Ways I punish myself.

- I hold my breath until I nearly pass out. Just thinking to myself that someone's gonna be pissed at someone else for me dying.

- I avoid checking my emails. Because I'm wishing someone would email me, just so it seems like I am not interested in replying to them.

- I don't eat when I'm hungry. Because I feel like they only feel punished by seeing me be smaller than them.

- I smile and act real interested and intriguied by the simple, obvious things assholes (like my boss) say to me when they're trying to patronize me. It confuses them, and it makes me feel like a moron, but I know I'm a heroic asshole on the inside.

- I think of things that will make me naseaus, just to see if I still have that power over myself.

- I keep all 767 friends I have on facebook, even though I don't have one friend in real life.

- I take extra shifts, and gather as many hours as I can. To be able to complain about something legitimate. And to justify my means of trying to make up for all the bad decisions I've made in my life so far.

- I make embarrassing things my status. In hopes that I'll humiliate myself in a public situation, enough to stop doing that or thinking that or being that way.

- I relate strange, extraordinary things to average, normal things. To feel unique. Or to make sure I don't make friends.

- When I'm close to being completely out of gas, when I'm almost out of food, when I'm almost ready to naturally crash, when I only have $1.25 in my bank account.. I drive the long, scenic route. I eat more than I can handle eating. I drink a shot of espresso and pop in a movie. I go buy a candy bar.

- When I know that someone's forcing themself to lie to me for some reason, I listen and soak in their false flattery anyway. Even when I know it's bullshit. Even when I know I have no right to take it. I take it anyway.

- I go tanning with a friendly nod in the direction of future skin cancer and death.

- When I'm down, and alone, I eat and watch sad movies. Movies that will make me feel worse. Food that I don't need. And I eat until I almost throw up. Eat a little more, then stop and cry and watch and then give up on myself and go to sleep.

- I fantasize about standing up right now, taking my laptop and throwing it through the glass in my screen door, trashing my apartment, breaking my guitar, filling one single box with beloved things, and walking out the door, and driving until I run out of gas. Then see what happens.

- I wonder to myself what would be my chances at happiness if I sell myself as a mail-order bride.

- I sit on the floor of my shower, and let the hottest water force my hair all around my face, and wait for it to get cold. Allowing only thoughts of hot water roll around my mind.

- I sit in the rain, debating whether I should allow it to rain for the rest of forever, or just give up on the reality of it.

- I don't buy food when I have to choose between gas or food. Because I'd rather feel safe with the idea of a quick getaway rather than eat bullshit.

- I stop blogging because I don't want people to read what I think because they'll etiher make me feel awkward or weird, or they'll steal my brain. Also, because sometimes I say weird shit and spill my guts about things that matter to me, and will hardly ever matter to anyone else. And when no one comments, that leaves me feeling THAT much more shitty about myself.

xx.xx