Transfer'd. ESSAY

10:21pm 10/10/04 English Essay

mood: artistic
music: AFI
Tabytha Kalene Miller
Mrs. Skinner
English 9H-5
9 September 2004

Tabytha Kalene Miller Inside-Out

I am destroyed by the inside. I disassociate. I hope to destroy the outside. It will alleviate me and elevate me. Like water flowing into lungs, I'm flowing through these days. As morphine cuts through deadened veins, I'm numbing in these days. I know what died that night. It can never be brought back to life. Once again, I know, I know.
-AFI, Sing the Sorrow


Those song lyrics, sung by AFI, explains what I feel presently which is my third stage. My three lifetime events that have affected my life the most include; my prissy little girl stage, my rebellious stage, and my present stage.

In my first stage, I started out as a little girl who was absolutely perfect. I was a sweet, mannerly young lady. I loved pink and I loved shopping. My role models were my grandmother and sister. I looked up to my sister. She would always bail me out of trouble and be on my side no matter what-or so I thought. I was a naive child. I thought I really knew a lot. Everyone liked me and I was always influenced by my two role models and did everything I thought I was supposed to.

In my second stage, I realized that I knew absolutely nothing at all. I needed to learn everything from my own experiences instead of trusting others' judgments. I started out trying to prove myself worthy of being a special individual, unique in everyway. No one thought I was being true to myself and they hated what I was becoming. My family disapproved' my sister, LaDawn, pushed me into the 'Gothic' phase, which I enjoyed quite a bit. She approved of me for awhile until she abruptly changed her mind and decided that she did not agree that I was being myself, as well as the rest of the family. That is another time in which I realized that I was a naïve girl who knew nothing about the real facts of life. I figured out that nobody is one my side and is I was going to be myself no matter what it took then I would have to do it alone. I had very few friends and people considered me to be a 'poser'. I started hating everyone and everything. The only thing I had was music. I absolutely fell in love with the music that was introduced to me by LaDawn and her friends. That is one thing I will always be grateful for, the introduction of my life as it is presently.

I am currently into stage three of the most important events that have occurred throughout my life which really has no title. I am now at the point where I am trying to push back my depression and anger with happiness and the wonders of life. I constantly find myself trying searching for love and so far have been unsuccessful in doing so. I have found the majority of who I am and who I wish to be, and I am very proud of that. It took me a long time, but I know that most people will never even realize that they are not who they think they are. There is deepness in your inner being and it takes some time to find it. I found my strength which happens to be writing poetry and stories which I am starting to write a book called Suicide Letter. It is about my life story and how I have come to be who I am today. I am still very much in love with music, especially the depressing love songs by emo bands. I am currently trying to find myself in opinions of God; I am attending a Penecostal and Lutheran church. I am in favor of the Lutheran church so far. English is my favorite subject in school and I have not made up my mind about what I will become as an adult, but maybe an English teacher.



So I feel like I have had a delusion for a life and I am now beginning what I hope brings me happiness and a world worth living in. I remain wanting to change the way the world perceives people and children such as myself. The world will one day know who I am and what I am. I have a purpose and I appreciate every time someone takes the time to pay attention to me. I am getting one step closer each and every day to changing the world, be it through music or through my books or even my poetry. It will be done one day.