"I'm gonna look fat!"

Oh, fuuuuuck yyyyyouuuuu.

Give it a rest.

Seriously, geezus. I don't give a shit, and no one else gives a shit, and if someone happens TO give a shit, they're a piece of shit. So, shut the fuck up.

I feel like I eat once, and pack it in for the next few days. It's been working out pretty well. I'm at the buffet, eating by myself, and some girl walked past my big table (that I'm sitting alone at, lol) and I heard her say that to someone in front of her. She didn't say it in a way like she's super-obsessed with the idea, but just to say it in general. If you don't want to be fat, don't be fat? Don't eat a whole whole lot? I eat a lot sometimes, and I think eating is a very wonderful thing. I won't stop eating, because I love eating food! I love food!! You can eat too, or you can just watch me eat, but come on. Get a life.

It's like, I can't concentrate on anything.
He thinks I'm a bad driver, because I ...well, I do come off as a bad driver when he's in the car with me.
I can't listen to any one talk about anything without waiting for the opportunity to bring him into the conversation.
I think he's so funny and smart and dashing and suave and goofy and sweet and kind and mannerly and awesome and a model of a man.

Word.

I ordered white tennis shoes today!

I'm regaining texting today!

I'm eating lunch w Leah, Arli, and the kid!

I ..called in sick at work today... :/
(But I'm really enjoying being off work these days.)

I wish I didn't have to work while going to school. Seriously.
I'm wondering if I shouldn't just work for one more year, maybe? To pay off my car, so I can only have my cell phone and car insurance bills? And live on-campus from then on out, and just go to school full-time until I can graduate?!
I know I've tried that before, but I wasn't ready for school that time, and I wasn't serious about it, and well.. Now I am. I know what I want to do. I want to do good. I want to do the very best I can! :)

Cody's my favorite person on earth. I can't even really explain, because he's just too awesome to summarize. I don't understand how I was so lucky to come across him. Or, how I was so lucky that he stuck around after I've been a shithead to him for however long. Lols.

Word.

It's nearly eleven o'clock on a work-night, and I'm still online, still on-campus, still haven't gotten gas, and I definitely haven't gone to Walmart for waters and milk.

What does that mean?
Well.. It means that I'm shoe-shopping online, because I'm tossing my old shoes, and starting over. My shoes smell, and I'm going to do better this time, with them. Cody's a shoe person. It'd be super awkward if I were to take my shoes off and them smell up his house, lol.

Who's Cody..?
Well, Cody is my unofficial boyfriend, which technically labels him my "man-friend." We were dating for real, but I freaked and broke it off. So, now we date. I like him just as much as I always did, and it's a lot better this way, I think. Of course, I'd like to be able to call him my boyfriend without having to hide it, just in case he overhears me, but I really can't do it. It's the pressure. I've found out. I'm doing so much better without that pressure. Anyway.

I like him a lot. I talk about him all the time, and I'm almost always talking TO him all the time. And I smile when I do talk to him, because he makes me feel really good about myself, and he's positive.

What sucks about this, is that he wants me to trust him (which shouldn't suck), and he wants to be involved in my daily life (which also, shouldn't really suck). But, I'm a basketcase, as you all well-know. He doesn't know, though. And I'm going to prolong that as long as possible. :/

Anyway, again. I'm super tired.
I just haven't updated in so long. Thought maybe I would.

http://www.toms.com/womens/gold-glitters-shoes


http://www.toms.com/womens/yellow-bridgeport-linen-classics-shoes

http://www.atseoul.com/shop/item.php?it_id=1023807254





http://www.atseoul.com/shop/item.php?it_id=1212337829

Booties!



http://www.atseoul.com/shop/item.php?it_id=1210069899

Little Granny Shoesies

http://www.endless.com/Simple-Womens-Satire-Sneaker-Black/dp/B0012DSBRI/ref=sr_2_8/?fromPage=search&qid=1284684172611&sr=2-8&asins=B001GIP1A4,B00342WH6Q,B000EIKFIU,B003EEF7FW,B002M3T96Y,B003FT39A6,B002TX6CA8,B0012DSBRI,B0012DO8X4,B0018CM2HS,B002L6GZS2,B003CX4HWO,B002PDONGM,B002T458U2,B001TODLWU,B003BU81VG,B002GHCN8W,B002PHMLGC,B003BDTT64,B003FZFMF0,B002HHM868,B002ZNKLGS,B002PDON9Y,B003V8BLI8,B002F000VW,B002PEW82M,B003EED5LA,B00307S20A,B002T457L2,B002PHMJFK,B00303FP18,B002FU6DQ8,B003CX5ZIY,B002Z12S52,B0039ROC9Q,B001AD60AK,B003FZ90EY,B002EVPGPW,B002PMW1KS,B002Z12S0W&asinTitle=Simple%20Satire%20Hemp%20Sneaker%2CBlack%2C8.5%20M&contextTitle=search%20results&page=2&size=40&page=2&node=242289011&nodes=242289011&sort=shoesbrowserel2

COOL SHOES.



http://www.endless.com/Pro-Keds-Royal-Lo-Leather-Sneaker/dp/B001NXDNCK/ref=sr_5_20/?cAsin=B001NXDN3O&fromPage=search&qid=1284684554364&sr=5-20&asins=B00303FOJG,B0039RMKIQ,B003FZDBEY,B002ZNKA5A,B001B6L94I,B00307S1UQ,B002C4K4NK,B0033UW48A,B0021H2HRY,B001B51WR8,B002UKPKFI,B002L16ZPU,B002QV0IA8,B0039RP7RM,B002UUTBCG,B002TSAWTU,B0012G6CE4,B0039RS8F0,B002LZT5RQ,B001NXDN3O,B002NU6MSO,B0036WRZ70,B00313JJ8W,B0039RGVMM,B003BEE23S,B001M4G4YO,B002RY8F18,B0036WRYC6,B001AZLL7A,B003AKYSB4,B001N0LTZ6,B000M2AM8Q,B002HJ2E8S,B002E1AQVG,B002Z12W1W,B003DA5LDK,B003NE6GYE,B002P8MHD8,B002TSAWWM,B003C1PJ3W&asinTitle=Pro-Keds%20Royal%20Lo%20Leather%20Sneaker&contextTitle=search%20results&page=5&size=40&page=5&node=242289011&nodes=242289011&sort=shoesbrowserel2

LEATHER PRO_KEDS

http://www.endless.com/Volatile-Elevation-Rhinestone-Fashion-Sneaker/dp/B003I54VTK/ref=sr_6_20/?cAsin=B0015CP8EA&fromPage=search&qid=1284684910095&sr=6-20&asins=B001CEE1LC,B0018AK3XU,B001GIP1H2,B002L6GZIC,B001SEQUPQ,B00342W9H8,B002LZT1MK,B0026S9VBI,B003MAJZ56,B000PCCANI,B001UQ5B20,B001M4CAKG,B0039RRXJM,B002MD0IW8,B0018ANMAG,B0038NBFJ6,B003C1PL3A,B003GXG5GG,B000F5V6CQ,B0015CP8EA,B001TODE3G,B003EE7VUQ,B00300HXR0,B0012DO9TC,B0039RM3N8,B001W02M3K,B002FRH928,B002PDOMVI,B000Q918U6,B001UQ5C4M,B0027VSWR8,B00303FQ9Y,B002T4546A,B002G9ACZG,B003C1PBPI,B003NE6GU8,B0012DQE68,B0024NLBCW,B000LV827Q,B00178RS8Q&asinTitle=Volatile%20Elevation%20Rhinestone%20Fashion%20Sneaker&contextTitle=search%20results&page=6&size=40&page=6&node=242289011&nodes=242289011&sort=shoesbrowserel2

PLATFORMS

SHOESies.

http://www.shoes.com/Shopping/ProductDetails.aspx?p=EC2000161&pg=5126516
http://www.shoes.com/Shopping/ProductDetails.aspx?p=EC1208465&pg=5119955
GOLD SHOES


http://www.shoes.com/Shopping/ProductDetails.aspx?p=EC1214905&pg=5123247
HIGHTOPS


http://www.shoes.com/Shopping/ProductDetails.aspx?p=EC1055612&pg=5046745
GREY of my already faves!


http://www.shoes.com/Shopping/ProductDetails.aspx?p=EC1055612&pg=5046745
BLACK of my already faves!


http://www.shoes.com/Shopping/ProductDetails.aspx?p=EC1195152&pg=5113872
PEACOCK TENNIES


http://www.shoes.com/Shopping/ProductDetails.aspx?p=EC1100072&pg=5079897
VELCRO KICKS

oh,bum.

I miss Harley.

: (

He loves me. He barked because he was missing me. Because he missed me. Because he loved me.

Sometimes

I feel sad that no one reads my blog anymore.
That I changed the address so no one could find me.
That no one can listen to me now.
Because I either end up feeling spied on, judged, told on, or pointless.

No one can hear me now.

Ah, flash from the past. (A blog much like the ones I wrote years ago. It's nice being the same as I always was. Maybe I'm coming back.)

Q: Do alcoholics have withdrawal?


Perhaps addicts don't feel like they're "addicts" because to them, they need what they're addicted to.. to be the way they enjoy being, or to endure life the way that certain substance or thing provides aid for. To them, it's just an edit to life- an alteration that they're choosing. And they're choosing so, because they fancy it much better- or at least some better. They think they're controlling it, and maybe they are! Outsiders are so privvy to be against every thing ever (just along different parts of one enormous timeline), that we see what someone is doing, ..and if WE aren't doing it, then it's "wrong" and *there has to be a word to describe that wrong* (*: thoughts): "..addiction." Really though, ..we are all individuals. We're each proud to claim that when it comes in handy/best suits us, but when it comes to other people, or our faults, our blametudes, our issues, and our coping-mechanisms, decisions, alterations, ideas, and tools even, --we're gawked at, accused of blasphemy, and we're put aside to be mocked and humiliated and to be questioned severly, usually, as if we are wrong. As if we are "addicts." When really, ..all we're doing is taking care of our individual self, in the way that works best for who we are and who we want to be and what we want to live like, and experience.

