O-k Update.

Alright, so.

I just watched Pan's Labryinth, and I cried at the end. Not sob-like or anything crazy like that, just a small cry.


Mark just told me that he was in the hospital the other day, and he might have cancer.


My sister isn't talking to me, the whole now/never again way.





But!

Goods news:

1. I have decorated and cleaned my house. And it looks awesome. Very cozy and sweet, and cute. I like it a lot. It feels more like me.

2. I've made a new friend, and have decided to reconnect w old friends. Like, my old good/great friends at the time. I mean, don't get me wrong: I realize that life goes on, change takes place, we all split into separate directions, but uhh. . .hey. Why not try? We can be friends again! We can rekindle our flames of friendship! We can bond like we did. We are all still connected to our roots, and somewhere along there, we connected the first time. I want to try. I have a broader view of humanity now. I'm more tolerant, and less judging. More appreciative.

3. I'm not really sure what made me think of this, or influence it or whatever, but uh, I need to start improving mysef again. I slipped somewhere along the way, and didn't even notice that that was what was happening. Stopped doing my make-up. Stopped making my hair look good. Just getting more and more depressed about that stuff, too. I need to stop! I need to do my make-up because I knew I had better days when I felt like I looked better.

4. Looking frumpy isn't helping me feel good at all. And I'm not sure why I started this phase of trying to show myself that I can pull the lazy-comfy look off, but uh, that was a completely unnecessary idea. I should not do that, because I look better when I try to dress cool. And when I dress for work, as opposed to my slacker days off style. And I look chunky or weird when I dress so down. And that makes me sad and wanna puke at the same time.

5. Okay, okay. So. I'm obsessive on the inside, sometimes. I definately feel insecure a lot of the time. Big news right? Um. Yeah, well, I need to stop it. Because I appreciate people for them, and I strongly believe that there is no reason to make anyone feel bad for how they look, because how they are is how they are, and there is nothing wrong w that. People should be how they are, and not worry about changing things like that. I seriously do believe this. And you know what? People are happy sometimes. And I want to be one of those people. I want to be happy, and not be like "omgsh, I hope I look okay like this" or "man, I bet I look completely shitty right now. this sucks" I don't want that stuff anymore! No one really cares what I look like. And if they do, they can go play in traffic, because I don't need to be so down about myself. I am what I am, I look how I look, and since my waist is the only fluxuation I can control, that's what I'll control. I won't worry about my other things that I have issues with, because so the fuck what? I enjoy food. I enjoy the things that I eat. It adds to my happy times in life. Why should I try to disguise it? I'm proud of my happinesses, and I shouldn't feel like I need to rid myself of the proof from those times. I'm gonig to get happier. I'm gonig to stop worrying about this. These things. These stupid, pointless, drag of thoughts. I don't want them anymore and I won't have them.


I'm going to do my make-up, and start wearing green, and do my hair, and have fun, and be friends w everyone, and smile a lot, and sing and dance in my house, and love everything again, and pray more, and make myself happy, and take it one step at a time, one day at a time, one issue at a time, one minute at a time. I'm too good at being me, to just let me slip away. I liked myself too much to let myself go. I gave a good fight, but it's time for my adrenaline to step in. Let's fucking DO this.