me. Feel me?
I could just ..not. I could not talk about my thoughts and ideas. I could just not act on what I want (even though, when I come up w an idea or theory, once my brain has been adjusted to that, I have the ability to make myself feel literally sick if I don't do anything about my current situation) (<= sucks, but it's true). I could just breathe, every day, just breathe. Just concentrate on breathing. And after a while, see what's happened.
I dunno, dude. I have a lot to say, but I'm getting hungry because I've been up so long, and I'm so tired, my eyelids are swollen and heavier, and my fingers are hurting just from typing and stretching to type. I'm so tired, so hungry, so sleepy, so exasperated, so anxious but relaxed weirdly, so sad, and so content. I just don't know what to say or do, really. I just want to relax. I just want to calm down, and this be this and that be that. My brain is what sucks really. It just keeps going and going. Goes in circles, goes in patterns, goes in random directions, creating new paths. I don't know what to do to make it stop. To make it chill, so I can chill. Pot's all that I know of so far.
Um.
I.
Well. I just don't know.
Buhbye.
8.03.2010
Jesus.
My mom's literally putting my pills in my mouth, holding the bottle to my lips, and checking under my tongue and on the inside of my cheeks to make sure I swallowed them.
Thanks, mom.
Thanks, mom.
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About Me
- Betty Spaghetti
- GAMEPLAN: Travel. Experience danger. Love everyone; mostly you. Have a good day. Write a book or two. Kill self at the end of the day.