All I'm saying is: fuck you.

145.

http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1897332443.html

**http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1896371755.html
*http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1896030077.html
**http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1895519095.html

http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1896778875.html

145+191= 150+186=200+136=336-150=186
-191.21 (12
+150.28 (6
=123
=73
25 (4
=98
-80 (3
+172.73 (28



http://evansville.craigslist.org/apa/1897236888.html

Shoes I want. Music I like.

http://www.atseoul.com/shop/item.php?it_id=1018769432


http://www.atseoul.com/shop/item.php?it_id=1203187304


---------

Cohen: I have a dream

Audie Darling

The Delano Orchestra

Hannah Fury: Scarborough Fair

Julie Feeney: You Bring Me Down

Nicole Simone

Nathan Larson

Kaada

Arms and Sleepers

The American Dollar

The Court and Spark

Interstellar

Faultline

TV on the Radio

*Kings of Convenience

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_HXUhShhmY&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Transfer'd.

9:55pm 10/19/04

mood: loved
This is the best day of my life so far..
I will start out by telling you about my day, then everytime (-) that sign comes up, that means it is something that neeeds to be known before I continue.

Okay, today, I went to church with Gram and Pop. I was almost asleep and then Pop gave me a piece of candy. I put it in my mouth and it was really nasty so I went to the bathroom to spit it out. On the way back, I peeked in the nursery and Tonya was in their with the two little girls. I stayed in there with her and watched them, too. We talked about her boyfriend and how Whitney was talking about me behind my back. i asked her if Zach was going to Santa Switch with her and she said she's going to ask him. Then, Gram came in and said that she was just checking on me since I never came back. Then a little later, Lindsay came in and told Tonya that baby Christopher's diaper needed changed, then she left. Tonyadid that and I put the girl's socks and shoes on them. Lindsay came back and said 'Thanks, Tonya, they were driving me insane.' then left. I was like YOUR WELCOME B*TCH! Then, church was over and they said that we have Christmas play practice tonight at 4. So I went to Mom's, because she told me that we would have spaghetti if I came, then we watched a gay ass movie on Indians..it was boring...and then it was timeto go. She took me and Josh to the church and I played with Christopher. Then everyone else got there and she told us what our assigned parts were. I am 'The Christian' and a speaker for a news station..I am cool with that..Then, when we were finished, unexpectedly, LadAwn came in and everyone was like 'LADAWN!' and I stood up and was like 'Ladawn?' and I said 'Are you here to take me?' and she said ya? and we left! We went to her church and had fun..I sat down and was totally unshy! and then everyone got there, and William came and I showed him the ring he gave me and he was happy, haha. (quater-FUCK-machine ring)
then ANYWAYS, Ladawn and me and Devon and Johnathon (sp?) and Alex were uin the dining room and Ladawn looked at me and said 'Tab? whose pick is that?' and I said 'Chris's' and she said 'oooh, is that your BOYFRIEND?' and I said 'nooo...?' and then I realized that she was trying to makie Alex jeoulous. hahaha. THEN
we went and played in the church for awhile, then we went and played in the parking lot..I watched and cheered..then we went back inside and I sat on a chair by Alex. Then I saw William on the couch and went and sat by him. Then Alex came over and sat on the arm of the couch (at the other end) and then I noticed J. standing aginst the wall listening to Alex play, then he came over and sat by me. I had my arm wrapped in William's and then J. accidently kicked my foot. I looked at him, and he didn't realize that he did anything. Then he did it again, he looked like he didn;t mean to, so I didn't say anything to him. Then he squeezed my shoe and I was like okay...aND i Put my legs on him and then he put his foot on mine. and then he moved his feet and layed himself next to me and his head was laying on my shoulder. Then William got up and went into another room and J. said 'you can scoot down if you want' and I started to, then I stopped and I said 'no, I am okay' and he kinda laughed and said 'ohh, you're okay, are you?' and Layed on me again. Then he sat up and put his arm around me and then he moved my legs and puthis ther hand under my knees. He then picked me up and sat me right on top of him, and Jessie came over and said 'That isn't allowed in our youth group' and he said 'what?' and she said 'no, no, no' and he said 'Okay' and moved his hand under my knees again and said 'there, now it looks like I am about to pick her up, except-sitting down.' and she said 'okay!' and left. Then he picked me up and carried me around the house...haha. and then he carried me outside because Alex took my shoes off me feet and ran outside. so we followed him (me still in his arms)and we got them back. Then we got yelled at and had to go inside and help clean. so he put me down and we helped then I ran outside because I noticed Ladawn and Jessie and Abby werwe all gone and they were in the back. I talked to them and they were like 'awww, we saw you, we saw you..' and I was so excited. Then we all went back to the front and everyone was coming out. so we stayed outside and J. came over to me and grabbed my hand, I said 'they;re cold' and he said ya they are..and he held my hands and we walked to the parking lot, on our way, Alex said 'bye everyone I love except for tab' and I said huh? because all I heard was my name..and he said jk, and I said what did you say? and he told me and I was like uh! and he said I would give you a hug but my hands are full (his guitar and Amp)..and then we all walked to Abby';s car because she wanted me to hear Frickin A, and he went with me and got behind me and out his arms around my waist..then CDevon and William came up and were doing the imaginary telephone thing and 'called' J. and he said hold on, I am going to four-way Tab...haha. BUT BEFORE THAT, BEOFRE ALEX SAID WHAT HE SAID, J. asked me how I was getting home, and I said Ladawn and he said Oh YA..BACK TO THE END-he had to leave.

*1.) He would have given me a ride home, yet he would not give Alex a ride (he had to go with Abby)

*2.) My first time even holding HANDS with a guy.

*3.) This was the BEST day EVERRRRR.

*4.) J. is a so[phmore at Castle... :(

*5.) I have not been able to stop smiling since all this happened....

*6.) It is so much better than you can even REALIZE even with this update!

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAsmYYNe

Transfer'd. ESSAY

10:21pm 10/10/04 English Essay

mood: artistic
music: AFI
Tabytha Kalene Miller
Mrs. Skinner
English 9H-5
9 September 2004

Tabytha Kalene Miller Inside-Out

I am destroyed by the inside. I disassociate. I hope to destroy the outside. It will alleviate me and elevate me. Like water flowing into lungs, I'm flowing through these days. As morphine cuts through deadened veins, I'm numbing in these days. I know what died that night. It can never be brought back to life. Once again, I know, I know.
-AFI, Sing the Sorrow


Those song lyrics, sung by AFI, explains what I feel presently which is my third stage. My three lifetime events that have affected my life the most include; my prissy little girl stage, my rebellious stage, and my present stage.

In my first stage, I started out as a little girl who was absolutely perfect. I was a sweet, mannerly young lady. I loved pink and I loved shopping. My role models were my grandmother and sister. I looked up to my sister. She would always bail me out of trouble and be on my side no matter what-or so I thought. I was a naive child. I thought I really knew a lot. Everyone liked me and I was always influenced by my two role models and did everything I thought I was supposed to.

In my second stage, I realized that I knew absolutely nothing at all. I needed to learn everything from my own experiences instead of trusting others' judgments. I started out trying to prove myself worthy of being a special individual, unique in everyway. No one thought I was being true to myself and they hated what I was becoming. My family disapproved' my sister, LaDawn, pushed me into the 'Gothic' phase, which I enjoyed quite a bit. She approved of me for awhile until she abruptly changed her mind and decided that she did not agree that I was being myself, as well as the rest of the family. That is another time in which I realized that I was a naïve girl who knew nothing about the real facts of life. I figured out that nobody is one my side and is I was going to be myself no matter what it took then I would have to do it alone. I had very few friends and people considered me to be a 'poser'. I started hating everyone and everything. The only thing I had was music. I absolutely fell in love with the music that was introduced to me by LaDawn and her friends. That is one thing I will always be grateful for, the introduction of my life as it is presently.

I am currently into stage three of the most important events that have occurred throughout my life which really has no title. I am now at the point where I am trying to push back my depression and anger with happiness and the wonders of life. I constantly find myself trying searching for love and so far have been unsuccessful in doing so. I have found the majority of who I am and who I wish to be, and I am very proud of that. It took me a long time, but I know that most people will never even realize that they are not who they think they are. There is deepness in your inner being and it takes some time to find it. I found my strength which happens to be writing poetry and stories which I am starting to write a book called Suicide Letter. It is about my life story and how I have come to be who I am today. I am still very much in love with music, especially the depressing love songs by emo bands. I am currently trying to find myself in opinions of God; I am attending a Penecostal and Lutheran church. I am in favor of the Lutheran church so far. English is my favorite subject in school and I have not made up my mind about what I will become as an adult, but maybe an English teacher.



So I feel like I have had a delusion for a life and I am now beginning what I hope brings me happiness and a world worth living in. I remain wanting to change the way the world perceives people and children such as myself. The world will one day know who I am and what I am. I have a purpose and I appreciate every time someone takes the time to pay attention to me. I am getting one step closer each and every day to changing the world, be it through music or through my books or even my poetry. It will be done one day.

Transfer'd.

1:03am 4/8/04

mood: calm
music: the Good Life CD
I had really wanted to write something deep, but I have nothing to say right now. I am only explaining my poeticness to Andrew and Andrew's cousin..

I love how hott Kumar looks when he is stoned. :)

I love snow and rain. I love playing in both.

I love poetry.
-I will make a poem about my true loves.

I love baby animals.

I love my ears.

I love my creativity.

I love my 2 favorite bands..
-Story of the Year and B.E

I love D.D.

I love Edward Sciss.

I love CiCi's and Fazzoli's and Sbarro.

I love HotTopic and Journey's.

I love being at home alone talking on the PC and listening to the radio.


I m beginning to like my legs.
I m beginning to like my eyes.
I m beginning to like my hands.
I m beginning to like my...well, no, I guess that is all.

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAsN4hSS

Transfer'd.

