Better?

So.

I broke up with Dakota.


He said his goodbyes to me, over and over.
I tried to explain everything thoroughly. Multiple times.

I tried to get him to be friends with me.
He won't.

I get that, in a way, but in another way, I think that's really ..ridiculous.

Um.

This is a break-up for me, too. I think that is really overlooked.
This isn't just poor him. This isn't exactly poor me, but it is hard for me.

Like.. It's weird. A lot weirder than I would've expected it to be.

I'm not sure if it's because I really thought I had it, and now, suddenly, I don't? Or because I had him back and I let myself believe that, and again, suddenly I don't? Or maybe because I just lost my best friend, as well as my boyfriend? Or, because I actually put everything I had into this, and it didn't work out. And I had to end it.

I have no reason to explain what I felt or how I feel now, or what's going on with this situation, really, but goddamn it, this is MY blog, and I have the right to say what's going on in my head. So, Katherine Ethridge, fuck off. Dakota Madden, mind your own fucking business. Just because you guys are mentioned doesn't mean you need to involve yourself in my shit. 'k? So, fuck off.

(They probably aren't reading this. I just felt stressed for a moment, thinking of that possibility.) (I'd read her blog when she was shit-talking Dakota, and then me. And I've read his recently, too. So I know it's a fair chance that they're still doing it to me.) (Aren't triangles fun?) (<= ha)

Anyway.





I don't understand why people can't separate, and be cordial. Instead of putting each other down, or one putting the other down. It's as if there's no way to be accepting of facts, because everything is too emotionally-involved.

People lose their brains, because pride is always at risk.

I'm not trying to hurt anyone's pride. He's taking it that way, obviously.



This was different than anything that has happened.

The rumor is that it either could've been seen from miles and miles away, or we were so in sync that it's just a huge shock.

This wasn't as it had been.
And people who keep saying that obviously have no idea what they're talking about. Although, that's very common when it comes to situations that they aren't involved in. I can say that because only Dakota and myself would be able to understand this, and he's refusing to try to understand. So, who's mature here?

I did not fuck him over.

I love him just as much as he says he loves me.

I just know what I know.


I didn't do anything to anyone. I told him the truth. Of how I felt, and what I knew, and what I saw and what I realized. And, I'm supposed to feel punished for having done that. If that's the way of it, some relationship, huh. Come on, people. Get off me, seriously.


I can't read minds. I think it's nice, the nice things he's said about me since this ordeal, but ...all I can say is that it would've been nice to hear those things before we broke up. Instead of me just supposing to assume any of that, let alone all of it.


I wake up in the morning, feeling like P. Diddy.
Wait. Let me rephrase that..
I wake up in the morning, and I want to text Dakota.

I want to talk to him, and tell him stuff, and be retarded, and shit.
But I don't get to anymore.

And is that my fault? No. Yes, and no.
Do I blame myself? No. Do I blame anyone? No. I don't.


But when something happens that seems out of the ordinary, weird, hilarious, or really stupid, I want to tell him about it.

And I can't.

When I need someone to talk to, I don't have him.

I don't get to have him anymore.


And he's going to play like I don't exist anymore.

But I do exist.
I'm here, alive and living.

I'm still going to be here. So.

Ha.



I think about it a lot.

I always thought of him a lot. He was always on my mind.

And I just felt like I was bothering him or irritating his day by interrupting.

I didn't feel like I was as present to him as he was to me.


It doesn't matter now.


I miss him. I really do miss him. And it's as if I'm not allowed. But, fuck that. And fuck people. I'm tired of their judgmental bullshit, and dramatic games. You don't know shit. You don't know him, you don't know me, you don't know us, you don't know what happened, you don't know both sides of the story, you don't know what's going on now, you don't know what I think, or how I feel, or what I want.


And even though I miss him and love him, he's handling this really unkindly. He could be worse, no kidding, I know that very well. Been there, had that. But, there are some low-blows he's trying to pull off.

I'm not attacking anyone.

I just don't like how it's being blown.



As much as you're wanting to think this is you being the victim and me being the super-villian here, I'm not and you're only half.

I didn't do this TO you/ TO Dakota. I did this for us, for me.
I did what I knew I had to do.

I gave him my heart, too.

He just didn't take advantage of it.

Seems like he lost sight of me. Who I am. Who I've always been. Seeing as I've always been a runner, always been hard to love, always been scared of big stuff, always been trying to find the best thing for me.

Sorry you couldn't foresee things. I did. And I tried to help myself by fixing things as we went. As I went. And, I tried to talk things through. I tried to focus on the great stuff. I bragged about having him, to everyone. People knew about him, he wasn't my secret. He had no reason to be jealous of other guys, ever. People knew to not mess with me. I blocked my own self-shot shots. God. I went through some obstacles and I overcame some blockades of my own. Sometimes I didn't need him, because I did it all by myself. Sometimes, I did need his help and I got it without even telling him wtf was really happening. And, sometimes, things slip through the cracks. Parts of me are unstoppable.

I tried so hard.

No one will ever know.

I gave all of me to him, and to our relationship.

It wasn't enough. I can't fight a battle when I'm the only one physically fighting.
I'm sorry he fought in his heart and his head, and not outloud or physically.


I didn't pull the same shit as I had before.
If that's what he believes, then he's a fucking idiot, and a dick, and is clueless. Completely clueless. And rude and inconsiderate, and a jerk. And I don't even have any other words to describe what I really think if that's honestly what he believes.

He couldn't believe that.

If he does, then he's living in the past. He's not able to move forward. Just because the end result is somewhat similar, that does NOT mean that the path was the same, or that the variables of effort and care and self-control were the same.


I'm getting upset talking about this.

I get upset thinking about it throughout the day.

Stop trying to hurt me.