The fact of the matter is:

I was too young to go to beauty school, to try to start a career that I'd be involved in for the rest of my life. I was too young to have a chance in the pond of big, pretty fish. I was too awkward, too nervous, too easily influenced. I hardly had a chance.


I went to college to make up for my unsuccess story of beauty school. I tried to take back normalcy. I didn't really want to go to college to learn, to develop into something I enjoyed, in professional form. I didn't really know where to place my direction.


Mark Honiker was good at being a fuck-up. He was a cool guy who played off that reputation, and lost the will to use his brain. I saw potential, I was seeing through rose-colored glasses, with a hazy mind. Mark's influence was not good on me, and it's best that he went away from my world. Whether I thought so or not.


My sister is the way she is. She was raised well, and she has infinite knowledge and education (some school-taught, some not). She is very emotional. I can't be the one to say why that is, but I can be the one to point it out. Sometimes she says things that she doesn't really mean. She does things that can be ..less than desirable. She knows how to be an angel and a devil. But not at the same time. That doesn't make her bad. That makes her ...her, I guess. We, somewhere along the way, were adapted into craving attention. She needs attention whether she knows it or not, and it sucks. Because I am like that too. So, if she's super-sweet and nice to you, great! Be really super-sweet and nice back to her, because she can be the best friend you'd ever had. But when something happens that tips her scale, ehh, watch your ass. She'll need help or at least someone to hear her worry out loud. If you're not listening, if you're not really paying genuine attention to her, if you're not caring about what is going on with her, she's going to blow up. And she's going to say things, mean, hateful, terrible things to make you listen. And you will listen. You'll feel hurt or angry, and you'll really listen then, and you'll reply to her, and give her your attention. She's gonna get you, get you get you get you. Because somewhere along the line, we were trained to.


My mom isn't going to change. She's a person. She even sees herself more as a person than a mom. I think she's excited to be a grandma because she thinks it's a new tackle, and she's going to have a chance to put her entire self into it this time. If she starts out strong, and sticks with it, she'll have accomplished one of her life roles. It's not her fault. She has her own life, and good for her! But we're at the age to where we can see this, and we can see her from far away, and see what we always really wished would change into a more motherly state of being. I think we were blessed with Gram to even out the loss we had with Mom. (Not that she's a loss, it's just that she.. well, you understand what I'm saying.) The only quotes I'm ever going to remember from my mom are: "Women are like roses. When you cuss, you become a rose trampled and dirty in the street." or something like that, and "You're an adult now, Tabby. I feel like it's okay for me to tell you: Life is this. It's what you're living right now! When you get older, when you get my age, life is the same! We all feel the same shit! Nothing really gets better, it just gets different. We all worry about things, we are all trying to figure shit out in our heads. Some of us seem to be able to put a better, more comforting front on, but really, we're all going nuts in our heads! Going in circles, trying to see what the hell is going on and what to do now!"


I was a good girl, a deep and wise girl, a deserving girl; I had potential to be a great best friend, a great girlfriend, a great person, a legendary person. At a point very long ago. I've lost it, probably through different situations of my misunderstanding and claiming "unjust" and "having been overlooked and mistreated," drugs, bad influences, betrayal of myself, all kind of things. I've lost it. I can officially say that I have, because it's abundantly clear at this point. I'm actually kind of glad to know it now. I'm good, I can be deep, I have potential. I'm not a good friend and I don't know how to be a girlfriend. But I know how to make things special, how to try cheering people up, what to say to make a person feel good, how to be there when a friend needs someone. I know how to step in at the right times, sometimes. I thought that was enough. But it's not enough.


I have not failed. I've just attempted silly things with hopes of flying high. I've planned ridiculous things that I'd really have to stretch for, and I don't have the energy to stretch myself even halfway. I'm alive still, I can eat every day, I have a home for myself, I can pay my bills, I have work, I have a few good friends that haven't left me yet, and I've got my potential. I just need to relax and see where I can go, what life will do with me, what I can use that potential on.


I'm not perfect. I don't come off as perfect. I can't try to be perfect, because it wears me out. I just need to relax. How I am is how I am, who I am is me. Whoever ends up being cool with that, is the people that deserve to stay around. (I'm not saying that people have left me, because most usually the case is that I push people out, quite forcefully. I'm just meaning for the present and future.) I appreciate everyone I've had in my life. I'm sorry for hating you, and holding a grudge against you for something small, stupid, or for my sister (what I thought I was doing right). I don't hate you, I don't really know you, it's not that I don't want to ever know you either, and I've released all of those feelings (in late 2009, to be honest). I'm sorry for not paying enough attention to you. I'm sorry for not being a very good friend. It was hard to try to be great for you and try to be a good friend at the same time. I really am sorry. I'm sorry for the rollercoasters.


I'm going to try harder. But in reverse.