11:32pm 7/28/04

mood: annoyed
sometimes, I think it is so ignorant of me to ask repetitively (sp?)-I am stretching my vocabulary-it is so ignorant on my part to keep asking to get online just to be on for this. I hardly ever have anyone talking to ME, I am always talking to them and I feel like I am bugging everyone, which I really should not care because Ihave decided to not care about anyone else excluding myself. I piss myself off becauseI think I am changing and alot of times I am not. who knows? who honestly knows? and do not say God because I do not want to get into that subject right now.. back to the original subject-I get so mad because I think about something or someone and get all excited about it and want to get online and talk to that person or tell people something small that has just recently occurred in my life that is pointless within itself by the way. and then I feel as though I always have to write down what has happened to me in this stupid L.J where everyone can see it, why is that?> I mean, it isn't like anyone reads it anyways and people that do read it only read it because they have nothing better to do except read about oter people's lives. and I am talking about myself also. but nobody comments and you know why that is? because no one cares. and the few that do comment, well, I cannot tell you why they do. I am sorry. I comment on people because I do not want them to feel like I do. why should I care? I know I shouldn't but that doesn't change anything. I need to stop and isolate myself from the world. maybe then, I would feel alright, I doubt it. who knows? I cannot talk to anyone about anything. nothing helps, and if it does then it is only for a little while. I started on here in a good mood, I have no idea what set me off. I do not care what you think. commenty if you want. no one cares. be a bitch. no one cares.

have fun. party. drink. get high. no one cares.

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAsAA16u

Transfer'd.

11:52pm 7/26/04

mood: accomplished
music: Soap Net!!
I am going to describe myself the best I can with what I have learned about myself lately...

I still like the things I have liked, such as, spaghetti and chocolate and black and baby animals..

I am the kind of person who is trying to sink deeper than needed to find out who I am and why I am, while others go through life never knowing or caring.

I am going to start caring about myself and let everyone else look out for themselves. No more comments made by me unless I am asked. No more mean comments to anyone even siblings unless I feel that I strongly need to argue for myself.

I refuse to feel sorry for myself when there are millions of people around the world getting raped right now and people getting murdered by the least suspected person in there world..I am better off.

I am going to decide if I truly believe and God and if I do then I have to do better at following the 10 commandments.

I have decided that I do not hate boys, I just hate how some boys are and/or act sometimes. I like boys alot, and it doesn't hurt to look sometimes. I have realised that I need to go with the flow and let the right guy find me since I have looked everywhere I could possibly think to look for him. I know that he is out there and he will find me.

I realise that I am a person and I should be treated like one. People can either treat me right or not, I do not care. you can like me or hate me, it is your choice. I am going to be myself and good luck with being yourself.

I am poetic and that is very good considering it gives me something to share with the world. It gives me something to do and to explain my feelings and thoughts into words.

I love music, I do not care if you like it or not. Music is my anti-drug. haha. I will continue loving music and listening to lyrics understand me.

I do not do drugs and I am not going to. I am not an alcoholic, I will have 'fun' every once in awhile.

I know that we are each going to die one day and we should do what makes us happy. If that includes smoking on your part, I do not and will not say a word against it unless you ask. Be happy.

I think friends should be there for you always. Be on your side everytime. Take up for you when someone is talking about you. Won't fight over a guy or anything stupid like that.

I think bf's should love you and appreciate your individuality. Recognize your creativity and determination. Love your mind, body and soul. Always be there for you no matter what happens and if there is a time when you need to seperate because of a personal problem, they will respect that and remain at your side and be your prince to slay the dragon everytime you need it.

I am going to be an outgoing person. I am going to appreciate more. I am going to love and allow myself to be loved. I am going to drown myself in tears while watching Moulin (sp?) Rouge. I am going to find myself and bring it out for the world to see. I am not going to stop trying to make everyone see that there is more to a person than appearance alone. I am going to keep working on changing the world to understand the non-understandables.

I am going to continue excelling at my passions; writing stories, poems, and hopefully lyrics. Playing guitar and listening to music.

I am-myself, finally.




***I just feel as though you guys should know. I have found myself and I know it will help me as things ahead get better and worse. I hope you guys have something of a goal as I did with finding myself. Good luck and if you care enough you will find it.

Transfer'd.

3:01pm 7/12/04

mood: distressed

I have a really bad problem. I cannot really put it in here unless I limit my thing to only let users see it..I just do not know what to do now. My friend likes this guy and likes being around him. She was totally convinced that he was the one for her, now she has changed her mind already. she thought he was her 'soul mate'. She is one of those people who like someone alot and once they start liking her too, she changes her mind about them. don't you hate those kind of people? I do. I have no idea of what kind of advice to give her. all she wants is someone to listen to her and make it seem as if everything is alright when they are together, is there anyone in existance like that?

Alright, I am going to decide what kind of person I want to be. okay? nevermind, I am not asking you. I do not care what any of you think, I will do what I want-when I want. and I am going to do that. I have recently discovered that nobody can control me and/or make me think anything I don't want to think. I am in charge of myself. and yes-I may need advice time-to-time, but most people do..

I am having a really hard time right now, and I am feeling as though this vacaion is not going to be a stress-reliever (sp?) instead it will just give me more time to think about it all...

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAqBBxRy

Transfer'd. POEM

10:09pm 7/6/04 Poems

mood: artistic
music: the Darkness-blah blah blah-Forever....


Black Rose* June-04-
-----------
Her eyes full of sorrow,
the lack of tomorrow...
With more pain than gain,
it's too hard to stay sane.
She feels so alone,
not a call on the phone.
Nobody cares,
to learn what she bares..
A new heart to borrow,
just to break again tomorrow..
Music is her main,
but everything else seems vain.
All that was known,
now needs to be sewn..
Sick of using feelings as fare,
like some sort of dare.
Everthing's the same,
hurt from this game.


Ray of Sunshine* -04-
---dedicated to Jessi---
A small ray of sunshine
coming through the rain..
They'll slowly entwine
enhancing the pain.
Don't let it reach through
stay free, stay true.
Don't create hate,
let love shine through.
It's not your fate,
too many few..
You know the saying
'If you can't beat em,
join em'
That's bull crap,
it's just a trap.
Don't get lost in the rain,
keep trying,
forget about the pain,
soon the sun'll be shining.


Six LiL Roses* M.D.-04-
----Dedicated to Gram---
We know roses are red
and violets are blue.
But something new
is that's not always true..
You know and love six lil roses
some bigger than others.
Some are sisters
and some are brothers.
You've watched and helped them through the years
alot of smile and alot of tears..
Your six lil roses are growing up strong
because of the love you've passed along.
They'll repay the debt
as they give and get.
Who knew
this is what your love could do..

Solumn Pain* May 31-04-
------------------------
A child of neglection,
eternal misery.
Some could call rejection,
with small mystery..
Not ugly or dumb,
just a disappointment.
Another misunderstanding,
a nobody.
Somebodys suck anyway,
stuck up.
Too good,
perfectly grown-up.
A kid of controversy
unlike the rest.
Quiet and loud,
the best of the worst.
She's the kiss of death
dreaded.
Alone, yet semi-content,
black threaded.
Conscious enough to wish she wasn't
though scared to end herself.
No stop to the endless insanity,
everlasting life.
A poem of solumn policies,
confused.
Another day of pain,
knives in the kitchen...
Still unused.


Disappear* June 26-04-
----------------------
Someday soon I'll disappear..
Not show a smile, or a tear.
Just to shy away from fear,
and find the sweetest dear of dears.
I'll never be far from near
but all the same, away from here.
The problems are all too clear
the punishment-too severe.
This pain and sorrow yet to vear,
keep reoccurring-reappear.
And here I am again to steer,
to a solumn nothing peir-
As I wait to disappear...

For Morgan* -04-
---dedicated to Holly---
Even though we aren't together now,
you will forever be:
the happiness in my Happy Meal.
the tracks for my train.
the beat of my heart.
the president of my US.
the King of my world.
my honey from the bees.
the fudge in my sundae.
the beauty of my flower.
the colors in my rainbow.
the music in my ears.
the Friday in my week.
the cardboard of my box.
the conductor of my orchestra.
the wizard of my Oz.
the sun in my sky.
the love of my life.
I'll give you all the time you need,
I will await your love forever.

Nothing.*
---------
A whirlwind of variety,
much more than ever'll be known.
Definition of society,
the lies have already been grown.
A world of right and wrong,
the right opinion matters.
Like the lyrics in a song,
some lives are torn to tatters.
Through the thoughts and dreams of much,
the answer will come clear.
Though many storms or lies in such,
the outcome will be fear.

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wAphAABY

Transfer'd.

2:45pm 7/3/04

mood: restless
music: Motley Crue : 1
I wish I was..
-a newborn kitten.
-a rainbow.
-a cloud filled with snow.
-a vampire.
-a song sang over and over.
-a color..along the lines of a new black?
-a depressing poem meaning something to everyone.
-a breeze.
-a shoe.
-butterfly.

I wish I was.

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wApYwOuO

Transfer'd. POEM

Monday, October 22, 2007

7:56pm 7/2/04
mood: you tell ME how I feel...
Stinging the eyes of the beholder,
sweet pain and sorrow reach the surface..
trying so hard to be bolder,
wrapped in precious crispy lace...
the girl of unknown horror,
replying to the unheard silence..
some feelings rose and tore her,
losing all signs of common sense.
a poem of small importantance,
with small meaning to those who just don't know..
in eyes with an everlasting dance,
in the 'kill me slowly' show..
sorry just don't cut it
forever suffer is her destiny..
feeling as though bit
a poison now rests in she..
quiet and alone and yet
a glimpse of help?
don't want to owe the debt
or on her heart a remaining welp..
follow into with a frown
not knowing the future or beyond..
maybe a world worse than down,
or a beautiful existance-fond........

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=12#ixzz0wApMOFuu

Transfer'd.

Monday, October 22, 2007

8:57pm 6/24/04
mood: gloomy

I wander...
Looking for a beautiful silence.

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=13#ixzz0wApCnXXi

Old blogs from myspace. Transfer'd. POEM

Monday, October 22, 2007

06:15pm 6/19/04
mood: calm
Her eyes full of sorrow,
The lack of tomorrow…
With more pain than gain,
It's so hard to stay sane.
She feels so alone,
Not a call on the phone.
Nobody cares,
To learn what she bares…
A new heart to borrow,
Just to break again tomorrow.
Mausic is her main,
But everything else seems vain.
All that was known,
Now needs to be sewn.
Sick of using feelings as fare,
Like some sort of dare.
Everything's the same,
Just hurt from this game…

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/readmyworld104/blog?page=13#ixzz0wAougdTU

I had a dream.

I had a dream that I was seeing someone, and that I was in a van just chillin' and Andy Hull got in the front seat (I was in the back). He mentioned something nonsignificant about the guy I was seeing, and then pulled out this super-wrinkled piece of notebook paper and explained that it was part of a song he wrote. He read some then stopped, and I took it and read the rest, and was all "whoa, dude." We just kind of stared at each other, sharing a moment. Then we leaned towards each other and kissed really really softly. Paused, then backed up, and he said something about the guy I'm seeing, and I said that it's over without being officially over, in the fact that he still tries to talk to me, but he knows it's not going to go anywhere because I already told him. We changed the subject to Andy's other songs, how he has more he's written that no one's seen, and that I'd like to see them.. And I asked if he really did write all of those songs for the band, and he said yeah, most of them. I scooted up the the back of his seat, and rushed in and kissed him really hard, and he kissed me back, and I woke up smiling.

Then, I was walking on the road someplace w Pop and Josh, and we walked for ages. On the way back though, Pop put me on his shoulders. It was crazy, 'cause I'm so adult-sized and too big for him, but he walked like I was a feather. It was fun.

And, then me and Pop went to the restroom in some building, and on our way back out, in a hallway, there were a lot of doors, and we passed the last door, and we heard a tattoo gun, and looked inside, and a skinny chick was getting tattooed on her calf, but on the front, and on the bone part-- of bones. Not of the leg bone that was being tattooed on, but of a vertebre on her leg. And then the guy had her flip, and he did the same thing on the back of her leg. And we just stared, and she got up and showed us that she had the vertebre tattoo all over her body, where her skeleton could've gone. It was weird.

The end. PS, I like the first part the best. The end end.

I'm totally "in it" right now.

I just had a big day.

Got up at 4am to take a shower and do my hair.

Went to work, got off work at 12:30 (overtime! :D,
ran over to the movies to get my check, then
headed to my interview (to which I would've been hired if I'd quit my other job),
went to the bank...
Bought myself an ice cream, to make up for my disappointment towards the interview,
got gas! Filled my tank up! :) :) :)
Went home, took an hour nap...
Got up, went to work, got off around 11:20ish.

And I took Harley out, then this stranger guy came and picked me up, and I went w him on his motorcycle. I went around 11:40, and just got back (1:43).

I'm so tired. My eyes are really red, like I just smoked the best pot ever.


----------

Yeah, so I went on a bike in the middle of the night w a strange guy who I didn't even know, or know what he looked like. Yeah. He's friends w me on facebook, and has talked w me before. But I went. Why? Because I had a weird, fucked day. I needed relief. I didn't get hit by a train on the way home, so why not go w a stranger? At least I'd be on a motorcycle. Even if I did get into a wreck or get kidnapped or something. At least I'd been on a motorcycle.

---------

So, I was thinking.

It's so hard to give up something that you love.
It's so hard for me to give up something that I love.

I deal w losing things by not being around them ever, not thinking about them, not hearing about them, not coming in contact w anything that will remind me of them.

This was the case for the beach, after the Florida disappointment. This was the case for Dakota after the New Years big hurrah. This was the case for Ladawn after wtf happens. Etc etc.

What I realized tonight, is that sometimes, I have to let go. I don't have to push things away necessarily, but I have to stop grasping to things so tightly.

I miss Valerie. I do. I missed her a lot soon after the fall-out, and I felt numb to it in the in-between time, but it's because I dealt w it as I explained above. Recently, I have missed her a lot. Maybe more than when I first missed her. So I got ahold of her. And talked to her. Tried to explain my new methods and thoughts and feelings and all. She responded as she'd always responded, and was nice and said we should hang out, but.. it wasn't right. For some reason, it just didn't feel right. It made me feel weird for not thinking it was okay, and then I felt bad for having texted her just to leave her empty-handed, but I guess I realized it then too: you just have to let go sometimes.

I miss Dakota a lot. :( I think about him more than I want to, believe me. I talk about him more than I want to. It's always "what's your life about, Tab?" and I'm all "movies, travelling, fucking shit up, Dakota-- I have a new nephew!" :l

It sucks. It really blows, actually. I always think of what he'd say, or what he'd said in relation to whatever I'm dealing with, or who, or what I'm doing. On the way to my interview, I heard in my head "you've got this." And I responded with "yeah fuckin' right." Sarcastically, obviously. But it sucks.

He's doing really great though. According to his blog, in which I stalk. Which, makes me strange. Um.


Yeah, though.

I also realized that, hey, he's right.
I need to find myself. I took so much offense to that before, when he'd say it. I was pissy because I know my personality, I know what I'm working with when it comes to myself, and I know how I function and how I think. I thought he was insulting that. But, even if that is what he meant, that's still solid. I have found that I can be happy. I just have to tune myself down a little more.

For instance:

-I have an attention issue. I need it, I crave it, I beg for it, and I get it. Or I get mopey until I get it, or get shitty and then isolate myself and THEN I get it when I get back to the real world. It's a cycle. And it's fucking vicious.

I know that I could delete my facebook. I know that it wouldn't be the end of the world, especially since I don't have my own computer even.
I also know that I could get my texting removed from my plan. I only really texted facebook and Dakota like crazy, so it wouldn't be an enormous loss.

But... I cling to it for security. I'll explain later on.

-I have a superiority complex. For whatever reason, I think that I'm incredible. I think that I am incredible, and no one sees it but me, and no one can acknowledge just how great I am, in the ways that I personally know myself to be so great. That being said, I still put myself before others, because I know I'm not a huge loss to the world. I could do something, I am someone, I can do stuff that not everyone can do or will do. Thus, I am first. I take care of me, I look out for me, I strive for me, and I talk to you for me.

It's true.
But, I value what you have to say. I believe some of you (mostly when what you say is half-and-half: half- down to earth, half- sweet and endearing), and I don't believe a lot of you (usually when you say shit that is super nice, or cliche, or if whatever you're saying sounds like something you think I want to hear). But I listen, and I ask. I believe in you, but I really seem to believe that I believe in you, more than you could believe in yourself. Or that anyone else could believe in you. That me having that faith in you, is going to be what makes the difference.

Again, I don't know why I think like this. It'd be interesting to find out, ha.

-I find it difficult to deal with change. This is true, and so I take control of it. I plan things out, I plan out my life, my jobs, my kids, my husbands, my rules, my big life-happenings. I make things happen in my head, then jump to make it happen out loud, and that's when the spontaneity comes about. I just do whatever I think. If it's a good idea to me, I'll plan it out real fast- make it doable, and do it. Jump. It's what I do. I do it before something does me. Feel me?

I could just ..not. I could not talk about my thoughts and ideas. I could just not act on what I want (even though, when I come up w an idea or theory, once my brain has been adjusted to that, I have the ability to make myself feel literally sick if I don't do anything about my current situation) (<= sucks, but it's true). I could just breathe, every day, just breathe. Just concentrate on breathing. And after a while, see what's happened.



I dunno, dude. I have a lot to say, but I'm getting hungry because I've been up so long, and I'm so tired, my eyelids are swollen and heavier, and my fingers are hurting just from typing and stretching to type. I'm so tired, so hungry, so sleepy, so exasperated, so anxious but relaxed weirdly, so sad, and so content. I just don't know what to say or do, really. I just want to relax. I just want to calm down, and this be this and that be that. My brain is what sucks really. It just keeps going and going. Goes in circles, goes in patterns, goes in random directions, creating new paths. I don't know what to do to make it stop. To make it chill, so I can chill. Pot's all that I know of so far.

Um.

I.

Well. I just don't know.



Buhbye.

Jesus.

My mom's literally putting my pills in my mouth, holding the bottle to my lips, and checking under my tongue and on the inside of my cheeks to make sure I swallowed them.


Thanks, mom.

What you've heard is true.

I'm having a love affair with my bathtub.


With every bathtub I see.

_x___

Growing up, you learn things from your environments, and from how your family members are.

I learned:

-to be friendly to everyone

-to be a good liar

-to be a bad liar

-how to manipulate

and,

-to be kind to a person, until their back is turned.




I took those things though, and altered them to what I see to be right and wrong, and what is beneficial to me as a person, and how to learn from those things.

At least I can say that I learned to not do the last one.

So many possibilities.. So many ways to go.. So many things to choose from.. All the things that I could know..

:)

Better?

So.

I broke up with Dakota.


He said his goodbyes to me, over and over.
I tried to explain everything thoroughly. Multiple times.

I tried to get him to be friends with me.
He won't.

I get that, in a way, but in another way, I think that's really ..ridiculous.

Um.

This is a break-up for me, too. I think that is really overlooked.
This isn't just poor him. This isn't exactly poor me, but it is hard for me.

Like.. It's weird. A lot weirder than I would've expected it to be.

I'm not sure if it's because I really thought I had it, and now, suddenly, I don't? Or because I had him back and I let myself believe that, and again, suddenly I don't? Or maybe because I just lost my best friend, as well as my boyfriend? Or, because I actually put everything I had into this, and it didn't work out. And I had to end it.

I have no reason to explain what I felt or how I feel now, or what's going on with this situation, really, but goddamn it, this is MY blog, and I have the right to say what's going on in my head. So, Katherine Ethridge, fuck off. Dakota Madden, mind your own fucking business. Just because you guys are mentioned doesn't mean you need to involve yourself in my shit. 'k? So, fuck off.

(They probably aren't reading this. I just felt stressed for a moment, thinking of that possibility.) (I'd read her blog when she was shit-talking Dakota, and then me. And I've read his recently, too. So I know it's a fair chance that they're still doing it to me.) (Aren't triangles fun?) (<= ha)

Anyway.





I don't understand why people can't separate, and be cordial. Instead of putting each other down, or one putting the other down. It's as if there's no way to be accepting of facts, because everything is too emotionally-involved.

People lose their brains, because pride is always at risk.

I'm not trying to hurt anyone's pride. He's taking it that way, obviously.



This was different than anything that has happened.

The rumor is that it either could've been seen from miles and miles away, or we were so in sync that it's just a huge shock.

This wasn't as it had been.
And people who keep saying that obviously have no idea what they're talking about. Although, that's very common when it comes to situations that they aren't involved in. I can say that because only Dakota and myself would be able to understand this, and he's refusing to try to understand. So, who's mature here?

I did not fuck him over.

I love him just as much as he says he loves me.

I just know what I know.


I didn't do anything to anyone. I told him the truth. Of how I felt, and what I knew, and what I saw and what I realized. And, I'm supposed to feel punished for having done that. If that's the way of it, some relationship, huh. Come on, people. Get off me, seriously.


I can't read minds. I think it's nice, the nice things he's said about me since this ordeal, but ...all I can say is that it would've been nice to hear those things before we broke up. Instead of me just supposing to assume any of that, let alone all of it.


I wake up in the morning, feeling like P. Diddy.
Wait. Let me rephrase that..
I wake up in the morning, and I want to text Dakota.

I want to talk to him, and tell him stuff, and be retarded, and shit.
But I don't get to anymore.

And is that my fault? No. Yes, and no.
Do I blame myself? No. Do I blame anyone? No. I don't.


But when something happens that seems out of the ordinary, weird, hilarious, or really stupid, I want to tell him about it.

And I can't.

When I need someone to talk to, I don't have him.

I don't get to have him anymore.


And he's going to play like I don't exist anymore.

But I do exist.
I'm here, alive and living.

I'm still going to be here. So.

Ha.



I think about it a lot.

I always thought of him a lot. He was always on my mind.

And I just felt like I was bothering him or irritating his day by interrupting.

I didn't feel like I was as present to him as he was to me.


It doesn't matter now.


I miss him. I really do miss him. And it's as if I'm not allowed. But, fuck that. And fuck people. I'm tired of their judgmental bullshit, and dramatic games. You don't know shit. You don't know him, you don't know me, you don't know us, you don't know what happened, you don't know both sides of the story, you don't know what's going on now, you don't know what I think, or how I feel, or what I want.


And even though I miss him and love him, he's handling this really unkindly. He could be worse, no kidding, I know that very well. Been there, had that. But, there are some low-blows he's trying to pull off.

I'm not attacking anyone.

I just don't like how it's being blown.



As much as you're wanting to think this is you being the victim and me being the super-villian here, I'm not and you're only half.

I didn't do this TO you/ TO Dakota. I did this for us, for me.
I did what I knew I had to do.

I gave him my heart, too.

He just didn't take advantage of it.

Seems like he lost sight of me. Who I am. Who I've always been. Seeing as I've always been a runner, always been hard to love, always been scared of big stuff, always been trying to find the best thing for me.

Sorry you couldn't foresee things. I did. And I tried to help myself by fixing things as we went. As I went. And, I tried to talk things through. I tried to focus on the great stuff. I bragged about having him, to everyone. People knew about him, he wasn't my secret. He had no reason to be jealous of other guys, ever. People knew to not mess with me. I blocked my own self-shot shots. God. I went through some obstacles and I overcame some blockades of my own. Sometimes I didn't need him, because I did it all by myself. Sometimes, I did need his help and I got it without even telling him wtf was really happening. And, sometimes, things slip through the cracks. Parts of me are unstoppable.

I tried so hard.

No one will ever know.

I gave all of me to him, and to our relationship.

It wasn't enough. I can't fight a battle when I'm the only one physically fighting.
I'm sorry he fought in his heart and his head, and not outloud or physically.


I didn't pull the same shit as I had before.
If that's what he believes, then he's a fucking idiot, and a dick, and is clueless. Completely clueless. And rude and inconsiderate, and a jerk. And I don't even have any other words to describe what I really think if that's honestly what he believes.

He couldn't believe that.

If he does, then he's living in the past. He's not able to move forward. Just because the end result is somewhat similar, that does NOT mean that the path was the same, or that the variables of effort and care and self-control were the same.


I'm getting upset talking about this.

I get upset thinking about it throughout the day.

Stop trying to hurt me.

Tab Miller, signing out.

I have nothing to say.

Because I have to justify nothing.

Not to you, and not to Dakota.


I won't shit-talk him.

And I won't cry about him to my goddamn blog.


I'm not wrong.

And he's not going to be able to make me feel like I am.

Thank youuuuu, good stuff.

The baby is here. :) He's 20 inches long, and weighed 7lb 15oz. 7/1/10.

I had an interview that I blew out of the water, on Thursday, also. I passed a drug test, and I was offered the job! I start next Friday!!

My boyfriend is coming home today. And we are going to hang out! We made plans yesterday. I need to planner-insert them to make 'em superduper offish.

Um.. I had a GREAT time at Holiday World yesterday. I pretty much spent the whole day with my mom, and it was fun! She wasn't even a bitch! It could be because I was lookin' sexxay in my sister's bikini, and she didn't want to piss me off so that I'd go wander by myself, lol. But, it was a time to write down and remember later. :)

I work today. 3:30 to close. I'm exhausted right now, as it is.

Then again, last night, I got to celebrateeee ;) with a friend I haven't seen since my gypsie-adventures! That was fun. I'm sorry to hear about his life right now, because I've sort of been there recently myself, but you know. There's was purple in it, so I feel like getting home was a zombie-drive, and my sleep was so thick that I didn't dream, and it was hard for me to get up, ha.

I've been pretty tired the past 4ish days though, so I'm glad to finally have gotten some solid sleep.


Anyway. These past days've been great. :) My mom said I've been living day to day, these past few, and that's why I'm so happy-- but I'm not stupid, I know the circumstances have caused these days to be so great. And they aren't going to be popping up like this out of nowhere for much longer, and then it's going to be harder to be happy again. But not this week, I hope! I'll have Dakota-time, and good work shifts. :) And a babay.

_x___

Sometimes, I feel like what I'm saying is nothing. And I don't want to say anything any more, but I keep saying things, keep saying and keep on saying things things things things things. I keep saying nothing.

And nobody's hearing me.

And nobody can see me.

I can't even see myself. I don't want to see myself anymore. I'm not me. I'm not seeing me anymore. I'm just not seeing me. I can't see me.



I can be invisible.
I don't want to be invisible.
But I don't want to be warped. I don't see me, and you can't see me, and no one can read me, and no one hears me, and I keep on saying nothing. I keep on keep keep talking nothing. And it's nothing. I want to stop talking.

I wish I was beautiful, sometimes.

Sometimes, I wish I was beautiful.

Because I want to look pretty when I wear anything, and do my hair any sort of way.

I want more things to be effortless for me.


But, when I think about it longer than a minute, I know that I'm not really the 'beautiful' type.

I'm not calm and sweet.

I'm not soft-spoken and innocent.

I'm not exactly thoughtful and kind.


I'm pretty much destined to be "cute" forever, I guess.

Which sometimes bums me out. Because I want to be pretty so bad.

But, my personality is more of a 'cute' anyway.

I'm too goofy, and awkward, and funny, and weird to be beautiful or pretty.


Sometimes, though, I wish I wore light pink a lot, and had soft brown hair, and was my natural pale, and had rosy cheeks and big, pink lips, and was a little skinnier, a little taller, a little sweeter.

But, I'm not. I wear gray and black and white and yellow and red, and I have wild, intense hair, and I am different kinds of tan, with rosy cheeks and neutral lips, and I'm average weight and average heighted, and I'm goofy.


I'm just goofy. I'm just this way.
And I can't stop.

So, I get sad that I am not beautiful, and that I'm just cute.

But, I'd rather be cute than be ugly. And a bitch. And lame, and needy.
So, I guess I win anyway.

Dreamers never live.

Someday,

I'd like to have a clean, spacious home with a lot of white walls and black, sexy furniture and clear dishes and decor.

And, I'd like to have Kleenex Puffs in the living room, and I'd like to have a clear bowl of Hersey Kisses or Dove's on each in-table.

I'd also like to make Rice Krispie Treats, and those big things where it's Cool-Whip, then a layer of strawberries, blueberries, etc, then another layer of Cool-Whip, then another layer of berries, then Cool-Whip again. And I want to make them, with one ingredient at a time, so that the kitchen stays beautiful, white and clean, and it looks effortless as I do it.

And, I want to have candles burning almost constantly. Sugary candles, vanilla ones, holiday ones (like pumpkin, candy-cane, etc).

I want to have birthday parties for my children, for our families, at home, like in the backyard or something, with a trampoline and music, and food. And cake, of course. And, perhaps birthday slumberparties for their friends? With breakfast in the morning!?

I want to be organized, with my planner, with my working life, my family, my home. I want to feel secure and stable and content and more relaxed.

FUck off.

My mom's such a bitch.

She asked me if I talked to Dakota today,a nd I said no, he hasn't been on all day. Probably in class. She asked if that was bothering me, and I said probably, kind of. (Because I'm in a shitty mood right now.) And she asked if he was coming home yet or not, and I blew up and said that I didn't know, and that I just fucking don't know. She told me that maybe I should be mean enough to him that maybe he'll break up with me, because that's probably what I want. I said that I wasn't BEING mean to him, and she said well mayb eyou should just break up with him then.

I walked out of the room, and she said "you should go smoke a joint. You'd feel better, I'm sure" in a smirking tone.



Yeah. Yeah, I really really fucking would feel better.

Here's to you.

I
I can't promise you that I won't let you down
And I
I can't promise you that I will be the only one around
When your hope falls down
But we're young
Open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world
And love
This city breathes the plague of loving things more than their creators

I ran away
I could not take the burden of both me and you
It was too fast
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break
When it was a promise I could not make

But what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And now this land
Means less and less to me without you breathing through its trees
At every turn
The water runs away from me and the halo disappears
And the hole when you're not near

So what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

So hold on to what you believed in the light

Who's better at making you feel worthless, than yourself, and then your mother? No one. Maybe God if HE was real.

Follow-Up to "Vent."

I'm not even going to GO back and reread my "Vent" blog, because I've been to work since then, and I feel much differently, and I am not going to let myself be influenced by my past-self. Fuck naw.

SO.

I got called into work 2 hours early, happily.
And, Matt's going to let me borrow 40 bucks, so my mother won't be so mean about me borrowing the money from HER, and she can't hold it over my head.

(Sidenote: Harley just went into his bed, and brought out the floss-rope I'd put in there for him to play with last night, lol. Went in, got the rope, came out. Lols.)


Anyway.
I'm going to continue on this.
I'm going to wait, and be awarded my financial aid (cross my fingers), and I'm going to be a goddamn pre-nursing student. I'm going to.

And, I'd really really like to live somewhere different. Ha!




Um.
Yeah. I should be caught completely up, and be a little tiny bit more comfortable, financially, by mid-late July. Assuming I get at least 35 hours a week (like I have been), anyway, ha.


That theory makes me feel loads better.

I like Dakota.


The End.

Vent.

I broke down again today.

I'd truly love it if this never happened again.
I'm not *foolish* enough to think that it would happen that way.

I thought I'd be a nurse.
I guess I shouldn't try to be things that my body's incapable of handling.
Like, needles and blood being a big part of my career, when I faint involuntarily at the sight, and nearly the idea.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do right now. I was told to not worry about it yet, until I know a little more, ie: the financial aid situation.


I'm going to work a lot, like I'm already doing, and try to get the hell of out this house, first of all. And study really hard for my TA certificate still, since I keep slacking on that. Even though I keep letting it go, the idea of it hasn't changed w me. I still think and feel fondly. Maybe that means something. Like, that I should actually complete it.

I don't know how I'd be able to manage completing that while going to college while working.

Sometimes, I feel like my only real possibility for a career is to go to beauty school all over again.


Sometimes, I feel confident in that idea. Sometimes, I feel like puking.




I don't really know what to do. Sometimes, I wish I didn't have a goddamn car where I have to make payments monthly, and pay full-coverage car insurance.

Really though, I am in love with my car. I'd be so pissed at myself later, if I tried to sell it or something.

I want to get rid of my cell phone, because that's 70 dollars a month, but how would I talk to Dakota? And, emergencies. What if something happened to my grandma? I wouldn't expect anyone to actually come to my house and hope that I'm there, just to tell me what's going on.

My little bills: credit card: 15, NY cc: 25, school loans: 20. 60 dollars altogether, but I can't get rid of those bills until I'm making more than what I need just to get by. And that isn't possible right now. I'm working as much as I can, but I have to work at least 37 hours a week to make my bills.

Most of the time, I can't even afford to really add in that 100 dollars a month, for food and gas. I just wing that shit.



To do what I want to do, I need to make enough to save up a deposit for an apartment, and probably a pet deposit, considering. And an application fee. And maybe a Vectren deposit. That's a lot to be trying to save up for, when I'm barely making it anyway.

Especially since I want to be able to escape to see Dakota every once in a while for a few days.

And go to school, ish, maybe.


Like, there's no goddamn way.


It's hard trying to potty-train Harley. And he bites me and I've bled. But I love him, and I will NOT ever get rid of him. So I just have to cry instead.

Cry, cry cry cry, cry. Feels like I do that once a day.
Pathetic.


I want to join a gym too.
And learn to play piano.

Sometimes, these things seem like I deserve to be able to do it all, but sometimes, I feel like I couldn't handle trying to do all that anyway, and sometimes, I feel like I'm never going to be able to do all that at one time, ever.

I'm a pessimist. It isn't a secret.
This is just the way I've always been.
My sister would say that it's a second-born's trait, but I don't really know if I think it's so generic. My grandparents think it's a chemical imbalance.

Moments like this was what I thought my medicines were for.
To be my superhero, you know?
I guess that was a stupid assumption.

Seems like my medicine only works when I'm already in a good mood thanks to my own doing.
So what's the point?


Naps don't make me feel better. They just make me feel more sad and groggy and unhappy when I wake up. At the time, hiding beneath my covers, curling up, pretending to be protecting myself, ..sleep seems to be perfect. But when I wake up, I'm fucked x2.




I need drugs. I was trying to not do them, so I could get a good job.
This sucks though.
Totally sucks.
Really suck.
Sucks.
Fuck.

My goals.

I'm not even close to being perfect. I don't even care though. I don't even strive to be perfect anymore. I think what I strive for, is to be me- perfected. Which is different, but similar.

I don't feel as much pressure to be so me- perfected anymore though. Haven't for a while. And haven't for a while, under certain situations and influences. One of which is my family, another of which is my sister specifically, and my grandma specifically, and my boyfriend is another.

All I know right now, is that I want to just smile a little bit more. Release everything a little bit easier. I want to relax.

I am now a Pre-Nursing student, and I am working as much as I can right now, and I hope to get an apartment much sooner than later, and just live and study, and visit Florida sometimes, and enjoy my boyfriend, and enjoy my family.

My goals are now to: graduate from college, let my hair grow, allow Dakota to be there for me, and to be with me, to advance my life and my future's possibilities, go with the flow, and to someday, go to clown school. I want to get married, have children and live somewhere pleasant and pretty, someday, as well. Those are my goals.


Those are my goals.

I just spilled some of my heart out to my boyfriend, and he went idle in response.



Super.

Fuckin' bored as hell.

yo yo yo yo.

I love Colin Firth.


And, I think that maybe my family isn't what feels right to me, is because half my life is spent in the movies, and those families are different than mine. My family doesn't have respect for each other. We're comfortable around each other, to the point where judgement, hatefulness, teasing, and emotion comes way too easily.

It can make things awkward and uncomfortable.



Anyway. I also think that I can't change it. Maybe someday, if I ever go away again as an adult, I'll be able to visit for a short time every once in a while, and not give in to the overbearing "playfulness" of our family. Instead, I'll try to sustain the position of one person being a member of the movie-like family I'd hope mine to be. So. Boom.

Schwhatev.

To Anonymous [and to other likes Anonymous]:

I have no reason to go out of my way to explain this situation to you, but to end your criticism and to soften your harsh views, I'll go out on a limb--


I understand that you're aware of Katherine's side of the story, and my side of the story-- and I'm assuming that you aren't interested in knowing Dakota's side, but ..from the outside, that is understandable.. But, even knowing all three of our sides (as if that were the case), you can't really understand completely, unless you were completely involved. Which, as strange as it is, the three of US are hardly all completely involved in this.



From Katherine's:
I was her friend, I stopped being her friend, she liked Dakota, she dated Dakota, she hated me, she got dumped (sorry for putting it this way), she feels like shit, she hates me and she hates Dakota.

From mine:
She was my friend, he was my best friend, I loved him; I told her, Dakota was a dick and we had a fight, I stopped being her friend, Dakota and I made-up, she dated Dakota, I told Dakota that I loved him and tried to get him to pick me over her, she hated me, I told him he'd never be able to forget about me and I'd wait, he ended up picking me, she got dumped (again, sorry), she feels like shit, I'm living in Florida w Dakota, she hates me and she hates Dakota.

From Dakota's:
He was my best friend, he got fed up w me and told me off, stopped talking to me, started talking to Katherine, started talking to me again, dated Katherine, was given my ultimatum, picked Katherine (because he'd already picked Katherine), she hated me, he was told that he'd never forget me and that I'd wait, he ended up picking me because he couldn't forget me, he broke up with Katherine, told me I could move to Florida, I lived with him in Florida, she hate(s/d) him.



The point is, this was always in the cards.
Katherine knew it, because she was there through most-everything, but on my side of it all.
Everything's in the past now, and I hope she's doing okay with it all at this point.
Dakota and I are dating, and we're happy, and we like each other, and we're on the same page, and this is it, and this is how it's going to be.


I understand you boys saying that you don't want me to be mistreated or have my feelings hurt-- and moreso, I appreciate you looking out for me and my feelings. But, everyone gets in arguments, and everyone says harsh things that they explode with and don't always mean. People say things and agree to others' comments, to keep the peace, sometimes.

I'm not taking up for him when it comes to the times he hurt me. When he said bad things to me, and when they stabbed me deeper than a knife could've. He knows he hurt me. I've told him the side-effects his actions and words have had on me. It's not something that a 'sorry' can fix, and no one has a time-machine we can borrow, but this is life, and life sucks. But, to move on with life, I've recently realized, in a positive, onward-like way, we must forgive and do our best to put it out of our minds. The hurt, the betrayals, the harsh words, the anger, the lack of understanding. We just have to put them behind us..


It's like.. We have baggage (ie: a backpack that we carry with us at all times), and we're on a hike. We're all going somewhere different-- some of us have the same destination in mind, but there are so MANY destinations imaginable. Along the way, we meet a lot of people, so different, from different places, that have been through different things, and learned different lessons, and we can take the time to compare notes and bond, and when we depart, we can either hope that we someday meet again, or just accept that we won't need them anymore because our paths are drastically becoming more and more different.. Bad things happen-- obstacles and rain and running out of food, and things. We have to experience glitches in the plan we've made for ourself, but once we're going through it, and something good happens and changes it, or makes it better, or provides us with the solution to our problem, --that's when we have to decide what to do: are we going to carry those problems and troublesome memories on our shoulders as we continue to go on, or are we going to stick them in our backpack, where we can refer to them when we need to, later on? Either way, we can't stop on our path forever. We have to get up and get started again. Yeah, your path may change because you've encountered other options you didn't realize were possible for you, or we may've met people that we latch on to, and want to keep no matter what, ..but the point is, we have to get up and get started again. And, you have to do something with that problem. Carry it on your shoulders and hold that grudge, and go on but go slower and drag yourself along, or.. put that shit in your backpack! Sometimes, you'll feel so used to the baggage you carry along, that you forget your carrying that heavy bag, and you'll just get absorbed in what's going on present-time. Those are the moments we strive for, and revel in.

You've gotta take care of yourself, make your situation as good as possible. You've gotta keep going, you've gotta get there. I have too much on my shoulders. I had too much on my shoulders. I've put it in my backpack now. I can't keep dragging myself along. It's time to get up from my nap, and put the stress and worry and anxiety and troubles evenly distributed and pep myself up again, and allow myself to remember to forget, and just keep looking onward! You should too.

We can't just keep hating people. We can't just keep low forever. Sometime, we are going to get up and POP up! And realize that if a bird shits on your shoulder, hey- maybe it really IS good luck. And, know that if you keep falling and keep getting scars and bruises, you're just having character added, that's all. You're growing tougher's all. We should realize that our own goals are to be happy ourselves, and do for ourselves, and then take care of others, help when and where we can. But.. even though that's pretty true for most of us, I think we forget to do that for the people immediately surrounding us. Instead, we hate because of one decision or rash statement, and that isn't okay. We can't be vengeful, because that's just ..mean. Why can we try to hurt someone so intensely, when we're scared to death ourselves of being hurt? Why can we try to make others' lives bad, when we try so hard to keep our lives in check, or check plus? It's not okay.


I've let it go. I'm going to keep letting it go. I just want to love, and help, and be nice. I just want to let myself be loved.

I just want for you to be able to love, too.

Love love love love love love, and peace, and harmony. That's what it's all really needing to be about. We have to focus.



Just let it go, man.

All we're doing is trying.
All you're doing is trying.
I know. I really do know, okay? But let's just go. Because, you're getting exhausted, and I'm exhausted already, and we're all just needing to take a little break, take a breath, eat some chocolate, drink some coffee, get up and go on.

That's it.
Come on.

DON'T FORGET, TAB!

I don't want to forget this feeling.

I'm packed up, stuff's all in the car, I made cookies and cleaned his apartment one last time for this go, made his bed, wrote him a note, made him a couple mix cds..

I'm making my trip-home cds from my computer and his computer, haha, and I'm all ready to go!

I'm really excited to see my sister and my grandma and my pop, and Josh and Mom and introduce Harley to Evansville all over again. I'm excited to actually feel confident in my ability to get a job, ahha.

I miss Dakota already. Like, I can feel it inside, growing bigger and bigger. It's like a big air that's filling me up slowly and steadily. Like I'm going to pop real soon.

I'm so happy, and in such a great mood (for 2 days straight!), and obviously things can go better when I'm this way. Positive, you know. And I'm looking forward to the future!

My future in my home! And my future with my family! And my adventures to come! And my future with my friends! And my future with Dakota! And my future with travelling and my schooling! And my future with myself!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D


I'm happy, and I had the best day ever yesterday. :)
And I enjoy this.

And, I'll miss it.

But, I will be back, of course! And, I'll try very hard to bring Harley with me!


I am not going to feel like I'm leaving this behind, because I'm not! It's here, and will always be here. I'm just going towards something! And that isn't bad; that's great! I'm going TOWARDS something! Not running away, not leaving behind anything or anybody!

This isn't settling, really, this is.. fullfillment?

The best last day I could ever hope for.

-I saw two little Asian girls playing around the ocean today. I watched them for probably a half hour. They reminded me of me and my big sister, when we were smaller.

-I saw a man holding a (probably) 7 year old girl with a life-jacket. I'm sure it was his daughter. You can just tell those things. She was holding onto him for dear life, while he kept walking out into and through the waves. He wasn't even to his waist yet, but she was scared to death. I remember feeling that terrified when I was little. I let myself freak myself out. ..It made me think that maybe we need more trust. Then again, when an adult says to you "you trust me, right?" ..that's usually the time a freak accident happens and they drop you, or you both get eaten by a shark. But.. Still, it makes me think that there are always going to be things that seem so huge, and scary, and dramatic and intense, but when you look back on it all later, it's not a big deal.

-One of my top mmoments in life so far: Standing in the ocean, water thigh-high, fingers grazing the top of the water, and looking up to watch an airplane close to me. The size about the tip of my thumb. Airplane and ocean. Airplane while in the ocean. It was perfect.

-I have decided. I want to be buried fairly deep underneath the sand, in a glass coffin, whilest wearing a really pretty dress. But I want the glass to disengrate after a while, so that when it does, fish start eating my legs, and so many will swarm over to do so, that when my body floats up, or is come across, my legs are covered in what looks like scales--but are actually little fish overlapping each other, all trying to get a piece of me. Mermaid status. I have spoken.

-My favorite things: ocean foam, laying in the shallow part of the water, letting my hair sink through the sand.

-I found a tiny mermaid's tail. I showed Dakota. I couldn't believe how I didn't realize that mermaids were TINY things. I figured, for whatever reason, that they were my size at least. I saw the tail though, so I was wrong. This is me publicly announcing it.

Regret.

I regret having gotten lazy:

When it comes to school, and my future... Like, having stopped being on the ball when it comes to homework. I regret not having been more motivated, and serious, about my senior year of high school, and my college preparation (and having let my disappointments in friendships and reputation get me down). I regret having let other things get in the way of my education, and my plans for the future. Like, allowing mean and hateful comments and actions infect my passion.

When it comes to my family… Like, having stopped being an active member in my own family. I regret not helping making dinner, and not helping plan birthday parties and Christmas plans. I regret not taking better advantage of my living situations when I lived with both my mom, and then with my grandparents. I feel like I could have been there more, for everyone.

I could’ve listened to my mom when she talks about work and her boyfriends, and what drama she has to deal with, and how she responds so silly (in my opinion). I could have given her better advice, I know I could have. I’m good at giving advice. I’m good at avoiding drama (outside myself), and I could have helped her maybe, by at least giving her opinions at doing that, instead of just assuming that she likes it, and is kind of fueling herself off it.

I could’ve helped my brother with his homework, and taught him things that he didn’t know or understand. I could have talked with him about what he was being talked to about. Helped him with his handling of information that he may or may not have wanted to know—situations he may or may not have wanted to be any part of. I could have let him talk more to me, just to talk to someone. I could have spent more time with him, because I know what it feels like to be alone.

I could’ve allowed my sister to help me. I could have given her the opportunity to do something for me… It has been unfair of me to just hold her responsible for some things that are averagely considered to be the first of many mistakes. I’m not sure how long it would’ve taken me to drink alcohol or smoke pot, if I hadn’t done both when I was fourteen, but I’m not doubting that it would’ve happened anyway. Just because she didn’t stop me from doing it, doesn’t mean that she made me do anything. I may have let her be my role model, but why does anyone get to blame anyone else for living their life, despite pressure? Because that’s what it all has always been. Everyone putting pressure on each other to do the right thing, be the best anyone could ever imagine being, being successful, good, and impressive. She was a teenager herself, and drinking is an experience that the majority of us experience before due time, and her having a sister doesn’t cancel out her chance at experience. If anything, she was smart to go out there and do things, and not let outside influence affect her chance at living life.


TO BE CONTINUED...

BOOM.

I’m worried about me.

I need a job. I’m one hundred dollars short from what I need to have by the tenth of June. I’m not going to have it. Beyond that, I have bills to be paid by the end of the month as well. I really am trying to do everything within my power to make it back to Evansville for July 4th, to be present at the birth of my nephew. I’ve planned on that since the beginning, and it would crush me to have to give that up. I mean, CRUSH. I’d probably cry all damn day, at least.

I’m thankful that I have the rest of the money that I owe on the first of the month (being more than one hundred), and that I’ve been able to be okay this long. And that I have a little bit of gas in my car, and some food to eat. I’m lucky to have the smartest, sweetest, most honest and genuine brother I could ever imagine, and a sister that loves/hates me and that when she loves me, she really loves me, and when she hates me, she says things and then leaves me alone for awhile. I’m glad to have her back, and to have her advise me. Because, as it turns out, she’s got some good things to say to me, and some things to help me with, that I didn’t realize I need help with. Maybe I will just listen, and allow her to help me, allow her the chance to actually steer me in a good direction, a different direction than I would steer myself only to crash and burn as usual. Maybe I’ll end up in a sucky spot, but that wouldn’t be any worse than what I do on my own, so why not give her the opportunity to possibly help me? So I am.

I’m happy where I am. I’m happy dating Dakota, and with being myself and being how I am alone—with him. It’s fun. To be with someone and to be normal at the same time. And, I’m feeling lighter, knowing that I have my brother and my sister in my life. It took my distance to get this, but I’ve needed the both of them for a while now, and I’m feeling more positive just knowing I am allowed to love them both an extreme amount, and to feel an equal amount of love from them separately, as well. Dakota dedicated Cher’s If I Could Turn Back Time to me, lol. I think that’s cute. And appropriate. All I have to do, is remember to stay calm and carry on. To take life one day at a time, and keep upbeat and happy. I need to look at today, and reflect on the good times and positive events, and keep a feeling of everything ending up okay is inevitable.

I'm. Going to.

Q: What do you want?


A: I want to feel this calm for the rest of my life.
I want a job that I can depend on, and excel at, whilest making decent cash that can pay all of my bills, and allow me to have fun every once in a while, and visit the fam maybe twice or three times a year, for a few days.
I want to learn to play the piano, and take belly-dancing classes.
I want to finish and graduate from travel agent school, and get a good job in the travel industry (either as a flight attendant, or as a travel agent on the go, or office work with some travelling opportunities). And to feel like I accomplished something.
I want to feel secure in myself, and in my life, and my situations.
I want to be kind, and helpful, and impressive, and sweet, and smart, and pretty.
I want to just be. And to be happy with Dakota. (By that, I mean ..being able to control myself enough to relax and trust and believe. And, to be able to help him, and be here for him, and make him feel secure and happy.)
I want to breathe, and smile, and have a good time, and be productive, and feel light.


I'm going to!

Really?

Don't talk about me.


And, the worst thing I've ever heard was someone telling me that they wish I'd die.

And, I've heard it twice now, from two of the most important people in my life.



Thanks.

And, in case it isn't clear, I wish I'd die too. Most of the time.



So, cool.

I second your notion.



But, I'm not going to die yet.

SO. Fuck you.



And, if I hear that one more goddamn time, I'm going to do something drastic.

And, I'm not the self-harm kind of girl.

So watch your fucking backs. :)

I know what I have to do today.

-x---

I call this: Poetry

Tv, Tv, Tv, Tv,
What else could I ever see
Beyond your neverending blahs
And my hollow, bullshit has?



Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey there.
Hi.



Hi Hi HI Hi Hi Hi Hi Hi HI.

Vassup?

Kind of made me want to throw up.

I almost missed a bill. It would've been a 30 dollar charge if I wouldn't have gotten it paid today.

Thank god I realized I forgot that specific bill TODAY, and that the bank would put it through TODAY. Sheeshwiz.



And, my faggot bank charged me twice for my car payment in April, so I'm going to go take my receipt for when I physically paid for it, and the bill where it shows they took it from me.



I just want some goddamn spaghetti. I know that I'm a guest staying wherever I'm staying, and that I shouldn't eat anyone's food. But, I'm doing damn-well at NOT eating people's food. But I really want some fucking spaghetti.



Um.

I'm hungry.




And, I'm going to go pay some bills.
Instead.

So, adios.

Update.

Hi thar.

I've been sick for an entire week.
I had a sinus headache, that causes my sore, rough throat. Then my nose got stuffed up hardcore, and my ears are acting like they have cotton in there-- and my eyes suck.

A week.



I was just invited to my sister's babyshower.


I have two clear opportunities.
I have no idea what to do. But, it's okay. Because, they (things) tend to go how they go. There is no fate. There is no plan. This comforts me.





I fall in love with every place that I go. I have a boyfriend everywhere I've been.



What will make me happy right now?
What will keep me happy today, tomorrow? That's all, because that's all I can account for.

I can't think about the future anymore, because I need to be happy right now. I can't be this way anymore. I can't be so sad, so lost, so confused and by myself. I can't feel like there are no options. I have to stop it. I have to be and stay happy. Now. Starting yesterday.

So, what's it gonna take, Tab?

What is it going to take?.

Oh, highlights of these times, how I wish thou were't constant.

"Those are your dishes. Dancing in the cupboards. That happens, you just usually don't hear it." -me

My bad. For real.

I'm a tease, it's true.

But it isn't because I do it on purpose! I don't even realize I'm a tease, until after I've already done it.



:/

I just get attracted to the ideas of things, and play along as long as I can.

I'm not good at follow-through.



So, it's only somewhat my fault.
But, at least, I can now see that I am a tease.

Today.

I'm forcing myself to be awoken on the right side of the bed. It feels like there's only been one side to my bed, for a while, but I decided last night to make today a winner.

"Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me."



I put make-up on today. And I did my hair.
And I put clothes on. Actual clothes.
And, I'm listening to iTunes. I haven't listened to my music since I left.

I'm drinking water.

I'm going to do the dishes, and straighten this house.

Repack my things.


I'm going to brush up on my Beethoven, and get my work clothes out of the car, and decide what to wear this weekend.

I'm also going to be hanging out w an older friend today, and she might be making me feel better, too. I'm sure we'll watch a movie, but I think she's going to play with my hair. :)


I'm debating on whether I'll have time enough to go get my massage. I could use it. But, I dunno. Priorities anyway, you know?



I need to go get my passport. Seriously. Not for any specific reason, but just to have it. For whenever.


I think I'll polish my nails today.

Text-- Okay, hair's not being messed with today. That's okay. It's probably for the best anyway. :/



I feel like I'm sick and I'm forcing myself to be up and moving about. Like, it's not time, but I'm making myself do it anyway.

It'll be okay.

I can do it.

I can do it.

ow OW

I was asked on a date.

And, I actually have a date with another person.


I'm pretty excited about date 2. I'd be cool with date 1, too, I bet.




I wonder how these will go.

Date 2 is a real date. Like, real real. I'm nervous, and excited to death.

I hope it goes well.

Break me off a piece of that Kit! Kat! Bar!

Tonight was awesome.

I love being stoned.

And I love the great people that get me stoned.

Because they're really nice, and funny, and fun. And they like me, and like for me to have fun, too.

This is true for everyone I smoke with.



And I'm excited for Saturday night.

And my shoulder doesn't really hurt today.



I'm up at 3am. :D
I'm living some life.


I'm going to wash my hair for a little restoration, hopes.

I'm tired as fuck, now.




I had so much fun though. A great time, a great time.

And Saturday's going to be a lovely time. I'm nervous, but I'm thrilled, and excited, too.



Um.

I don't want to think about anything else tonight, besides my great evening, and great evening to come.

That's it, and that's all, and that's good for the rest of this day.

1) Dear "big sister," stop reading my blog.

2) I guess I'm not important enough of a person to actually go the next step, to prevent me from doing anything stupid.


Even having heard me, heard my harm, I'm okay enough to scoot out the door "until next time."





Okay.

I won't see you next time.

It makes the most sense, after all.

It all starts with one.

One time, you treat someone different. Say, badly, or worse. One time.

The person you're treating such ways, responds. Cause and effect.

Then. The person is left on their toes. Waiting for it to happen again.

It's assumed, I assume, that no one really learns their lesson, and will offend repeatedly after just once.

The way this person responds/reacts, has the potential to build and build.

It starts with one. One time, one person, one situation, one remark.


This is usually how bitches and assholes are made.

You were mean to me one time.

You treated me like shit one time.

You forgot about me one time.

So, I took that time, and kept it in mind.

To prepare myself for later, you know.


You've been mean more times.

You've treated me like shit more times.

You've forgotten about me more times.


Now you don't like me because I'm a bitch.

Because I don't support you.

Because I am always condesendingly responding to you.

Well.


It all began with one.

You can't take responsibility for very much, but you are nailed to the first time.

Just one.


I don't have the energy to change who've you've forced me to adapt into being.

I don't have the patience or feelings to be hammered into the ground by you.

I don't really have time to be hammered into the ground by anyone.

I'm losing time.

So, fuck you.

And you, and you and you.

Because I wasn't supposed to be a bitchy, little sassy thing.

I was a lady. A sweet, kind, good girl.



Ya'll fucked me up. So this is what you get from me.

The finger.

xoxo.

Sequel.

I just got real depressed real fast.

I fall in love w my ideas of situations, too easily.



I get crushed too easily, too, sometimes.



I wonder, sometimes, if I should just try everything out-- everything that I ever aspired to do-- before giving up.

Or if I should give up, because I know that I'm 100% insatiable, and nothing that I choose to do will keep me stable and settled for long.



It's me.
I'm a chameleon.
I'm only passionate when I'm in control.
I'm never in control of myself.
I lost control over myself.
I can't control myself.


I can't find someone to be in control of me, for me.

I hate everything.

I hate my hair.

My hair color.

My length of hair.

My hair's texture.

I hate my eyes.

The size.

The color.

I hate my ideas.

I hate my theories.

I hate my estimations.

I hate my approximations and abbreviations.

I hate my goals.

I hate my life.

My past.

I hate my future.

My present doesn't really work.

I hate my everything.

I hate how my plans are busts.

I hate how I keep making plans.

I hate how animals shock the shit out of me, after not having seen one, or been in contact with one in a while.

I hate how people overwhelm me.

I hate being tired.

I hate being homeless.

I hate being jobless.

I hate being purposeless.

I hate not having anything as back-up.

I hate the truth about God.

I hate everything.

I hate how it's always too hot or too cold.

I hate how I get headaches.

I hate how I forget to eat sometimes, and I get sick.

I hate that I exist.

I hate that I have nowhere to go after this.

I hate that I really didn't have a reason for being here this long.

I hate that I don't know what to do.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I hate my life.

I hate my decisions.

I hate my existance.

My pointlessness.

You can make the words up.

I only have dreams of you now.



_x____

I need some recoop time.

I'm probably not gonna get any for another month.


But, I need a place to go and be taken care of, and babied, --some place to surrender my freewill, and allow myself to be offered to the hands of someone trusted.


No dice.

I'ma be.

I honestly believe that I've loosened my grip on bitterness. Right now, in this mood, I feel like being bitter is the solumn feeling of adulthood. Being bitter prevents everything from being a joke. Seriousness is grown.

----


I thought I was loyal. Now, I'm seeing obligation as something that I oblige to. Is loyalty the same as obligation? I see no arguements against that reasoning.


----


I never cried so much, in the morning-time, as I did on this Easter Sunday, at church. It wasn't because I was unbelievably grateful, it wasn't because I was moved. It was probably a combination of the hate I felt, along with the tension pressed upon me by the ones that usually matter most, along with the lack of acknowledgement I had recieved, along with the desperation of my near adventure, along with the pressure I feel from what feels like four walls, a ceiling, and floor closing in on me- which is really just people trying to see me or cancelling on me or the feelings these people have, towards me or with me, that I can't stop or control, or even help a little.

Happy easter, bastards.

Fucking crying already, and it's not even ten o'fuckin'clock.

Hoppy Easter, peeps.

I'm going to church, on Easter, to thank a dude for dying for me, who I don't even really know existed or not.

I was wearing a pink dress, and then was decided on looking like a "hot date" or a "church fluzy." So I changed.


It's cool, though.

I'll be standing in attendance, for everyone who has to work today, and wanted to go to church today. That's me. The extra. ;P




I'm hungry. Happy Easter.
No Easter basket, either. :( Lol